LizstarTrek - Enterprise Season 3 episodes 1-7
Every Sunday my Twitch subs and I watch Star Trek in my Discord. Here are my reviews and thoughts on each of the episodes as I see it. If you’re curious about a nerd’s views on Star Trek episodes, please read on, I go quite in depth with some of these episodes! I’ve watched some Star Trek before but not all of it!
IT’S BEEN A LOOOOONG ROOOOOAAAD
Twilight - ENT 8/10
Christ, look at that. It looks like a Myst village.
Archer wakes up to shit exploding, is confused when told the captain ordered him to stay in his room, and goes to the bridge to find T’Pol in charge, as they all watch the Earth explode. I… I think this is the first time Earth has exploded in Star Trek? They don’t usually do that.
Archer wakes up to find himself Old. He kinda looks like Serak.
We find out that Archer was hit by an anomaly, after saving T’Pol from it, that put parasites in his brainmeats. These parasites make it so he can’t form new memories. What we then see is a flashback of them trying to handle having a captain who is now mentally impaired. It’s kind of sad, and not poorly done, tbh. Things go worse and worse for the mission, until they’re damaged, and can’t really assist as the Xindi blow up Earth. There are now like 6000 Humans left. Oh, also Mayweather is killed.
At least T’Pol was promoted, given a commission, and a suit. She looks great in it.
Now, a decade later, there’s a procedure that Phlox has developed that SHOULD fix the brain parasites. Oh fuck, this also means Porthos is dead. Jesus christ. This is the worst timeline.
Man, all this just to fix Archer. Archer is our golden boy. He’s our very important super boy. Phlox also thinks that T’Pol is in love with Archer. T’Pol of course denies it. Wow, I thought they completely killed this ship so that Trip could romance T’Pol.
Angry yelly Trip with lighter hair looks more like Kirk.
Anyways, turns out the parasites, which are in another dimension, if they’re killed, will cease to exist in the past as well. So Phlox and T’Pol think this might save Earth. Trip, however, needs those weapons to protect them from the Xindi who are showing up. Archer goes running off to help, like he can do anything, while T’Pol chases after him. But they’re too late, the Bridge is exploded, and everyone dies. Archer commands everyone else to leave, while he sets up a subspace implosion to blow up the rest of the parasites. T’Pol is like “with all due respect, you were relieved of command”, and they stay behind. Archer keeps getting shot, but eventually it works, and we get to watch the Enterprise blow up, and then ARcher wakes up back in the past.
Over all, actually a good episode. Very Trekky concept, well handled.
North Star - ENT 9/10
This episode starts with the first lynching I’ve ever seen in a Trek episode. It’s not quite Earth blowing up, is it? It’s some kind of western town, and a human woman is pissed off about the lynching. The sherriff says he wish he could have given him a fair trial instead, and the woman is like “Yeah, and then those same people would be on the jury”. The sherriff is like “Well, he killed a man in defense. That’s a death sentence for Skags.” I wonder if this is inspired by anything at all.
Trip, T’Pol, and Archer are investigating the town, wondering why Humans are on a planet in the middle of the expanse. Trip trades a gun and a harmonica for a horse for a few hours. Where the fuck did they get a gun??
We get a scene with the deputy mistreating a “skag”, some lower class citizen working at the bar, while Archer sits and listens. He interrupts the bullying, and is told, very subtly, to get the fuck out of town.
Archer meets the teacher, the only person who was agaisnt the lynching, to learn more about these Skagarans (skag is a slur). They’re taken to a broken ship, where Trip and T’Pol are getting data chips from it. ARcher stay behind to learn more from the teacher while they leave, and he learns that the Skagarans took Humans from Earth as slaves for this colony here. Understandably, not good. But uh, yeah. Might be going a bit far here.
There’s some good lines here. Archer is arrested and brought to the sherriff. “How about a shave, Mr. Archer? Nothing like a shave to keep a man civilized” “I feel civilized enough already.”
Before Archer leaves, he fucking decks the deputy and breaks the teacher out of prison. She’s shot, and Archer beams them both out. Right in front of everyone. So now the deputy thinks the Skagarans have come back, and so it’s time to just fucking kill all of them. This guy might be one of the least sympathetic Humans in the ENTIRETY of Star Trek. Not quite as much as the guy who decided the height of Human civilization was Nazi Germany, but he’s up there. The Sheriff is like “Nope, none of that, not while you work under me” and then the deputy just quits so he can lynch them.
Archer just takes the shuttle down and makes it CLEAR that he’s from Earth, b ut the Ex-Deputy starts a fucking shootout. It’s a CLASSIC western-style shootout, and is quite fun. Archer is shot in the shoulder, very bloodyt squib, and then gets into a fist fight with the racist asshole anyway.
