So, over the past year, I have been watching the entirety of Star Trek, and been posting my thoughts on all the episodes and movies as I watch them. Now, I’ve been posting them on Twitter, and I’ll probably continue to do so until that website explodes. But I’ve been putting off putting all my thoughts on this site…. but I’ll go ahead and do that now!

SO! If you’re interested in my thoughts on every episode of Star Trek, and boy why wouldn’t you be, or if you’re interested in just re-living Star Trek with me, go ahead and read on! For future series where I probably ONLY post here, these will have a lot more thoughts on them, but the first few were only one Twitter post, so maybe not in depth.

Amok Time - TOS 7.5/10

IT’S FUCK OR DIE FRIDAY! HORNY SPOCK TIME! #LETSPOCKFUCK

First Season 2 episode! What a wild time. Like, I GEDDIT, but it’s still weird to me that no one knows how Vulcans fuck. If you asked a human, they’d love to SHOW you how they fuck.

I have to say, Spock’s fiance? The worst person in this entire series. What a fucking asshole. “Oh I didn’t want to marry you, so I made you kill your best friend instead :) Highly logical”

Highly go fuck yourself lol hope you’re both miserable together

Who Mourns for Adonais? - TOS 1/10

Not ONLY is it a Manchild God Alien episode, but it’s also a Women Ruin Everything episode! It has a surprising amount of good lines but no, I hated this. Also, this is the first episode where Scotty is an idiot. I HATED this. I am so fucking sick of the episodes where there’s a woman, only for this episode, who ruins things for the crew, and joins the bad guy cause he’s hot and seduces her. It’s happened like literally four times. It’s very 60s and it’s RUINING episodes for me.

“Oh but he’s so nice and kind to me and I LOVE him!”

YOU’VE KNOWN HIM FOR TWENTY MINUTES, AND HE’S INTENDING TO ENSLAVE HUMANITY, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW HOT HE IS

The good lines are the ONLY positive thing to this. “I’ve never met a god before” says the woman in love with the God. “You still havent”, says Kirk

The Changeling - TOS 6/10

This is fine. Pretty tense. The Uhura subplot seemed unnecessary, and the final bits were weird and unfitting, but I liked the tense setups and the conclusion to the villain exploding. ERROR. ERROR.

Also how Scotty gets FLUUUUNG

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Mirror Mirror - TOS 9/10

Classic for a reason. Very tense and fun premise. I love how this autocratic alternate universe with ruthless monsters has all these races living together in harmony. Mirror Universe is fucked up, but cool.

I wanna say, Mirror Spock? Amazing. Makes me love Spock even more. Spock is the only character to be y’know, a legit great individual in this entire universe. Everyone else is fucked up

Also holy shit Nimoy with a beard is so fucking hot jesus christ

The Apple - TOS 3/10

Mostly boring, but the parts that weren’t as boring were bad. Why did Chekov and this random woman fuck in the middle of these woods? I dunno. She never even shows up again. Unsatisfying ending too, just “oh we shot it to death let’s go, after we Teach Tribals To Fuck”

The Doomsday Machine - TOS 7/10

Good setup, but the Commodore RUINS this for me. Coulda been pretty great but he’s an unstable asshole with power and no one can stop him cause that’s how military works. I have no tolerance for that shit and I can’t enjoy seeing it. Then the fucking episode tries to get me to SYMPATHIZE FOR THIS GUY? No. No I cannot do that. He attempted to kill everyone on the Enterprise and swung his power-dick around to make sure it’d happen. Fuck him, he can stay eaten in the Giant Space Tube Sock.

Catspaw - TOS 2.5/10

A few good lines, but this was a real stinker. Another “Bored God who does what they want” episode. Even Shatner seemed checked out, he mumbled every line. The special effects are laughable, but that doesn’t save this episode. I don’t mind the idea of a “Bored God Who Does What They Want” ep, but it has to be actually good. This was just ludicrous, and obviously an attempt at a Halloween episode, and I know that, because they held back on the release schedule to release it on Halloween.

Also, in this episode, every single senior officer is on the planet, except Uhura, who SHOULD be in charge, but they invented a guy to suddenly be in charge so the black woman wouldn’t sit in the captain’s chair. He’s an ASSISTANT ENGINEER. WHY IS HE IN CHARGE?

I, Mudd - TOS 10/10

Wow I loved this. I disliked the previous Mudd episode because the topic was uninteresting/sexist, but when you just let Mudd be Mudd, he’s VERY entertaining. All the characterization in this ep was astounding, I loved the acting and silliness.

Mudd should have come back for more, this series needed more reoccuring characters. Trek never really had that until like, DS9 maybe?

When this episode gets off the rails, it gets REAL off the rails, but the actors were clearly having a blast, and I was too.

Metamorphosis - TOS 5.5/10

Perfectly passable. Fun lore, interesting enough concept, a god-like being that’s NOT an asshole is cool. I like how that whole war thing that was VERY important is handwaved at the end. Absolutely skippable tho.

