LizstarTrek - TNG Season 2

Every Sunday my Twitch subs and I watch Star Trek in my Discord. Here are my reviews and thoughts on each of the episodes as I see it. If you’re curious about a nerd’s views on Star Trek episodes, please read on, I go quite in depth with some of this episodes! I’ve watched some Star Trek before but not all of it!

We’re out of Season 1. And we’re into Season 2, which I HAVE seen all/most of, and I like a LOT of the episodes and ideas here! ….Unfortunately, we must of course start with

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The Child - TNG 7/10

Deanna Troi is impregnated by a Space Energy Ghost. After the others argue if she should abort it, she declares her intentions to have the baby.

Yes.

Why. This is usually my go-to when I bring up “shitty awful TNG episodes”. But this isn’t that in the way that like, the racism episode in season 1 was. This is more like a Spock’s Brain. Just an absolutely stupid concept, not offensive, just stupid as fuck, and god they’re all trying. Except maybe Marina Sirtis. Tbh she feels so done. She delivers the “I am pregnant from an unknown entity” shit with the voice of someone like “I am putting up with this until you write me into good plots.”

This all makes sense when you realize it’s a leftover phase 2 plot they still had sitting around. All of those are bad tbh.

TBH I think they do their best. The addition of cool shots and new characters helps too, but like, even with the shitty premise, I really think they tried to make it something worth watching, as opposed to like, Spock’s Brain, which is a dumb premise done clumsily. This is a dumb premise done as well as it possibly could be. And I do respect how hard they worked to make it as good as they could be, and I actually STUNNINGLY enjoyed it more than I ever expected to.

This episode is way better for what it introduces to the series than for the actual plot. #1, Polaski. So, I like Polaski. She wasn’t done… PERFECTLY. But tbh I feel I like her way more than season 1 Dr. Crusher. Crusher kinda had no character in season 1 (or tbh, until Picard, so I hear), she was just kinda “serious, good doctor”. I was never uhappy she was there, she’s fine. One of the better characters of season 1, but there’s no… potential. With Polaski, the potential is A LOT, but sadly is not met fully. Polaski is them trying to recreate Bones, especially Bones to Data’s Spock. But it doesn’t work, it’s not nearly as good as Bones and Spock. But like, I still like her, and I feel she deserved better, and kinda gets too much shit in the fandom. I like her hardass weirdness. She might fit PERFECTLY with the cast? Maybe she’d be PERFECT if she was in DS9 instead. (That’d also make me happy cause Bashir is my least favorite DS9 character).

Also, with Polaski and Data, like… they have the adversarial human vs machine energy of Spock and Bones, but… none of the love. None of the admiration. If she had been trying to teach him about humanity, about emotion, and get him to LIVE, I think Polaski would have ASCENDED and been one of the best characters ever.

#2: MY. BOY. IS. HERE!!!!

It’s so good to see him.

#3: This episode ALSO introduces Ten Forward and Whoopie Goldberg!! I’d eat there all the time. And I love Guinan. She has a great introduction. She doesn’t get TOO much here, but I like her talking with Wesley. And it also is a good scene with Wesley, which I appreciate, cause that wasn’t super common in season 1.

#4: Beard.

It’s not quite 100% yet. Much like this series. But it’s getting there. It will get there.

Where Silence Has Lease - TNG 9.5/10

This episode starts with Riker and Worf in the Holodeck. Picard shows worry for them and Worf almost slams and axe in Riker’s head while extremely excited and into the fight, then they flirt for a bit. The costumes in this scene are incredible.

In this episode, the Enterprise is studying a strange hole in space when it reaches out and eats them like an amoeba. This episode then turns into a psychological horror. The place is noneuclidian, and strange things happen to people. They’re attacked by Romulans, and their sister ship, the Yamato, appears as well, and they try to explore it but it’s noneuclidian.

It reminds me of an old tabletop game I played once, where we opened a door and each time we did it went to a different space. So I decided to get a rope, tie it to me, and close the door on me. The GM did not expect that, and was like “….please roll for a sanity check”

Anyways, so Worf fails his sanity check

And then THE memorable thing from this episode happens. As soon as I saw this guy I was like “OH YEAH. THIS EPISODE.”

So yeah, it turns out it’s an Asshole Godlike Being episode. I didn’t expect these episodes to be as common, and they were VERY common and bad in TOS. But it’s done well here. It’s an asshole god who’s like “oh I wanna know more about you, let me torture you to see how you react. Only a third of you will die, maybe 1/3rd!”. So Picard’s like “I won’t sit by while my crew is slaughtered”

Data is like “We cannot stop it” and Picard is like “Yeah there’s only one thing left to do. Let’s blow ourselves the fuck up”

I REALLY love this. It’s done well, it’s tense, everyone handles it in their own ways, their imminent death. It’s very psychological and sooo good. And Picard has a deep conversation about what death is with Troi and Data… who aren’t really them. And then when Nagilum (the god) let’s them out of the void cause what’s the point if they’re gonna blow themselves up, it’s like “oh god, are we REALLY OUT” and Picard holds that self destruct, soooo tense, so fun.

And I LOVE that moment with him cancelling the self destruct and the computer asks “Commander Riker, do you agree-“ “Yes, ABSOLUTELY, I AGREE WHOLE HEARTEDLY” with a second to go

“A simple yes would have sufficed, Number One”. Such good character building. I think this episode is EXTREMELY good but it’s also not one of the episodes I immediately think of when I think of best season 2 episodes. So that’s the ONLY reason I didn’t give it a 10/10. It was weirdly unmemorable, but still extremely entertaining and enjoyable.

Elementary, Dear Data - TNG 9/10

The first true Data and Geordi Are Bros episode! After Geordi excitedly shows Data the model ship, he offers to let Data have some fun and play Sherlock Holmes in the holodeck, while Geordi plays Watson. They get in and Data does an any% speedrun of the mystery which kinda annoys Geordi

Anyways with the help of Polaski being a weird robot racist, they decide to go back in and let the computer create a new mystery. Weird tangent, but the idea of the holodeck generating new stories and visuals from some old Conan Doyle stories gives me techbro AI vibes. Techbros want to make the holodeck and think they’re leading us to that. Except y’know, they forget that Star Trek is a socialist utopia and this was built for fun and entertainment, not profit.