T’Pol is taken hostage cause woman weak I guess, god this fucking series, and Reed just fucking shoots her. In the lyncher’s shock, he shoots him too. Smart move. Kinda funny.
Enterprise can’t just take these people back to Earth yet. And even if they could, these people couldn’t really integrate. But clearly, they can improve. The sheriff agrees to change some laws, and they give the teacher a padd to teach with. It’s adorable.
Straight up a good episode.
Similitude - ENT 1/10
The episode starts with Trip’s funeral. YAY. THE EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED. Everyone in chat fucking CHEERED.
Flashback, Trip thinks he has a plan that can make the ride smoother and help the engine last longer. It works for a second, then the engine has Problems and there’s explosions. Oh, Trip, you continue to be bad at your job. Trip is thrown and falls, and he falls into a coma. He might not survive. But Phlox has an idea.
He has a creature that, when given DNA of something else, will duplicate that creature’s life cycle at a very fast rate. If they inject it with Trip DNA, it will become Trip and age and die in 15 days. Phlox believes they can use it to make a new Trip and then harvest his neural matter to save Phlox. Dude, Phlox. You are the most humanitarian doctor in this fucking universe. And you’re thinking this is okay? T’Pol is like “that’s really ethically fucked up”, but it’s NOT ethically fucked up to Phlox???? Phlox has a VERY strict ethical code. This is weird.
I seriously cannot get over this. This is a FUCKED UP CONCEPT. This is unambiguously the darkest thing a Federation captain has done. You all think Tuvix was a moral conundrum? Check THIS shit out. He feels he has to though, cause Trip is apparently their ONLY ENGINEER. HE’S NOT EVEN COMPETENT AT HIS MOTHER FUCKING JOB. They’re stuck in a place that’s killing them slowly, but ONLY Trip can fix this fucking engine? Archer, YOU HELPED BUILD IT.
They name the clone Sim. He’s also remembering things from Trip’s actual childhood. Creepy. DNA memory or something.
He’s told when he’s 4 days old that he’s here as a clone to save Trip. He takes it SHOCKINGLY well. He integrates well into the crew. He also develops some strategies to help them get out. I’m surprised I’m saying this, but I dunno if they made this angsty enough. It’s like they didn’t think about the morality of it, at all.
Sim declares his love for T’Pol. Officially sending THAT ship out. He basically confesses for Trip. Okay. I still don’t care about this romance.
Sim’s plan works, and they might be able to escape. At the same time, Archer is told by Phlox that oh, in order to harvest his brain, they need to kill Sim. That wasn’t orginally the plan, but turns out it has to be done. Sim is like “why shouldn’t I just die?” but then they find out there’s a way to maybe stop the aging. An enzyme MIGHT make him not age and die in ten days. But by the time it’d take to synthesize it, Trip would die, prolly.
Archer is like “no, you should die to save Trip”. He handles this VERY poorly and awfully. Sim is like “I’m my own person, and I’m basically Trip, I even have his memories. Why don’t I deserve to live? Why am I not Trip?” and Archer goes “YOU’RE NOT TRIP, HE’S LYING IN A COMA IN MEDBAY”. Archer. Give him some fucking dignity. But Archer is like “NO I WILL KILL YOU TO SAVE TRIP. DON’T FORCE ME TO KILL YOU MYSELF, TAKE THE DECISION TO DIE INSTEAD.” DUDE, ARCHER THAT’S KILLING HIM.
“I need Trip to finish this mission, Trip himself.”
Oh fuck, shit, how did this image ge here?
Okay when I said this needed to be angstier, I didn’t mean at the expense of Archer’s fucking character.
Eventually Sim decides to die, and T’Pol gives him a kiss. Everyone in chat either laughed or yelled angrily. This episode is dumb.
Sim says that Phlox and Archer made good fathers, wishes them good luck, then dies. Why are we making this a triumphant thing? Anyways then we move to the intro, where, ha ha, it was SIM’S funeral all along! Trip is there watching, like “this is the wierdest day of my life”. The end.
I really hated that. This does not meet its concept in a good way at all.
Carpenter Street - ENT 3.5/10
It’s 2004 Detroit. Some shlub enters his apartment, grabs left over pizza sitting on his bathroom sink, and then gets a call. We’re supposed to relate to this guy btw according to the background info, so get ready. His name is Loomis, and he’s called to be told to bring another one, and do the sedetive right this time.
Are… are these the first prostitutes seen in a Trek episode? I mean, technically there’s lots of dancers and stuff, but they seem to be dancing for the love of the game, there’s no capitalism. Anyways, Loomis kidnaps and drugs a hooker. This might shock you, this is one of the last episodes we have left written by Berman. Rick Fucking Berman over here like “yeah, who hasn’t related to a shlub living like a fucking neanderthal and drugging prostitutes?” The man should be on a list.
