LizstarTrek - Picard Season 1 episodes 1 - 4

Every Sunday my Twitch subs and I watch Star Trek in my Discord. Here are my reviews and thoughts on each of the episodes as I see it. If you’re curious about a nerd’s views on Star Trek episodes, please read on, I go quite in depth with some of these episodes! I’ve watched some Star Trek before but not all of it!

I was not looking forward to DIS, but I think the thing I’ve been dreading the most was this. I have NOT been looking forward to this. Every thing about this sounds bad.

But its time to get started

Rememberence - PIC 3/10

We get Picard and Data on the Enterprise D, playing Poker. They’re having a pleasant time. Data plays a 5 of a kind of queens, and then Picard sees they’re above Mars, and then the ship explodes.

Also, to make Data not look old here, they lathered SO much shit on him. It looks… a little uncanny valley. Anyways, Picard wakes up from his nightmare. He’s on a chataeu in France, with his pitbull pupper named Number One. Everything’s fine.

Anyways, random twist to some random woman on a date in her apartment. Suddenly people break into her room, kill her boyfriend, and try to kidnap her. She then beats the shit out of them easily, before having a weird mind blast of Picard.

Is that a fucking Halo gun

Anyways back to Picard. He’s met with some lady and guy, the guy’s name is Xhaban, the girl is Laris, they’re clearly Romulans, and they need him to do a thing for them. He’s kinda grumpy he has to. Turns out it’s an interview about the Romulan supernova.

Hey, remember that? The Romulan supernova? That happened. It was a thing in the movies they could have EASILY said was an alternate universe, but decided it HAD to be a thing. Alright, sure. Anyways, for this interview, they promised to not talk to him about the one thing he doesn’t want to talk about, but they do anyway: the terrorist attack on Mars.

Some synthetic life forms did a terrorist attack killing thousands on Mars, and Synths were banned as a result in the Federation. Picard still thinks it was a mistake. He’s annoyed at this obvious attempt of a spin, gives one last announcement of “Starfleet fucked up, they made a bad decision, they left people behind, and I would have nothing to do with that. Goodbye,” as the lady from the weird murder scene watches the TV. This is a pretty clunky way to exposit what happened.

She shows up at Picard’s and tells him what happened. He has no idea who the hell she is, and she doesn’t know why she’s here, but the same thing that lead her to fight and kill her would be kidnappers leads her here. We find out her name is Dahj. The dialogue about this is kinda… clunky, and slow. The pacing is kinda off.

Picard has another Data Dream, then wakes up to find Dahj is gone. Picard gets antsy, seems to realize something, and rushes off to his archive. He has the Captain Picard Day banner, that’s cute.

He finds what he’s looking for. A painting made by Data, years ago, which has Dahj in it, named “Daughter”. Dahj finds him again, after having a weird conversation with some creepy fake-mom, and Picard tells her about the painting. Once again, the writing and pacing is just… off, I can’t really describe it.

He tells her he thinks she’s an android, and her memories are fake. She doesn’t take it well.

VERY suddenly, some of those masked guys show up again and fight. There’s a giant fight scene, then one of them spits some acid on her. Her skin melts off, she screams, and explodes, throwing Picard away.

What the fuck??

Why even set that up to just do this?!

Picard wakes up back at his home. All the security footage shows is just him. He’s not happy, and says he’s been waiting for die. Then we get a scene where he’s talking to a scientist about possibly making a flesh and blood android. She laughs at it and cracks jokes. This is not a scene that should show up right after the previous scenes.

We find out some history. They have B-4 still here, he’s deactivated. We learn Data TRIED to download his neural net into B-4 but almost all of it was lost, thus retconning what was planned after Nemesis, and what all the books wrote, and what Star Trek Online did. We learn that Maddox disappeared a while ago. Remember him? He’s the fucking dickstick from Measure of a Man. Also we learn that if androids ARE made, they are made in pairs. Hey it’s okay, we have a backup. Oh boy.

We get a scene of Dahj’s sister, Soji, talking to some guy named Narek. He’s obviously a Romulan pretending he’s not. Then it zooms out, and we’re in a Borg Cube. This is dumb. Alright.

Clunky, and a bad way to start a series.

Rememberence - PIC 2/10

This picture makes me think of Picard in his tighty whities standing with a gun on a roadside.

We get some scenes of 9/11. I’m sorry, I mean the Mars Attacks. We’re introduced to some miners who have a synth working with them as labor. Hey, synthetic mining slaves, why not???? He reminds me of the Crash Test Dummies from the late 80s. Anyways, he suddenly goes rogue, violently kills everyone, then shoots himself in the head after hacking some defend stuff. This happens all over the planet.

