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I can promise you, by the end, this will be the longest written document about this game on the internet. I could explain the entire game in two sentences, but instead, I have a lot to say.

Yakyuuken Special is porn. You might look and go “wait a minute, what? Porn on the Saturn?” Yes. There’s actually like, 4-6 Saturn games that are porn. Notably, softcore porn. I don’t think penetration happens anywhere on the console, but there are some titties if you know where to look. This is one of those cases. Though, Yakyuuken is actually not originally from the Saturn. This is a port of a 3DO game, and it also got an unlicensed release on the PS1. All versions are essentially the same, except this has 4 more girls than the 3DO version, and the RNG is slightly different. I’ll get into it.

Why DID I play this game? Do I want to ogle 18 year old Japanese girls? Not particularly. See, on Retro Achievements, the site tracks who has the most masteries for each console. And I noticed I was close to the top for Saturn. So why not tackle some of the easier Saturn games and get a free mastery, right? That was the idea, and this game actually was in the “Free Points” hub, showing it was a piss easy game that would take you like 20-40 minutes, and give you free points, however few. By the time I’d be done playing this game, 8 months later, it would not have that label anymore, and it wasn’t by my hand. Someone else looked at it and went “oh god, no, we’re leading people into a trap”

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Allow me to explain how this game works. The game starts up, and you press start to get past the title screen. Then you get a menu of 12 girls, A brings you in to the girl you want. Then you see the girl, there’s a bit of info, her age, her sizes, shit like that. Then a little FMV with her, and then it’s into the game proper.

Each battle, as it were, starts with the girl doing a goofy little jig. She swings her hips left and right, does a little spin, shakes her ass into the camera, spins back around, jumps, and throws her hand out. At this point, the FMV freezes and you must press A, B, or C. Each will send out either Rock, Paper, or Scissors. Then you get an animation of your hands clashing, and if you win, she loses health, and there’s an FMV cutscene of her stripping. More likely, though, is that you lose, and it jumps back to the ass jig. If you DO win, she strips and her ass jiggling is with a little less clothing on, until you take all five HP off of her.

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If you DO manage to do that, she will remove her last article of clothing, her panties. She will turn herself in a way where you can’t even really see the panties being removed, and then she’ll curl her leg over anything, so you in fact see LESS than when she had her panties ON. But then it freezes, so I guess you can jork it, and then you can press any button to go to another girl. It doesn’t track that you’ve won, and there’s no unlockables, but look at all 12 girls, and you’re done. You win, as it were. Easy peasy, right?

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So I did not, in fact, play this game for 8 straight months. I played it on and off. But by the end, I was getting annoyed, and I developed a strategy. See, the game can play itself.

If you hold X and Z, it skips the ass jiggle cutscene, jumping you right to the RPS. This does not skip the stripping, but that’s okay. And if you hold A as well, it’ll just throw out rock over and over. But isn’t that bad? Won’t the game realize it, and stop you? Nope! See, the way RNG works in this game, is with every move you make, it determines whether you win, or lose. That’s it. That’s all it decides. Win, or lose. I won most of these matches by throwing rock over and over and over. It was straight up the real version of that fucking Simpsons meme. Good ol’ Rock. Nothing beats that.

Of course, the RNG is stacked against you, but that’s okay. We just need one more thing to make this game play itself. Put the start button on turbo, so it’s always pressing start, and you’re good. You can’t HOLD start to get past the title screen, but pressing it is fine. The game then keeps track of which girl you were playing, and with those three buttons held down, and start being pressed every few frames, you have the game playing itself. I put all of those buttons on one button, and put a fucking candle on my space bar, and went to bed. Game solved, right?

Nope. This worked for most of the girls, but then I got to my nemesis.

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This is Rie Kouno. My villaness. Pretty sure she’s the oldest girl here, actually. She’s got this like, Japanese Housewife energy to her, as if 22 is 45 years old, cause this game is make by perverts with bad views on women. But anyway, my strategy did not work on her. I left the game playing, on double speed, for two days. And I did not win. By the end of the five days, I had assumed I had run through the entire RNG track, and it didn’t work. So I tried on Paper. Still nothing, two days later. Scissors? Nothing.

So, she beat me. I knuckled down and played the game legit for this one last girl, and yes, eventually I did it. She took her stupid panties off, and I won. I felt nothing.

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This expression will haunt me for the rest of my life. This is the face of a woman who knows you’re not getting any tonight. She’s seen the future and knows every single move you’ll make. Imagine being a horny Japanese pervert, tired after a long day of work, and you get home, ready to jork it to your favorite game, and this girl looks at you like this and goes “nuh uh, no tits for you” with that fucking smile on her face.

I think it’s safe to say I did not enjoy The Yakyuuken Special: Kon’ya wa 12-kaisen!!. It made me feel gross if I even considered using it for its original purpose, which I did not, even for a minute. It frankly fails in that purpose. It is not sexy. Most of these girls have the look of “god, this is my life now, huh?”, and call me a sex maniac, but I need a bit more than just the knowledge a girl took her panties off to jill myself. I’m not a Victorian getting the vapors from some fucking ankles. And it’s not like the actual GAME itself is fun. It’s rock paper scissors with really shitty, mean RNG. Over all, this took me like, 60 fucking hours. Just use pornhub, for however long that website will exist.