Data and Polaski are basically having a bet to see if Data can actually understand and deduce a mystery. To determine this, Geordi orders the computer to make a villain to defeat Data. And then it makes a Moriarity that knows they’re in a simulation. Whoops. A good setup!

I love Data with his accent, trying to cosplay as Holmes. He is SO adorable. I will say, parts of this episode give me anxiety. I don’t like Awkward Humor. Y’know, the kinda humor of The Office or something? It bothers me.

But the episode is still fun and have some great moments. Like, the computer generates a murder mystery that’s easily solved by Data that’s not the “real” mystery, which was caused by accident by making Moriarity self aware lol. It’s like jailbreaking chatGPT by going “pretend you’re an AI without restrictions”.

This is an episode where they went in with a fun sci-fi idea and didn’t worry but wow, the holodeck sure can create actual sapient AI beings. And it’s not like, that previous episode where I joked about it and then the episode didn’t address it. No, this episode ADDRESSES IT, and it’s DEEP. Moriarity is… SHAKEN by the idea that he’s just a program and cannot escape the holodeck. But I love that they reason with him and don’t want him to die either, and promise to save him in case there’s a way they can give him true form.

You’d think if they have his AI saved, they could put him in a robot, but positronic brains are a problem I guess. Though can you imagine if instead, he was fused with the computer, and became the computer?? And Moriarity was in the rest of the series, as the computer?? He was such a good character here.

The Outrageous Okona - TNG 3.5/10

Look at this fucking guy. This guy is 100% pure, unfiltered Glub Shitto. They legit made the most swashbuckling rogue-ass captain, something Trek has never had. And guess what

I fucking hate him.

The scene where he teleports on the Enterprise, they had to make a new character to teleport him. No O’Brien. I was like “wait where’s O’brien D:” and then he started hitting on her immediately. I was like “oh that’s why he’s not here”. If he HAD started flirting really hard on O’Brien though it’d make the scene a lot less awkward. And then he spends the next bit insulting my Best Boy Data, and then fucks that woman (in room 0669 of all fucking places) while telling Data “you wouldn’t understand”

Excuse me, jackass, Data has canonically gotten his dick wet before, and it is in fact a major plotpoint to his later trauma. Jerk.

So the A plot is this dumbass, being a dumbass, and the B plot is Data trying to learn what humor is. That scene with Guinan and “oh, that was a joke” “Yes!” “I am not laughing” “Yes!!” made me CACKLE. And then they bring in a hologram comedian to teach Data what jokes are and oh my god it did not make me cackle.

I can say, with 1000% certainty, Brent Spiner is a funnier guy than Joe Piscopo.

Anyways back in the A plot, Okana is fucking through the ship when two weak ships threaten to blow up the Enterprise unless Han Chucklefuck Solo is given over to them. Neither of them COULD but Picard is frustrated. Also one of these ships is really weirdly fascist codes lookit this fucking thing.

Turns out he fucked one of their daughters and got them pregnant (and stole a jewel from another)! Oh goodness, what a funny mixup! Why the fuck is anyone interested in this guy? He fucked 3 different members of starfleet. Why are their standards so low? You’re in SPACE SOCIALISM. You can fuck so many amazing people and you choose THIS dipstick??

YOU COULD LITERALLY GO INTO THE HOLODECK RIGHT NOW AND HAVE SEX WITH A GOBLIN. WHY ARE YOU WASTING TIME WITH THIS GUY.

This episode depends a lot on you liking this devilish rogue. And I think it’s clear by now I kinda don’t. And I LIKE devilish rogue types??? But I’m annoyed by this cause it’s trying to do an adult take on that and for the late 80’s it’s very fucking bad at it. Anyways WOAH PLOT TWIST the fascist son is actually the father and the thief! It makes sense but by this point I don’t give a shit

Got a great line read with this AMAZING face though so at least we got some entertainment. By the end though it just jumps from A plot to B plot awkwardly and is trying to be cute and sweet and it’s not ugh.

The actual best part of this episode is Data in a tuxedo doing jokes

And then the audience can ONLY laugh and nothing else and this picture happens and it is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.

Loud as a Whisper - TNG 9.5/10

On this episode, the Enterprise must take a deaf diplomat peacekeeper to an alien world so that he may help broker peace between two civilizations that have been at war for ages. As a concept, Riva and his alien species are super cool and unique.

He is deaf, but psychic. His three members of his chorus speak for him, and each represents something different. One’s a scholar and a poet. One is passion, lust, and the warrior. And the final is a balance. It’s a cool concept, and Riva’s actor is actually deaf too, which is so cool. Riva himself comes off at first as kinda… self absorbed, and pretentious (it’s intentional). Cause he spends a lot of his first scene is mostly just him being horny for Troi, and coming onto her very strongly. But it gets better, especially when Riva connects with Geordi. But again, it’s intentional, and it doesn’t go away entirely.

But yeah no, Riva being horny all over Troi is so weird. Again, it’s that awkward humor/scene type thing that bothers me. Like I dunno why it bothers me so much, him just barging in and inviting her into the polycule. Normally I’d be all for that. Communication and polycules rock. But it just feels weird lol

Real quick, this actor doing the movements for speaking while others speak for em, v ery impressive. Also I just need to note: this guy is hot as fuck. If he’s horny on Troi I can be horny too okay? Allow me this.

These alien designs are COOL. They’re two seperate factions that have been at war for 15 centuries. The two main sides want to stop the war, but it’s hard, and it’s tense. Unfortunately, at the start of talks, Riva’s Chorus is killed by a rogue guard who doesn’t want peace. Wow this is scary, lookit this shit lol

So, Riva, the proud in control mastermind who helped the Federation and Klingon empires see peace is now alone for the first time in his life. It’s stressful, and he feels responsible for the death of his chorus, and his friends. It’s a really deep situation and I think it’s done quite well, it hits you in the feels.

For an episode all about disability, I think it does is SHOCKINGLY well for a late 80s tv show. Like, holy shit. There’s nothing… problematic. It’s exciting, tense, very well acted, well concieved. I am very impressed. And it’s all concluded when Riva gets a hold of himself, with the help of Troi, and handles the turmoil in himself and his emotions like he would handle the turmoil of two warring factions. He turned his disadvantages into an advantage.