The Trouble with Tribbles - TOS 10/10

A classic well loved one for a reason. I don’t even have much to add. Loads of fun. I want to note, I think I’m realizing my favorite thing in Trek is the characters riffing off each other. This has that in SPAAAADES.

Oh forgot to mention about the Tribbles: Bones describes them as “bisexual”. I assume he meant they produce asexually, but I’ll just go ahead and accept that they’re bisexual, which means the Tribbles are officially the first queer characters in Star Trek!

Journey to Babel - TOS 7/10

Stressful but interesting, I like all the Vulcan stuff, and Sarek is fun. I was confused why Spock’s mom was so anti letting Spock donate blood, then in the next scene was ANGRY he wouldn’t? Humans be fickle I guess.

Sareks a bottom lol

Friday’s Child - TOS 4/10

I like the Ensign who saw a Klingon and immediately tried to shoot him, despite the peace treaty. RIP Racist Redshirt Grant.

I mostly found this uncomfortable and uninteresting. Usually I’d like alien culture stuff but these weren’t super great. The McCoy romance thing was also pretty uncomfortable. I felt the entire plot with that woman wasn’t done super great. And Kirk’s weird aggressiveness is on full display here for a bit… before it’s completely forgotten again. Maybe that’s even worse.

The Deadly Years - TOS 4.5/10

Good ideas but lots of missed opportunity. I feel like the entire scenario with Kirk getting court martialed was… unnecessary. Just step down, dude, you’re clearly dying and unfit to lead right now.

Also everyone being grumpy is understandable… but not pleasant to watch.

The Commodore was the only high ranking officer I’ve seen who I respect and understand the orders from, but the episode makes it act like he as in the wrong when he was nooootttt.

The age makeup was also a bit disappointing. Old does not = being blond? I love how no seemed to want the old age makeup but DeForest Kelley was like “LATHER THAT SHIT ON ME”

Coulda also explored what aging is like. Instead everyone is grumpy and mean. Ah well.

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A Piece of the Action - TOS 10/10

If you want a solid piece of Star Trek, that’s very Star Trekey, don’t watch this. This is a shitpost. It was so unbelievably entertaining, and so fucking stupid, I really couldn’t help but fall in love. What the fuck is this ep.

I’m starting to realize when the actors are just hamming it up and having clearly a good time just acting and being dumb, it’s the best thing ever. It reminded me of I, Mudd. Kirk and Spock doing dumb Gangster impersonations. Kirk driving a car badly. All perfect.

What are the implications of this? How does this reflect on how Kirk is as a captain? Is it in character? Who gives a shit? It’s fucking hilarious. I could spend maybe five tweets just saying quotes from this episode, and I wouldn’t get to em all.

Oh one more thing…. I think Kirk is at his best when he’s showing how extremely clever and quick on his feet he is in tricky situations. That card scene was genius Kirk at his best. Other Kirks? Throw em out. Angry Kirk? No. Horny Kirk? No. Clever Genius Kirk? Yes

Obsession - TOS 1/10

Oh good, it’s Angry Kirk again! I know last ep I said Kirk acting out of character was okay, but there’s a difference: That episode was fun. This wasn’t. Kirk got five men killed cause of revenge, and that’s NOT KIRKISH AT ALL.

The episode tries to go for a Captain Ahab Moby Dick thing, but the writers didn’t realize Ahab is the VILLAIN, AND YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE HIM. He’s a madman getting everyone killed for no reason. This shit didn’t work with the windsock ep, it doesn’t work here

I’mma codify something.

Lizstar’s Sliding Scale of Kirks. There are four Kirks in ToS depending on writers

1) Socially Clever Kirk. Can get out of any sticky wicket. #1. 2) Emotionally intelligent Kirk. Morally upright. 3) Horny Kirk. Boring but okay 4) ANGY KIRK. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

The Gamesters of Triskellion - TOS 2/10

Ugh. Weird, creepy, Horny Kirk is here and I hate him. Also this is VERY stereotypical bad Trek like, this is what people think Star Trek is. Naked Kirk horning on space babes, Kirk-fu-ing, and yelling at Space Brains.

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Whoever Kirk hired to do his top surgery needs to be sued for malpractice.

The Immunity Syndrome - TOS 7/10

Quotable, stressful, and fun. Full disclosure, I passed out for ten minutes due to pain, I don’t blame the episode on that.

When everyone was giving commendations, sure they wouldn’t survive, it was actually emotionally powerful. If the episode was extremely shit for the ten minutes I was passed out, I’ll take full responsibility lol but it was probably of even quality

A Private Little War - TOS 2/10

Ugh. Like I see what they were going for? But it wasn’t resolved in ANY good way. And the random sexual assault and “weak woman” was SO unnecessary.

Just remove that character, and it becomes… better, but not good. Ugh.

Return to Tomorrow - TOS 9/10

THIS is how you do a God Episode! I was shocked by how good this was, most of the TOS episodes in late season 2 have been… bad.

