Game

I’ve got so much to talk about here. Let’s start with the beginning, a good place to start.

Infocom had become a pretty big name thanks for their smash hit Zork, which revolutionized computer games and really cemented what a text adventure was. Series creator Steve Meretzky was becoming a real name, though I feel he really began to come into his own with this game. Working alongside famous author Douglas Adams, the two of them worked to bring the classic novel The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy to computers. And holy fuck, did they.

If you know this game for anything, you know that it is one of the meanest video games ever made. That is not an exaggeration. This game fucking hates you. La-Mulana is practically giving you a blowjob in comparison to this game.

Let’s start even MORE from the beginning though. What’s The Hitchiker’s Guide? You don’t need me to tell you that, I’m sure. It’s a famous and beloved novel by British novelist Douglas Adams, and it is VERY British. It’s a satire and comedy, but in that British way, where honestly it’s just kinda upsetting and sad. It’s about a guy who’s fucked over by the System and capitalism and society, and then the entire world is blown up because of those same exact factors, but from other, bigger fish in the galactic sea. Get it, it’s like irony. He’s one of the only Humans to survive, and he has to hitchhike his way across the galaxy, hence the name, alongside his friend Ford, and later some other characters.

Game

The game starts extremely faithfully to the novels. You get out of bed, are hung over, and need to lie down in front of a bulldozer so that your house isn’t destroyed, and subsequently you aren’t killed. You will PROBABLY end up killed. Eventually this all will end in you and Ford leaving Earth just as its about to be blown up to make way for an intergalactic highway, and don’t you DARE complain about it, because we had the paperwork up in the galactic town hall for months, and you could have brought up a complaint at any time. Again, yes, it’s that kind of energy. I know a lot of people LOVE Hitchhiker’s Guide, it really just makes me kinda sad, it’s a little too on the nose for me.

So, this game is mean, as I said. How is it mean? I mean, you’ve read the novel, surely you can figure out how to beat this game. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

The most famous example of how this game hates you, is that you need to buy a cheese sandwich in the last 10 minutes the Earth will exist, and then feed it to a random dog on the street. If you do NOT do this, you will be unable to proceed several hours later. And that’s like, an hour or two if you know EXACTLY what you’re doing. More likely about 20-30 hours of rigorous trial and error later.

Game

Another example of the way the game fucks with you is in the tools you collect. You find a bunch of random bullshit lying around. Some of this is bad and not useful, others are useful, and almost all of them are missable. You need to collect ALL of them, though notably you have a limited inventory space, because there are like 13 tools in the game, and when you need to use one, Martin will always choose one you DO NOT OWN, unless you own all of them. It’s kind of like Zork, where you need to bring all the treasures to the center, except it’s kicking you in the dick.

Do I like this game? I’m honestly not sure. However, there is one thing about this game that I cannot shake, and that’s that it reminds me a LOT of Steve Mertzky’s masterpiece, Zork Zero. I can feel a lot of Zork Zero in this. The more irreverent tone and writing especially, but also the puzzles and vibe is just similar. Though the puzzles here ARE harder. That freaking Babel Fish puzzle, my lord. You need to have specific items from earlier, again, with a limited inventory, and then set them up just right to make a rube goldberg machine so the Babel Fish slides into your ear. I made that sound a lot easier to figure out than it is. This particular puzzle is SO infamous that Infocom would sell T-Shirts that said “I Got the Babel Fish!” on it.

Whether I like it or not, I respect this game a hell of a lot. It is exactly what it sets out to be. And it’s intentional, too. It hates you, as designed. It’s a perfect version of the novel transcribed into a game, and a great satire. And of course the writing is fantastic. Maybe just watch a video about it or read a review instead of playing it today, though.

Notably, the game also has a cliff hanger and tells you to be prepared for the sequel. That didn’t happen, sadly, though apparently this is NOT the last game Douglas worked on. He would later create the game Starship Titanic, which is a 1999 adventure game that used a text parser interface, and looks absolutely bugshit. I need to play it someday.