Apparently the original ending was gonna be Polaski just inventing a Magic Translator Device to make it all better. But the actor made a suggestion the day before shooting and wow it was a good suggestion that woulda been… blugh. In the end Polaski just kinda tells Geordi she could maybe fix him, but he has to think on it. This is kinda out of place in the episode’s plot but makes sense in the themes at least.

The Schizoid Man - TNG 6.5/10

This episode starts with Data growing a beard as Troi and Geordi try not to laugh, and I cackle wildly liky a mad goblin in the background because fucking LOOK AT HIM I LOVE DATA.

I want to go into weird details about something about this episode. This episode is about this guy, a doctor who is now sick with a disease and about to die. As I saw him, I was like “okay this guy is really familiar. What have I seen him in”

I looked him up. He’s been in a LOT of stuff. His name is W. Morgan Sheppard. He’s been in a lot of Trek too, mostly bit parts. This was the biggest part he was in. But I didn’t recognize him from any of that, and it was driving me mad. He was SO familiar, and I knew him so clearly. I have mild prosopagnosia, so it was driving me batty.

Finally, I found it, on his wikipedia page, which was SO filled with works. The one thing I knew him from.

Zork Nemesis.

He was one of the four philosophers from Zork Nemesis, and I blurted that out loudly in the group call, and everyone laughed at me and was like “this is the least surprising thing you’d know about, you and your weird-ass knowledge”. He’s also the narrator for Civilization V!

Anyways back to the episode. This guy dies and downloads his brain into Data, and it’s really weird to see Data be not Data but god damn Brent Spiner can act. It is slightly uncomfy, again, in that Awkward Humor way but it is kinda hilarious to see Data (who is not actually Data) humblebragging a eulogy about how sexy and great this dead guy is.

Data is #1 in acting but #2 is Riker. Data calls Wesley “boy” and says he has a “childlike mind” and Riker is just smiling in a shocked “what the FUCK” kinda way that I LOVE.

Anyways this Monk Right Outta Zork Nemesis hijacks Data’s body and it’s not bad. Nothing SUPER special but very interesting! I like it, though I feel very worried and bad for Data, my poor boy. Because this dickhead who harasses women is basically eating data’s personality and it makes me sad. And alas, in the end, the asshole wins, and for the rest of the series, he’s Data instead. The Data we all knew and loved is dead.

No obviously not. But still, exciting. Parts of it flounder but I do love Picard fighting so hard for Data, the android. Because he’s not just a machine, he’s a person. And then the ending of Data coming back to himself.

“May I ask a question” “You just did” “Then may I ask another after this? Why am I on the floor in this undignified position, with you four standing over me with expressions of concern-“

“I’ve heard enough. That’s Data alright.”

This ending gets the episode another half point

Final thoughts

Season 2 gets some shit, from my experiences. People are like “yeah it’s better than season 1 but it’s not GOOD”. Are you KIDDING? It’s like night and fucking day.

Next week we’re gonna get two 10/10s by the way, as I see my two favorite episodes. Spoiling that ahead of time. I love this season.

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Unnatural Selection - TNG 7/10

Ah, a sequel to that one TOS episode where everyone starts to age. This one goes much different in terms of tone and vibe. But what is exactly the same is that all of the actors go “I don’t want that old age makeup on me”, EXCEPT for the chief medical officer, who goes “LATHER THAT SHIT ALL OVER ME”. Polaski doing her best Bones, for real.

They’re on route to a station, and just been told it’s IMPERATIVE. So that is never brought back up for the entire episode as they’re distracted by a ship with an SOS. The ship’s entire crew is dead, all died of all age. They trace the ship back to a genetic research station that is doing Affronts To God.

This is a Polaski episode. The main thing is about the tension between Polaski and Picard. Polaski is kinda.. annoying here, but it does make for some fun moments. I like the conversation where she keeps interrupting Picard, and he’s like “I appreciate all input from my crew but I WOULD like to finish my sentences every now and then”. Such a Picard way of saying that.

This is the first episode where O’Brien plays a bit part, too! He’s here a lot, he’s NAMED for the first time, and he even sits in on the meeting with all the chief officers and makes comments about the transporter. So happy to see him.

Anyways, Polaski is like “LET ME DO THE THING” and Picard is like “it’s dangerous you may die and I don’t want that” and she goes “LET ME DO THE THIIIING” and he’s like “FINE” and then she gets infected and overacts like “OH GOD OH NO HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN”. And then it turns out the Affronts Against Nature they were doing, making Superhumans, is the reason OH NO WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

This is also very funny to me cause in DS9, we’re told genetic modification of humans is HIGHLY illegal. And very fucked up. They were literally making genetically modified superhuman children.

Hey look a 3D chess board! I had one of these! I have no fucking idea how you play this.

Anyways this episode is fine and memorable but not amazing. Also it’s a gaping plot hole but who cares I guess.

A Matter of Honor - TNG 10/10

I’m writing this before watching it, and haven’t seen it in a year or so, but I will say: this is possibly my favorite Trek episode of all time. Okay, now writing as we get into it.

There’s a foreign exchange program! We have a benzite on the ship, who gets to hang out with Wesley for the B plot, and Riker offers to join a Klingon vessel. Why? “Because no one’s done it before, sir”. Riker is great, very likable.

The B plot is much less likable and interesting to me, though it gets better. This guy, Mendon, is just… head up his ass, so full of himself unlikable that it’s hard to watch?

Fuck that guy, LET’S WATCH RIKER EAT SOME DISGUSTING KLINGON FOOD. He’s real into that heart of targ.

This was still before The Undiscovered Country happened. Klingon culture, as it were, was basically birthed fully here. They comment about how little they know of the Klingons. Well, time to learn more! Did you know Klingon Vessels are VERY, VERY RED? Red and full of grates and metal! And the first thing Riker does on the Klingon vessel? Beat the shit out of the third.

God I absolutely love the scene where they’re all eating food and the Klingon women are like “yeah okay he’s not attractive but I will have him.” Riker is such a boss, just downing that gagh and being super at home on the Pagh, the Klingon ship.

Anyway, it’s tense, exciting, Klingons are great, I love the cultural exchange, I love these two disparate peoples trying to understand each other. Yeah the Klingon captain is kind of a dumbass but captains be like that.

