LizstarTrek - DS9 Season 5

Every Sunday my Twitch subs and I watch Star Trek in my Discord. Here are my reviews and thoughts on each of the episodes as I see it. If you’re curious about a nerd’s views on Star Trek episodes, please read on, I go quite in depth with some of these episodes! I’ve watched some Star Trek before but not all of it!

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Apocalypse Rising - DS9 8.5/10

Aight we’re back from the cliff hanger at the end of season 4, and we’ve got the Federation at war with the Klingons! The federation is planning to send a strike force to infiltrate the Klingon Empire and prove that Gowron is a changeling. But who’ll get to go? Who the hell do you think?

Now Sisko has to go around and get his strike team together. First choice, Odo. He’s no longer a changeling, but he’s still good at his job. Too bad he’s fucking depressed and gotten into the Drink. Also, I didn’t really realize this last time, but this is the THIRD character who’s done the whole “I’m excommunicated” thing in this series. Four if you count Rom, but he doesn’t really give a shit.

They have a new super weapon to use to prove Gowron is a changeling. They’re four little spheres which give off radiation. With all four, they MIGHT destabilize a changeling. Maybe. But any more than that and it’ll kill someone, so they get one shot. But how do they even GET to the Klingon HQ? They have another secret weapon~

Plastic surgery, AND they convince Gul’Dukat to use his bird of prey to smuggle them in!! Dukat’s doin’ good work. Well, he’s still Dukat. But I still weirdly love him. They’re not very convincing Klingons. Well, Sisko actually is, he’s real good at this. But Odo is too anxious and depressed, and O’Brien is straight up a TERRIBLE Klingon. He just does not even LOOK the part.

There’s a bunch of fun scenes of them though, before a great tournament of some kind. Lots of fun Klingon stuff.

But as they’re about to use the emitters, Sisko is called up to receive his accommodations! It’s VERY tense. And all seems good, he’s not caught… until MARTOK recognizes him, and attacks from behind! Truly, a Klingon move. They’re thrown in jail, where Martok has a heart to heart with them… he’s pretty sure Gowron is a changeling, too. So he joins them. Killing a shit ton of Klingons along the way. Y’know, for the Empire.

We get a sick battle between Worf and Gowron, while Martok grumbles about “why are they fighting in ritual combat??? Just fucking SHOOT HIM”, which yeah, makes it obvious who the REAL Changeling is. Ain’t no Klingon EVER speak like that. But instead of like, doing the “No HE’S the Changeling, shoot him!” thing, he gives himself away. And uh…

They just start fucking BLASTING. That’s so funny. Gowron pieces it all together. The Founders gave Odo false information on purpose so that they would assassinate Gowron, and Martok would be put in control. Gowron agrees to put out a cease fire. Tensions are still high, but the war is paused. For NOW.

Good episode. I love Klingon bullshit~

The Ship - DS9 7/10

The ship? Which one? Bashir/Garak? Odo/Quark? Kira/Dax???? :3

Oh it’s a Jem’Hadar warship that crashes on a planet they’re surveying. Ah well.

They investigate the crashed warship, searching for survivors. It’s dark and spooky. No, no more Alien-inspired episodes, my heart can’t take another. Lots of Dutch Angles. Everyone on the ship is dead, their bones dust. Apparently their dampeners failed and when the ship accelerated, they pounded themselves into dust. They intend to take the ship back with them, it’d be great to study and learn more of the Jem’Hadar’s capabilities. But as they’re getting ready to leave, another ship comes and blasts their runabout away. RIP another runabout, and the cool Benzite lady at the helm. They hole themselves up in the ship, the only people left alive being the actual main characters, and a guy named Muniz. Muniz has a lot of death flags. He’s also very clearly hitting on O’Brien.

They’re contacted by the Vorta in command of the Jem’Hadar. She’s very friendly, EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY overly friendly. Sisko is like “salvage rights, this is our ship now, finders keepers”, and she’s like “That’s… really stupid?” But they sneak aboard the ship anyways in spite of the cease fire. Only one Jem’Hadar, and with a knife. Apparently they are afraid of actually doing any damage to the ship, and so are careful. Maybe something is… in the ship that’s so important?