I love how happy and optimistic new trek is.

Anyways back on the vineyard, we learn about the Zhat Vash, which is basically an extre secretive cabal of Tal Shiar operatives. A black ops INSIDE the Romulan black ops. They also infiltrate everywhere, “even the Gorn Hegemony”. Dude, I wanna watch THAT show, with a Romulan agent trying to infiltrate the Gorn. This ex-Tal Shiar who’s helping out Picard helps him find out about them. She’s VERY competent and cool. I can’t wait for her to be a major character for this series!! It’s so cool to have a heroic Romulan, especially Tal Shiar.

“This isn’t your daddy’s Star Trek. This is DARK Trek that FUCKS” - Pauline in my Discord

The Romulan who looks like SNW Spock to me and will never NOT look like Spock to me is fucking the android. Okay, cool.

Picard gets a doctor in who tells him he’s got a disease and will probably die soon. One of the side effects of it is “irritability that causes you to lash out inappopriately during interviews”. DUDE. THAT WAS THE MOST INNAPROPRIATE INTERVIEW I’VE EVER SEEN. They promised, 3 times, not to talk about a thing, and then DID talk about it while being overwhelmingly hostile.

There’s something this fucking show is doing a lot. They have like, two “hard hitting” lines the actors REALLY zone in for. But every line around them sucks ass and is poorly written, so they never land! It’s like they’re writing this backwards?

Picard goes to Starfleet like “Hey, Maddox appears to be making new Datas, using data from him. That might mean he can be revived. Please give me a ship so I can go look into this” and Starfleet gets OFFENDED. Like how DARE you, especially after that SHAMEFUL DISPLAY ON THE INTERVIEW. God, we’re gonna get this a lot aren’t we? She’s angry cause Picard wanted to save the Romulans and wasn’t around to stop the Mars attacks, as if he knew they were coming, and said he should have just let them die, cause they were our enemies, who cares. Man, this poor actress. Imagine being told you’re gonna act in Star Trek alongside SIR PATRICK STEWART and they do this to you.

We get some more scenes of the other android and her Romulan boytoy. They are on the borg cube doing research, I think? It’s really not explained what the fuck they’re doing. She’s kinda just standing there watching someone do surgery on a dead Borg.

You know what we don’t have enough of? Scenes of Picard being restless. Oh, and outside shots of his chataeu for like 10 seconds. He gets a combadge and goes “I need your help, I need a ship”.

We get that lady from earlier talking to a Commodore, telling her about Picard saying Romulan operatives are active here. This Vulcan, who is totally not a Romulan operative in disguise, goes “if that was true, I would know”. She then calls for a Lieutenant Rizzo. Holy shit I would LOVE Star Trek x Muppets. Yeah, obviously she’s a Romulan spy. Like, duh. We find that out instantly at least, they don’t let that sit for a while.

Can I say, I’m disappointed by how they’re handling the Romulans here? They set it up so that we could have Romulans in a different light. Heroic ones. And we do! But we do very little with them and leave them behind, and then still have Romulans here who are like Lannisters, scheming and conniving and murdering.

Picard visits some hot lesbian and gives her wine. She hates him but listens when he mentions Romulans. Alright. The uh, the end of the episode? This series is just bad scene after bad scene with no theme to connect em. THis is not ever what I wanted for a Star Trek.

Rememberence - PIC 2/10

This is such a “woe, plague be upon you” image.

We learn who Raffi is. She used to work under Picard, and after all the shit that went down years ago, Picard didn’t fight Starfleet’s dumb-ass decisions. He accepted a resignition they wanted to force upon him, and she was just straight up fired. Why? What? That’s not… how Starfleet works. And in the present, she’s like “you see I live in a HOVEL”. Girl, we live post scarcity, and you live next to Vasquez Rocks. You CHOOSE to live like this. She also once again calls the interview a disaster. Dude, what the fuck, why are we focusing on that?

We’re back to the Borg Cube, introduced to some ex-borg guy, who talks about the racism he and his people have to face. You know, Star Trek, known for its racism. And then he says he’s gonna give the synthetic a job. I’m glad we get scenes about things we never get explained to us. We STILL dunno what they’re doing on this Borg cube.

Raffi tells Picard to fuck right off, but gives him connections to a pilot.

WHY IS THIS SHOW A BUNCH OF DISCONNECTED SCENES THAT HAVE BARELY ANY IMPACT AND TLEL US NOTHING. WHY AM I EVEN TRYING TO SCRIBE THIS DOWN?!