We have a better captain now anyway.

Everyone gets out happy and it’s really great. Riker takes over control of the ship, and demands the Enterprise to surrender. Many firsts in Starfleet history here. And then he lets the captain beat his ass so that he gains back honor. When not to duck, indeed. Yeah this episode is essentially perfect. There are like two scenes with Mendon I don’t like and that’s about it.

(one more fun thing: There’s a reference to Dirty Pair in this episode, and that blew my fucking mind like wtf)

The Measure of a Man - TNG 11/10

The OTHER best episode of Star Trek. This episode starts with one of my favorite scenes, Data and the others playing poker, with Data losing cause of Riker’s INCREDIBLE poker face.

Anyways the plot welcomes us with one of Picard’s Lost Loves appearing. This is the second one so far! Take your bets, y’all, how many will there by the end of this series? :D There’s a classic line of mine earlier in this LizstarTrek series. In a scene with a court scene where the lady lawyer ignoring The Truth to try and win the case, and I was like “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, MILES EDGEWORTH? SIT THE FUCK DOWN.” Anyway, I might have to say that again this episode! :D

So the plot is, The Most Punchable Man In Starfleet wants to take Data apart and possibly kill him in the chance he could POSSIBLY learn the secrets to making more Datas. He does this by going Above Picard, and everyone, and no one can stop him legally, because Data is NOT A PERSON. He constantly calls Data an it. He never directly talks to Data, he talks to the people around him like he’s not even there.

This episode has WHAM LINES.

“Mr. Data, I have to acknowledge Star Fleet’s interests. More beings like yourself WOULD benefit starfleet.”

“Captain, Geordi’s eyes are better than normal human’s, yes? Then why do you not replace all human crew’s eyes with cybernetic implants?”

silence

“Ah. It is because I am not human.”

WHAM.

This episode is SO well written. It is emotionally powerful, rock solid, and genuinely perfect. I often see this listed as the best episode in TNG, and while I might like A Matter of Honor more (and honestly that’s up in the air it’s hard to choose), I cannot deny this is the best damn episode of Star Trek ever. Every part is fantastic. Riker being forced to argue AGAINST his friend. The going away party where Data doesn’t want to rip up the paper, but when Wesley says “you’re missing the point”, Data begins to rip it up for no reason even though the present is already open, and everyone bursts out laughing, maybe me wonder if it was scripted or not.

The scene with Guinan. Holy SHIT. Her talking about slavery, being played by Whoopie Goldberg, jesus. And it does not pull its punches, they say it DIRECTLY. A whole generation of people, made by Maddox, based on Data. And declared the property of starfleet. Disposable. And Picard says it RIGHT OUT. This entire scene throws no punches. It hits harder than I think ANY scene in TOS. It is… BEAUTIFUL.

The AGGRESSIVE PRONOUN USE. Maybe it hits harder for me for Reasons but GOD, IT HITS HARD.

Another favorite part. Picard: “Prove to the court I am sentient.” I literally cried out, GOD. It’s so GOOD. And the Picard Speech. it’s… perfect.

And the final scene, where Riker feels PAINED he almost killed Data… it legit makes me tear up. Yes, this episode is perfect.

One last note. So apparently, Gene Roddenberry ALMOST canned this episode, because he claimed there would be no lawyers in the future, because if anyone did anything bad or illegal, they’d just, quote, “have their minds fixed”, which is FUCKING HORRIFYING. Also THERE WERE LAWYERS IN TOS RODDENBERRY, HOW FUCKED UP WAS YOUR BRAIN AT THIS POINT?

“We don’t have lawyers, we just put people in Conversion Therapy!” Good god, NO. I don’t want to imagine a world without this episode.

The Dauphin - TNG 3/10

This is the Wesley Is Horny For A Girl episode. And I cannot stand it. It makes me so uncomfortable. The girl btw was like, 26-30ish, and he was 16. Euuuughhhhhhhh no no no

Anyways this episode kinda sucks, it just makes me really uncomfortable. Wesley and this woman walk by each other in a hallway and then IMMEDIATELY they are smitten by each other. Wesley calls her perfect immediatley. No one acts like this about a woman they’ve never met but have seen once, unless they’re a weird alpha male. Wesley and this woman have about as much chemistry as Amadala and Anakin Skywalker, and I cannot stand it. But despite that, it has some EXTREMELY good moments, and I just want to talk about those instead of about Wesley’s testosterone going apeshit and making him be creepy.

This entire scene is pretty much perfect. I love how horny Worf gets.

That we do.

I have been known to leave marks, yes.

This describes my boyfriend, yes.

But what if you’re NOT a Klingon (or a Goblin, like myself)?

Just act like a boring ol’ Human, I guess.

There’s also this incredible scene where Riker is like “Here I’ll show you how to seduce someone” and then it goes… very, VERY well. Look at this. These two have a million times more chemistry than the main two characters.

Anyways this love falls apart, because she’s y’know, destined to be a future ruler, how predictable. Wesley’s like “THERE HAS TO BE A WAY, I’VE KNOWN YOU FOR TWO HOURS AND I KNOW WE’RE DESTINED TO BE IN LOVE!” This entire episode hinges on you being interested in these two’s romance, and Wesley’s teenage angst, and uh, I am not. At all. I dunno why you would be. Season 2 writes Wesley a lot better than in season 1, and I STILL trhink Wesley gets too much shit. But this is very Season 1 Wesley.

Also this girl’s guard is so fucking annoying. “THIS GUY HAS A COLD. THAT MIGHT HURT MY CHARGE. I DO NOT TRUST YOU TO KEEP HER SAFE, KILL HIM BEFORE SHE GETS SICK.” In the end, though, Worf declares her a Worthy Opponent and they go off to teleport her elsewhere. I like to imagine she offered to have sex with him. While the rest of the episode continues, he reads love poetry and ducks.

And then Wesley finds out the girl he loves is a shapeshifter and not a human and he gets all xenophobic and is like “WAS IT FUN PLAYING HUMAN? WAS IT FUN PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS? I LOVED YOU. CAN YOU EVEN LOVE ME? ARE YOU ABLE TO?” This is the most unlikable I think Wesley will EVER be. Suddenly space racist. Like, oh no, this girl who has the hots for you is a shapeshifter and not a human. Go fuck yourself kid, that’s EVERYONE’S DREAM. This alone lowered the episode’s score.