Very interesting and fun. I really loved evil smiling creepy Spock, too.

I was literally astounded how empathetic this godlike being was, Sargon. Star Trek doesn’t have… good track records with god entities? And yes, two of the three aren’t as good, but I think that made sense and fit the story very well

Also Polaski is here! :D Kinda. It’s her actor lol

Patterns of Force - TOS 7/10

You know, for an episode where the thesis is “The crew of Star Trek visit Nazi Germany”, I liked it WAY more than I expected. When I first saw the nazi uniforms I went “oh my GOD.” Like, they’re seriously going there? WW2 was still very fresh when this was shot. Most of the people there lived through it. Shit, Scotty’s actor fought in it. So like, it was much better than I thought. But it didn’t quite… go as hard as I was hoping. Like, Wolfenstein showing Nazis as idiots style.

The ending didn’t hit as good as I wanted. Oh here was the GOOD nazi, who didn’t want bloodshed, and believed in the fuhrer’s original message of… fascism. Hes going to make it better!

I don’t even know how they would have made it work otherwise. But whoofa doofa

Also holy shit imagine being a historian in a socialist utopia in the year 2268 and thinking “you know what was a great society, and what political body we should emulate to uplift this planet? The fucking NAZIS. Truly the only bad thing about them was the murder!”

Also I don’t know if it was fully intended, but I did find this point amazing: You know how in ToS, all aliens are just humans? That works well here. They’re racist to aliens but CANNOT TELL THEM APART IF THEY’RE IN UNIFORM. It’s so blunt with the message, I love it

I had a LOT to say about this episode, for an episode I only gave a 7/10, but it had a lot of potential to really say something, about how societies turn to fascism, how good people buy into evil. But it kinda just pinned it all on one evil guy in the end. A shame.

By Any Other Name - TOS 8/10

Quite fun. Had that eerie energy, and really sets up the bad guys as sinister and unstoppable. But how are they stopped? By humans being fucking weird.

The Scotty drinking scene is legendary. “It’s uh, well… it’s green!”

The Omega Glory - TOS 1/10

Wow, this is shit. When they brought out the American Flag me and Neli just screamed out ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WHY IS THIS EPISODE DOING THIS”

Alternate Earth, if the Commies won. Racist, unscientific, trying to do… something, failing

There was a mother fucker who was evil for no reason who was just Gehn from Riven. The plot about the “yellows” (ACTUAL TERM THEY USE) and the diseases is ignored and forgotten for weird American self masturbation.

Absolute garbage, prolly the worst episode so far. This was one of the three pilots they wrote. Thank fuck they made the other two first and re-used this later cause if this was pitched as the pilot, Lucille Ball would have gone “fuck this shit”, and she’d be right to.

Star Trek succeeded in spite of Roddenberry.

This episode was so extremely bad that we checked out 10 minutes in, kept going “oh my god there’s still so much episode left” and started pausing it to look at dumb shit, like when we paused it to point and laugh at Kirk’s underwear being in the shot

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The Ultimate Computer - TOS 6.5/10

Langstrom had a great actor, good energy to him. I like Clever Kirk outwitting a computer again, he’s good at that. Also, an actual good Commadore! I’m just not into the theme of “IF I CAN’T HAVE POWER AM I REALLY A MAN?!”

Bread and Circuses - TOS 3/10

I have a lot of thoughts on this. First, this season had a LOT of “weve lost a guy on a planet! Oops, turns out they betrayed the prime directive and are fascists now” type stories. This is like the third one. Heart of Darkness its not

Second, ToS has too many fuckin’ “this planet is just Earth again but X”. And they’re NEVER done well. As a history buff and a big fan of alternate history, a world where the Roman Empire never fell would be NOTHING like this. WHY ARE THEY SPEAKING ENGLISH? It’s not even just a “oh come on Liz they’re just using the translator”, no, THEY SPECIFICALLY STATE THAT THEY SPEAK ENGLISH.

And then the final stinger of the fucking episode. Oh that cult that helped us? The cult that worshiped the sun? You all misunderstood. They worshiped the son! PRAISE BE TO JESUS!

This writer can bite me.

Mission: Earth - TOS 3/10

This episode almost offends me as a Star Trek fan, because its not a Trek episode. It was a back-door pilot for Roddenberry’s Dr. Who knock off cause he thought Trek would be cancelled. And it’s all just kinda boring/bad.

Any of the actual parts that involve the Trek characters is annoying cause they’re acting like idiots. Why the fuck are they time traveling into the past for “observation”. That’s dangerous. Cut that shit out.

Any of the parts with this Gary Seven dude just read like bad fanfiction.

The best part was the cat doll that was flung at people and made chimpanzee noises. The rest was kinda boring or annoying.

…Welp, that’s season 2 of ToS. It got… pretty bad by the end there. Hopefully season 3 is at least FUNNY bad instead of just boring.