We’re introduced to Picard’s new pilot, who is very Star Wars, though Picard is like “AH YOU’RE STARFLEET TO THE CORE” even though he is clearly not, at all. Nice informed trait, show. This guy is very very Star Wars Rogue One coded.

There’s another random violent fight scene as Picard chats with his Romulan buddies. We also get the doctor who told us about synths and Maddox back. They capture a Romulan and torture him to get information. Cool!

Oh hey, the ex-Borg guy is finally named. It’s Hugh! Remember him?! Cool! Can’t wait for them to do nothing with him. This show does like to re-introduce characters who were in one good episode. First Maddox, and now Hugh.

Anyways we get a lot of things as the two plotlines begin to co-align. There’s some weird prophecy shit about the synth being “the destroyer”. There’s also a lot of things in this where it’s like, a big climactic scene, then the show just continues. It’s SO weirdly paced.

Wtf is this Sith Hallway? Also these two are siblings and there’s some EXTREME Game of Thrones incest energy coming off of them. “I can smelllll her on you. It smells…. carnalll” WHAT IS GOING ON.

Picard goes on his trip finally, it’s time for adventure. He says Engage, nerds, prepare to cream yourself. It’s him, Star Wars guy, Agnes the AI scientist, and Raffi is here for right now apparently, but she tells them where Maddox is, then they blast off.

Absolute Candor - PIC 4/10

We start 14 years ago, Picard going down to make sure that some Romulans who are relocating to a Federation colony are settling in well. He meets and makes friends with a young Romulan boy named Elnor. Although Picard is not, and has never been, amazing with kids, he’s actually amazing with kids. And while fencing with him, he learns of the 9/11 attacks, promises to be back soon, then leaves. And we of course knows he will not, because he resigns and this entire thing was swept under the rug.

Back in the present, Picard orders an emergency stop on that planet. Raffi is VERY angry about this. Picard also sets up a holodeck of his study in his chataeu cause WE BUILT THIS SET WE BETTER MAKE THE MOST OUT OF IT. Picard wants to go there to get a “Romulan Warrior Nun” to help them out. Their words, not mine.

Picard beams down, past some “ROMULAN ONLY” bars where Romulans glare at him, and seem to call in for something, as he goes to the warrior nuns. They’re at least friendly to see him, and we also meet…

We needed a Legolas on our team. I think.

Romulan-Spock shows the synth I can never remember an “ancient Borg ritual”. It involves taking your shoes off and running through the vent escape. Uh, Borg don’t have shoes. This is such a “ha ha, they’re so in love” scene which is weird since for some reason we already KNOW this guy is Tal Shiar and is evil.

“Picard, because you couldn’t save all of us, you decided to save none of us.” Dog, he lost all of the power he had. He’s just one dude in his 80s. The child he knew and befriended, Elnor, Picard TRIES to get him to go with them, but he refuses, angry that Picard abandoned him so many years ago. I mean, look. THIS kid feeling this way, I get it.

Picard then goes to the segregated bar, rips the “ROMULANS ONLY” sign down and forces his way into the bar. Why is he doing this? He MUST know he’s 80 years old and surrounded by angry racists. I guess he’s trying to bait Legolas into protecting him.

PICARD WITH REAL FENCING ACTION.

Anyways Elrond, sorry Elnor, chops this dude’s fucking head off. DARK TREK THAT FUCKS.

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN THESE TWO SIBLINGS?!

Some ship attacks Picard’s, and they manage to beat it. It starts exploding, and then they’re like “quick, beam the pilot over!” aaaaand

Seven of Nine. WTF are you doing here??? I mean, it’s nice to see her. She’s one of the ONLY reasons I wanted to watch Picard, cause I knew she was here, but why was she in the Romulan ship?

Anyways this is the best episode so far, but look. This plot in general is just bad. It’s based entirely on one idea: Picard is a galactic pariah because he only saved some people. Both sides hate him. It’d be like if the Jews and the allies fucking HATE Shindler cause he couldn’t save everyone. This just doesn’t make any sense.

I don’t know why we needed Picard to be hated by everyone, just make bad guys who’d hate him cause they oppose him. This really should not be that hard to do, honestly, but they are failing SO hard. And then, the big reason we’d want a TNG followup: TNG characters. We have Hugh, Picard, and probably Maddox, though he hasn’t shown up yet. Two one off characters, and Picard. None of the people we’d ACTUALLY want here. We got a VOYAGER character before we got any of the actual TNG characters. Picard’s reason is “oh I don’t want them risking their lives and commission to help me do the right thing”, you know, LIKE THEY ALWAYS DID ALL THE TIME FOR 30 YEARS.

Just the very concept of this show is… wrong. And it’s poorly written on top of that.