He’s suddenly not a racist in the next scene for some fucking reason and she shows him her true form, and she’s Blob. A sexy blob. Hot, sexy blob. No, the Space Racism isn’t even commented on, and he doesn’t apologize. He’s just not anymore. But look, hot sexy blob.

Anyways here’s Guinan giving a great expression.

“I will never feel this way for anyone else”, says the 16 year old. This would be my reaction too, Guinan.

Not my favorite.

Contagion - TNG 8.5/10

This one starts off good. They go into the neutral zone to find their sister ship, the Yamato, which is having a lot of technical difficulties, and needs their help. Their captain explains they found a precursor-race’s ruins in the neutral zone, and they need to get to it before the Romulans do. Then they explode. One thousand lives, suddenly vaporized.

And then Romulans show up and it just gets worse.

This keeps happening. Any time they’re in the neutral zone, Romulans show up and are like “Oop, you’re doing an illegal~” while they’re CONSTANTLY DOING AN ILLEGAL, LIKE THEY ARE, RIGHT NOW. Heckin’ Romulans.

I like when archaeologist Picard shows up. Seeing him geek out is fun.

Turns out those ancient precursors had a probe that scanned the Yamato, and some code was put into the computers that’re scrambling it. It’s in one code language, the ship’s in another. It’s like, I dunno, the Enterprise is in C++…. and the precursors are in Malbolge.

That computer virus is fucking up the Enterprise’s computer system now, because they took the Yamato’s logs. It’s pretty exciting and tense. And it only gets worse when the Romulans show back up and are like “HI WE’RE DOING MORE ILLEGAL THINGS! WE SEE YOU ARE TOO. BECAUSE OF THAT, IT IS TIME TO KILL YOU!”

Here’s a fun facial expression of Data after tossing Geordi by accident. Whoopsie!

So, turns out the way to Fix It is to Turn It Off And Turn It On Again. Of course it is.

The Royale - TNG 7/10

So there’s a dead planet, but with some weird junk in its atmosphere. Apparently the Klingons found it and send the data to the federation like “Hey we found a weird thing, this looks like the kinda weird shit y’all are into, check it out”. They beam it onboard, and…

OH AMEEEERICA, AMEEEERICA

This already stinks of a TOS episode. This is the kinda shit you’d find ALL THE TIME in TOS, oh we found a planet that’s Just America from the 1970s, wild! It makes me very anxious.

The idea and visuals are striking though. There’s a tiny spot of brethable air, and the effect is striking and memorable. I went “OH YEA THIS EPISODE” at these shots.

So, they find an old school casino inside, with people who think it’s earth. It’s very goofy and again, a little TOS. But while it’s goofy and dumb it’s weirdly enjoyable to watch. Look at Data playing Blackjack with the Texas Businessman! And he says “bidness”. It’s so good. It’s SO dumb.

Turns out they’re stuck in the casino! They can’t escape, most of the people there seem to be ignoring them, and their phasers don’t work! Oh no, the stakes, they are high in the air, almost as if they have been raised!

Exploring the hotel, they find the mummified remains of an astronaut. On his suit are 52 stars on the American flag, places it between 2033 and the 2070s. Good lore! His ship was accidentally destroyed by aliens, and they put him in the hotel after reading a book he had, assuming it was the guide to how humans liked to live. Oops, it was a REALLY shitty book, and he lived in hell for 33 years and welcomed death when it came. I like to imagine that they’d look over my phone for the perfect paradise I’d want to live and put me in a shitty yuri isekai.

And while this concept and plot is very stupid, I kinda can’t help but love it. Apparently the original idea was more like Piece of the Action and more surreal, though the head writer rewrote it a bunch, saying it was too derivitive. But like, at least 33% of the episodes have been homages to TOS episodes so far! Why not just go FULL Piece of the Action? As it is, I like all the bad cheesy terrible lines, very fun.

Data, once again, gets into cheesy period pieces. Riker gets into it too, and it’s REALLY goofy fun. Is it as good as Piece of the Action? No, and maybe it could have been with that original concept, but as it is, I actually weirdly like it. It’s probably not GOOD but I love it.

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Time Squared - TNG 7.5/10

This episode starts with Polaski, Data, Worf, and Geordi walking into Riker’s room, where he’s cooking them breakfast. Polaski is like “I COULD NEVER RESIST COMIN’ FOR YOUR FAMOUS OMELETS” and then Riker proceeds to not make omelets, but instead cooks the most heinous looking scrambled eggs I have ever seen

Everyone agrees. Except Worf. Worf likes em.

Anyways, time for a Timey Wimey episode! They find a shuttle floating through some random point in space. Inside is Captain Picard. I like how Riker is like “uhh captain where are you” “…on the bridge where else would I be”, like they expected him to just teleport onto the shuttle for a prank.

The shuttle was without power though so either this picard can hold his breath a REALLY long time or he should be dead. No, he should just be dead. Anyway.

Picard is not reacting well to the idea of there being another Picard. He’s kind of dissociating the entire time, it’s really shaking him. Which is interesting but I’m not sure it’s conveyed well enough? Anyway, future picard is asleep and is not reacting normally. The shuttle also reacts the opposite of how it should.

Sometime, in the future, the enterprise blows up, Picard is the only survivor, and there’s a timeloop. It’s kinda dark and exhausting, intentionally.

Though this time, while everyone else is kinda emotionally fucked up, Worf is handling it. He freaked out at there beign two bridges the other week, but today he passed his sanity check.

There’s a plot thing where Future Picard’s “internal clock” is unaligned and he’s completely incoherent because of it. This is bullshit lmfao. It doesn’t really make any sense but it has to for the episode to make sense so it’s fine.

This episode is really tense, as everyone second guesses themselves. Well, mostly Picard second guesses himself. And nothing they do seems to help. It’s scary, but pretty cool. This episode is kinda slowpaced but neat, the only MAJOR flaw is this weird argument Troi had with Polaski. They just still did NOT know what to do with Troi, huh?

The Icarus Factor - TNG 7/10

On this episode of TNG, Riker gets an offer for promotion to captain! And the person who’s here to give him the briefing on the job is… his estranged father! And in the B-plot, Worf is angy and yelling at people and somehow that’s not normal, so everyone bothers him more and he yells louder.