Back in the right fucking show, Enterprise, Daniels shows up again! He’s the future dude who keeps trying to help Archer. He says “it takes time for time changes to ripple through the timeline”. Then what the fuck was that episode where the future ended?? Anyways, he wants Archer and T’Pol to go back in time and find otu about it. Why the fuck doesn’t he go himself? “Because it took him long enough to get the clearance for this, it’d take too long to get clearance to go back himself”. WHY DIDN’T HE DO THAT FIRST???
Also this is maybe the first time I’d say we should send Trip on an away mission. He’s a loud belligerant asshole. He’d fit right into 2004 Detroit.
They’re given a Sonic Screwdriver that lets them do whatever they want, which is very boring. Rememebr when Data fit right in and hustled? “I am a Frenchman”. Archer carjacks a car, and T’Pol is skeptical he can drive it
Sorry, I keep getting reminded of better shows.
They find where the Lizard Xindi are stationed, but dunno how to sneak in. They see Loomis leaving though, and follow him, capturing him. They learn that he’s been kidnapping people, doesn’t know why, but he gets paid, so. Archer beats the shit out of him. T’Pol is openly, clearly disgusted by him. He thinks they’re cops. They get him to agree to sneak Archer in my pretending he’s one of the people he’s kidnapping.
This scene is one of the writers getting his anger about drive throughs out, clearly. Also he tries to get T’Pol to touch his dick by dropping food on it.
Archer sneaks in, and does his best to sneak around, though he ends up getting into a laser fight, while T’Pol is stuck with Loomis, and fucking HATING him. I do too. Loomis tries to blow their cover and warn the fucking Xindi, the piece of garbage.
Raptor in my chat gave a good thought. They could just be doing this on the Western planet, which is near them, cause they just need Human blood types. But whatever. This might not be the worst time travel episode but it ain’t great.
They manage to stop the Xindi and send everyone back to it proper time. Loomis is then arrested, the end.
meh.
Chosen Realm - ENT 4/10
A shuttle returns from a Sphere after studying it, and some aliens watching them are like “ah, this is what we were waiting for”. The aliens send out a distress signal and Enterprise goes to help them. They’re the Triannon, and they worship the Spheres. They’re religious zealots, very clearly, (and look like bargain bin Bajorans) though the Humans aren’t gonna call out anyone for religious fundamentalism, that’s rude.
We’re really doing this. Remember this is just post 9/11 as I tell you what happens.
The leader, D’Jamat, puts some of his people around the ship, including next to the warp core, and they all have organic explosives inside themselves. So he’ll blow the ship up unless they do what he wants and takes him where he wants, which is back to his home planet so they can kill all the enemy heretics. It’s a fucking 9/11 planejacking episode.
We see a suicide bomber activate his bomb, it’s very gross looking. A crewman dies.
I want to say, I am not against a Trek episode about religious fundamentalism. I’m pretty sure we’ve had plenty. But uh, we know this was made right after 9/11, and we know exactly what religion they’re thinking about when they wrote this.
This gets even worse when we also throw abortion into this, as one of the fanatics’ wives wants an abortion so that her kid isn’t grown up in this cult. Holy fucking shit. Let’s just go right up and piss on the third rail.
D’Jamat is a calm seeming guy, rather amicable and pleasant, but every fucking word out of his mouth makes it clear he’s evil. We fucking get it. He doesn’t need to also tell a story about how he killed a child. We get it, he’s fucking evil.
D’Jamat tells Archer that people need to die for scanning the spheres. But because he’s generous and likes Archer, he’ll only kill ONE person, and Archer gets to choose. Gee, how generous. Archer chooses himself, and he says his choice of death is the teleporter, a humane technology they use for executions. Okay, that’s genius. That’s like, a Kirkian gambit. Love that actually.
Archer works with Phlox to try and disable the bombs. He also gets the abortion guy to join him, cause he’s pretty unhappy about what’s happening. He also explains what makes his sect different and better than the other sect. They believe the Makers made the spheres in 9 days. They think it took 10.
That feels like a fucking shitpost. It’s a little TOO on the nose. It’s the same kinda corny that the black and white face guys in TOS give off.
Archer and Reed take the ship back by just shooting everyone. Isn’t it great that so many problems in Enterprise can be solved by just shooting everyone? This really is the 9/11 Star Trek.
Archer drops them off on their planet. Just like they wanted. They were gonna kill all the heretics and bring peace. Well, here’s the peace. His planet was blown up in religious war 8 months ago. The end.
This ended up being way better than I expected, but it’s still not very good.