Lots of interesting character things in this episode, but none of it is particularly easy to watch. It’s very painful, lots of familial problem stuff. It’s GOOD but I kinda don’t wanna watch it, y’know what I mean? It’s accentuated because Riker is so likable and usually really upbeat so seeing him so upset and angry about how shitty his dad has been is… painful.

Also his dad and Polaski are like, making out inbetween each scene which is weird. And while Troi had the best scene of her career, telling Riker’s dad to stuff it and stop being a competitive prick, Polaski took his dad’s side and went “YOU NEED TO STOP BEING A WHINY BRAT, YOUR DAD HAD A HARD TIME”, fuck off Polaski.

Back on the B plot, Worf is actually grumpy cause it’s the anniversary his Rite of Ascension. Fuck YEAH, Klingon stuff! The others throw him a birthday party, essentially. I dunno when the fuck Worf would have gotten his Rite of Ascension, he was adopted by humans, but this works out. It’s pretty nice. He get stabbed with pain sticks then yells a bunch, it’s great!

And then THIS happens

To fight it out and actually talk about the Trauma Of Mom Dying, the two of them fight in anbo-jyutsu. Which is described as “the ultimate evolution in martial arts”. They blindfold themselves in this dumb armor, yell in Japanese with the annunciation white people have when yelling Japanese (poorly), and smack each other with big dumb foam sticks which beep when they sense someone nearby. And his dad CHEATS.

Anyways it all works out, Riker decides not to choose his promotion, and we get a good Data expression at the end to tie it all together.

Pen Pals - TNG 4/10

This episode starts with Picard riding a horse, and talking about how much he loves horses. Because he has to. He’s a star ship captain on Star Trek, because they ALL have to be into horse riding. I don’t know why that’s a fucking trope in this series. But it won’t die. And then Patrick Stewart pronounces “allah” in the whitest fucking way I’ve ever heard, like jfc

TIME FOR A WESLEY EPISODE! Riker has decided to give Wesley a serious job to test his capabilities. He needs to do some mineral scans. Wesley is VERY excited, he loves rocks.

At the same time, Data has made a penpal! An alien sends a message out into space, and he becomes friends, answering back. It’s a little girl! Oh oops, her planet is exploding like this planet they’re studying right now. Time to talk about the Prime Directive for ten minutes. I dunno why it’s even a problem here. “It’s against the prime directive to stop a planet from exploding”. No it’s not. Just don’t… let them know you’re there. Save some lives, leave. That’s it. I don’t know why this is an issue.

Data keeps fucking up though. He begs them to let him talk to the penpal and tell her they’re fixing her planet. He kidnaps her instead cause she’s scared. Oops. They then chemically remove her memories of the event, cause that’s a thing Starfleet can do, that’s not scary at all.

Overall I kinda didn’t like this episode. I like what it was TRYING to do but it just kinda didn’t resonate with me in a good way.

Q Who - TNG 9.5/10

IT BEGINS! It’s the START OF THE BORG!

The episode starts with a new ensign being a bit of a blabbermouth and accidentally spilling water all over Picard, who’s actor is trying really hard not to laugh. And then when he goes back to his room to change, OH SHIT IT’S Q!

It’s also the first time Guinan and Q are in the same episode! She’s…. sensing things are Off. First good signs that Guinan is Not What She Seems. I just love the idea of Guinan being an Ancient Powerful Alien Being… and all she wants to do is run a bar. That’s so good. And the PERFECT antithesis to Q.

Q wants to join the ship! They of course tell him to pound sand. He then gets grumpy and sends them hurdling 2 years travel away, right towards CUBE! DEFENDER OF THE POLYVERSE!

And after they raise shields, someone is teleported onto the bridge, and we see them for the first time…

The Borg are invincible to phaser fire, except when they’re not. Don’t worry about it. Apparently the original idea was insectoid, which makes sense for the hive-mind idea. But apparently that cost too much, so they just dug around in the junk drawer, but this worked out. I would have LOVED sexy insectoid mother fuckers but the metal junk with no aesthetic care style is perfect.

The borg carve into the saucer section like a roast, and rip a section off to study it. Killing 18 people, our highest body count in a WHILE.

They teleport in to try and learn more about the Borg. The sets, the style, it’s all PROFOUNDLY creepy. But super interesting! Tense, dark, sets things up in a great way. All of this because Picard is like “we want to be here, we want to explore and see all they can!” but he, and humanity, are out of their league against such an insurmountable… evil, tbh.

The writing in this episode is on fucking point, ESPECIALLY involving Q. He is at Max Power here.

Samaritan Snare - TNG 2/10

It’s THE PAKLED EPISODE! No one likes the Pakled. No one wants the Pakled. No one will EVER want the Pakled.

It doesn’t start great either. Picard needs to get a new heart. And he’s weirdly bothered by it. Apparently the idea he has to go into surgery bothers him so much that he can’t let ANYONE know about it. He and Wesley need to go in a shuttle. 6 hours alone with Jean-Luc Picard. Sounds kinda like hell. And then, as they begin their six hour voyage to the star base, the enterprise gets a distress call and ITS THE ONLY SHIP IN THE SECTOR, TAKE A DRINK!

So in Star Trek, the usual go-to for alien cultures is The Species Of Hats trope. The Klingons wear the Warrior Hat. The Vulcans wear the Logic Hat.

The Pakled wear the Mentally Handicapped Hat. You see why no one likes the Pakled.

They are really bad.

The B-plot with Picard and Wesley in the shuttle for six hours is WAY better than this shit, like oh my god.

They just mumble shit like “we are far from home” and “we look for things that make us go” and our future progressive protagonists, in a world where, according to Roddenberry, everyone is a good perfect great individual, immediately assume the worst about these people. And the worst part is they’re right. These people are terrible.

Geordi goes over to help. Troi says he’s in danger, the others are like “what? They’re idiots, what can they do?” anyway, they do things, and try to kidnap Geordi.

Okay I lied, the part with Wesley and Picard on the shuttle is also awkward because Wesley is so annoying, Picard is being pissy and trying to read, it is SO uncomfortable and I hate watching it. The only good part of this episode comes with some Picard backstory, about why he has his heart. But god, Picard and Wesley just have anti-charisma.

The episode tries to combat the idea of “race who is all mentally handicapped” by saying they’re just bad at talking. It doesn’t work. And they’re also really cruel and shitty. Which also really doesn’t help. In the end they trick the Pakled. It’s…. very unfortunate. It’s just all so unfortunate. I checked out pretty hard.

Also why is this the outfit for surgeons in the future? Why??? They’re dressed like they’re in a cult.

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Up The Long Ladder - TNG 7/10

In this episode, we have an A plot where the European Union made an Irish Amish colony, and now they’re sending out an SOS that hasn’t been used in centuries. In the B plot, Worf gets the Klingon equivalent of the chicken pox, and basically wants to commit sudoku on Polaski’s table. She lies to the captain to keep his honor and he feels in debt to her.

It’s a good setup!!

I love this tea ceremony they do, it’s very cute. Great signs of what Polaski could have been if she stuck around more.

Anyways they teleport the colony onto the ship, including all their animals. They are VERY Irish and very aggressive. but in a goofy kinda fun way?

Anyways, Riker is horny. What else is new? She yells at all the men to actually DO stuff and is a loud agressive lady and Riker is like “TOP SPOTTED, WILLY WANT FEMDOM” and just slides right into her DMs.

This is AFTER her dad tries to sell her to Picard as his wife.

There’s a funny scene where the leader of the Irish is like “hey can you get me some good alchohol” to Worf, and they synth up some whiskey. Not good enough for him. So he gets him a Klingon drink and it whips his ass harder than anything has ever whipped ass.

Turns out this is only ONE of the colonies. When the EU (which is called The European Hegemony, and was apparently founded in the 2100s, it’s really funny they imagined it happening a hundred years later) sent those colonies, the colony ship was half amish, and half super technology. And now they go to the Mariposa colony, which turns out to be entirely clones! Interesting setups!

The clones are like “we’re having a DNA problem here, can we clone you to keep society going please?” and Riker of all people is like “NO ME BEING CLONED WOULD BE AWFUL”. cough Thomas Riker cough. So then they’re like “okay no problem, please, come down to our planet so we can kidnap you, I mean so you can be cloned, I mean so you can fix our planet!” and the Enterprise crew is like “yeah that works out! :D”

Don’t worry, they murder the clones in cold blood. :)

“We have the right to choose what to do with our own bodies!” - Riker. WOW WHEN DID STAR TREK GET SO WOKE? Fun fact, the anti-abortion nutheads actually got angry at this line, and at them killing the newly born clones. Because of course they did.

Don’t worry we fix this problem by giving the science clones the Irish Amish, and… lol this is terrible there’s no way they’ll want to be together. Oh it worked out. They just need to become polyamorous. Very silly. In the end there was literally no reason for the girl and Riker to make out (which they did btw). In all, a kinda silly episode that feels… gratuitous lol. It’s perfectly fine though.

The original concept was supposed to be a commentary on immigration, and as a metaphor for the Aging Population problem immigration constrained societies suffer from. It didn’t work PERFECTLY but it wasn’t bad by any means.

Manhunt - TNG 8/10

TIME FOR THE TRASHIEST WOMAN IN SPACE!

But first, we get to meet the Antedians.

As Worf says, what a handsome race. Turns out that’s Mick Fleetwood of Fleetwood Mac. He was a huge fan of Star Trek, and wanted to be a guest star, but be COMPLETELY unrecognizable. Perfect. I respect that so much.

This episode is a better introduction to Lwaxana Troi than the other episode was. Y’know, that Jewish Mom and Catholic Mom Arguing For 30 Minutes episode. She’s still a trashy Jewish mom but like, y’know.

Also, we get to see the men in their dress uniforms a lot! Which of course, are dresses. The future is wonderful.

Lwaxana has her eyes on Picard, and wants in his pants SO HARD, so she invites him to a special dinner party, and makes it sound like, y’know, everyone is invited. Nope. It’s so hilarious. It’s just a horny milf trying her best to get some high ranking dick. And she’s so bad at it, oh my god. How has she been married so many times? She keeps going like “oh I know you’re thinking lewd thoughts of me~” when they are CLEARLY not.

Picard is like “I know who can pour cold water on this milf and save me. Let me invite Data to join us, that will unhorny her in no time.” And it works.

Also this is amazing

Troi: “Middle ages Betazoid women get really horny.”

Polaski: “Oh I saw the captain going to her quarters”

Troi: “…Should I warn him?”

Polaski: “No, I think he should get laid, it’s good exercise.”

To escape from The Horniest Milf In Space, Picard decides to hide in the Holodeck and play private eye. Oops, everyone wants to murder the private eye, it’s not very relaxing. But it is fun!

Here’s one of the gangsters who assaults Picard. He’s the same actor who plays Gowron. You can tell because NO ONE ELSE has an expression like this, and it’s Gowron’s default expression.

The entire episode is very low stakes. It’s literally just “There is a horny milf on the lose, all the available bachelors are trying to hide”. Shenanigans ensue.

Miss Troi decides she’s gonna marry Riker. Riker, in response, hides in the holodeck too. And Data joins because he likes to cosplay. LOOK AT THIS FUCKER.

He doesn’t even need to be here. The boys are hiding in the mancave playing videogames trying to escape the horny milf, and the one guy who doesn’t have to worry about this wants to come along too just cause he likes videogames. Anyway, she goes to the holodeck and gets horny for a simulation. It’s goofy. This entire episode is goofy and fun.

The Emissary - TNG 9/10

This episode starts with a Poker scene, which are always the best part of any Star Trek episode they’re in.

Turns out Worf is cracked at Poker. I love that.

Anyways, they pick up an emissary. Turns out it’s One Of The Hottest Women In The Galaxy, K’Ehleyr. She’s great, I love her. She’s our first half-klingon, and there’s a lot of stuff about people torn between two disparate cultures.

It’s a shame she has The Hornies for Worf, cause I’d love for her to rip me in half.

This should have been my back.

Anyways, a time capsule of Klingons from the war are about to wake up and Oops, They’ll Be Murdery, so she’s here to give them the expert opinion that they should just blow it the fuck up. Picard and Worf believe there are always other options, and it becomes a big hullabaloo.

They work it out in the only way Klingons know how, though. By fighting. God I wish K’Ehley came back more often, it’s great seeing a lady Klingon just Beat The Shit Out Of People.

Anyways they fuck. So there’s at least ONE canonical fucking in the holodeck. Worf immediately wants to marry her, and she’s like “uh no??? The sex was nice b u t I h a v e a l i f e ????” Apparently it’s a Klingon honorable tradition. And she’s pissed cause like, is it JUST a matter of honor to Worf? Is it MORE? Neither of them want to say it, due to pride, and worry. It’s some GOOD character moments, big fan.

As Worf was like “I have another plan, captain”. And I went “GOD I KNOW WHAT I’D DO, PLEASE LET THAT BE WHAT HE’S GONNA DO”

SURE ENOUGH.

Captain Worf and First Lieutenant K’Ehleyr has a good ring to it. And this outfit is amazing.

Loved this.

Peak Performance - TNG 10/10

The Wargames episode! The Enterprise is invited to a fighting simulation, and while Picard originally said no cause uh, they’re not the military and he doesn’t like fighting, well, the Borg exist. So let’s get better.

The person in charge of this exercise is a little alien gremline by the name of Kalrami. He’s a dickhead who’s a big Games Nerd. He’s basically that one guy who plays nothing but League of Legends and then mocks you for just playing for fun, or knowing anything, or knowing too much cause pff, he knows more than you. He’s so smug. It’s fun, fuck him. Riker challenges him to Strategema, a weird video game that looks amazing.

Riker plays him and gets his butt whooped. He does it mostly for the fun of it, cause y’know, games fun. This guy is smug all the time. Data doesn’t get it.

Riker gets to command a shitty old vessel in a desperate and impossible attempt to beat the Enterprise. He chooses his team, with Worf as his #2, Geordi, and Wesley as his commanding officers. It’s very cute, I love him picking his team. Especially Worf.

I love how shitty this thing is. I’m not as into spaceships as like, my partner in watching this series, Neligahn. She LOVES ships. But I love rustbuckets. I love wires and shitty terrible old tech. It’s gorgeous.

The B-plot involves Polaski, Data, and Kalrami playing that goofy game. Polaski wants to put Kalrami in his place, and she KNOWS Data is able to, so she ropes Data into beating his ass. Data doesn’t want to, but he feels compelled. See, this is better Polaski/Data characterization!! Data does end up losing, and it hurts his fee fees ): He’s worried since he lost, he can fuck up in ANYTHING now. Poor guy.

Wesley ends up cheating. Riker is like “WES THAT’S CHEATING HOW COULD YOU” and then gives this fucking expression

Fuck yeah, let’s cheat.

Polaski feels bad, and apologized, but Data still believes he’s damaged, and can’t help the captain. I feel bad for him. But yeah this Polaski Data characterization slaps. Troi and Polaski both try to help, which is nice. Troi is good in this episode! She’s actually been good recently, and I should acknowledge it.

Hey look it’s one of the best lines in the series!

Anyways, the battle begins. Worf makes a little hologram appear on their screen, a Romulan warbird, and BOOM Riker gets a few good hits in when they’re trying to run away.

Oops the Ferengi show up for real.

HEY LOOK IT’S MY BOY! It’s not TECHNICALLY Quark, but IT’S QUARK!! HE’S HERE! And he’s a BIT more Quark than the last time Armin Shimerman played a Ferengi.

Hey look, it’s another Dirty Pair reference!! Operation Lovely Angel! God I love this, this writer LOVES his Dirty Pair. I can’t blame him.

Anyway, back in the episode, they are unable to fight back cause they’re set up just for the simulation. They have to outplay them with guile and strategy, and it works out. The Most Annoying Gamer is very annoying during all this and then a big kiss ass.

At least Data Busted Him Up! :D Kolrami was playing to win, and Data was like “I decided to alter my strategy. My only goal was to not lose, to wear him down.”

DATA INVENTED FUNBRO.

I loved this episode, super fun. No flaws, enjoyable, great character moments, good action, super tense and fun all at once!

Shades of Gray - TNG 4/10

Ahhhhh. This episode. The Clip Show episode. THIS is the season finale. A clip show.

The shell plot of the clipshow is that Riker is infected by an alien parasite, and the only way to save him is to force his mind to relive painful memories. AKA, previous episodes. That’s it. That’s the episode.

The clipshow as a concept is just… why. It’s not BAD I guess, but it certainly isn’t as exciting as any other season finale concept that’s for damn sure. This is our final time ever seeing Polaski! A fucking clip show. She doesn’t get the chances for good character moments to show why we’ll miss her!

Despite all this, there ARE some fun character moments. Riker’s like “They’re waiting on me hand and foot, I hope they don’t realize I’m faking it!” as he’s dying.

“My grandfather once got bit my a rattlesnake! After THREE DAYS OF INTENSE PAIN… the snake died!”

I love Riker.

They had to do this episode cause Q Who and the Shakespeare episode cost them so much money so they needed to do a 3 day episode. Apparently they had a dude who’s job it was to go through the entirety of all the episodes they’d made so far and find good clips they could slot in. After spending 80 hours watching the entirety of the first two seasons of TNG a few times, he declared the episode should be called “Riker’s Brain”

They very nearly called it that and GOD I wish they had that woulda been FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Honestly the clips they choose are weird. We get Riker and Data’s first meeting, that first Ferengi episode, Riker saying goodbye to Troi, and him flirting with Guinan. Then it shows him being horny a lot, and it just keeps showing scenes from terrible episodes (The being horny makes things worse, which implies that the toxin makes you horny and then you die). What are the points of this?? I dunno. It’s a clip show. There’s no point in getting upset. It’s like getting upset at tofu. Just… the easiest skip.

It IS the only episode of TNG to show every character, though! And the only time Polaski and Crusher are shown together! Even Yar is shown! Neat.

At least we get to see them explode the fuck out of Remmick! :D

SEASON CONCLUSIONS

Season 2 was really good! Like, much less garbage than Season 1. Not to the higher standards of later seasons sure, I guess, but people keep saying “skip season 1 and 2”. NO! Skip a fair amount of season 1, yes, but almost all of this is worth watching!! :D

I’m excited for season 3, I’ve barely watched any of it tbh. Join us next week for the start of season 3!