The attack hurts Muniz even worse, and the Vorta comes crawling back like “oopsie we did a fucky wucky. Let us obtain our black box and we’ll leave okie? <3” and Sisko is like “I can’t trust you. Tell me what it is you want.” “I can’t trust you, so no”. And so, the negotiations end.

They’re laying on this shit with Muniz REAL thick. Also Worf is really unlikable about this. It really does feel like all his character development from TNG has just evaporated. But everyone is hot, sweaty, and surrounded by explosions, and it is a tense unhappy situation. At least Dax looks really hot with her hair like it is. And then Muniz dies.

They find out what it is the Vorta wanted. There was a founder on the ship. They didn’t trust that Sisko wouldn’t use it as a prisoner or something. And so it died. Just like Muniz, and those on the Runabout. And then the Jem’Hadar kill themselves for letting a founder die. Welp. This was all a waste of everyone’s time. No one is happy. Sisko DOES get what he wants. He gets the ship. But 5 deaths for it. And Sisko is very unhappy about it.

This episode has a lot of military hoo rah about the dead about it that I just do NOT like and do not get. Maybe I’m just cynical. But the episode itself is fine. Tense. Kinda depressing. Worf was still weird.

Looking for par’Mach in All the Wrong Places - DS9 9/10

This might be the best named episode of ALL Star Trek. Ever. Nothing is topping that title.

GRILKA IS BACK! Grilka is Quark’s ex-wife from one of my previous favorite episodes. As she enters the station, Dax is like “oh good, Klingons, the peace talks are going well”, and Worf is all “hummina hummina awooga” as his eyes pop out of his fucking skull. Then they get a long talk from Bashir. Wait, no, he gets grumpy when he finds out his perfect tradwife that he decided she is married a Ferengi once. This is gonna be another “Worf is very traditional and that’s stupid” episode, oh boy!

Also there’s a side story about Bashir reacting to Keiko, O’Brien, and Kira being in a tricule and being weird about it.

Grilka’s house is falling on hard times, because of the war. Quark offers generously to look at her records, and hey, if he’s offering so forcefully, she HAS to show him the records!! Quark is suddenly interested in her again, cause I mean, she is hot. And they “have something”. But mostly for the sex. Meanwhile, Worf also pursues her (there is a VERY funny scene where to show off he throws Morn out of his seat, after apologizing quietly to him), but is pushed away because he is a traitor, etc etc. But he gives some advice to Quark on how to date a Klingon, because he was told he doesn’t know anytihng about dating Klingon women, and he took it personally.

The polyamory is going well. But they’re too poisoned by the anti-polyamory culture.

Quark and Grilka’s date goes well actually, thanks to the suggestions by Worf. And now Worf is invested in making sure their dates go PERFECTLY. It’s a very Cyrano de Bergerac story. But it all falls to shit once Grilka’s head guard gets annoyed at the romance and challenges Quark to the death. And unlike last time, it’s PROLLY not gonna go well for him.

There’s a scene where Odo is weird about their polycule. Ugh. Like yeah obviously this isn’t what they’re going for. They’re GOING for “O’Brien and Kira are feeling attracted to each other and it’s weird because monogamy is the only thing that matters.”

They use some tech to let Worf puppet Quark around. Wild. Worf is pushing himself a lot for this, which Dax comments on. She’s like “You just want a statue. That’s what your trad wife is. You should go out with someone wild. You’d be surprised what I can do with size 18 boots ;D” UH I’D LIKE TO LEARN MORE, DAX. Anyways the strategy goes well until the thing fucking breaks from Worf being too shnasty. So Quark has to bullshit. He needs to make up a fucking fake Ferengi custom to stay alive. It is very funny. Not only is Quark out Klingon-ing a Klingon again, but he’s also out-ferengi-ing him. Anyways, they fix it and Quark/Worf wins the fight. Worf then forces that he give over the Batleth instead of killing the guy, which retains his armor. They then fuck, and Quark is horribly, horribly injured.

Worf complains through it all. What DOES she see in that parasite? But Dax is like “You’ve been an idiot this entire time, what do YOU see in here?” “Well he’d be BLIND not to see the opportunity in front of him!” Welp. Worf is fucking blind. Dax has been trying for a SEASON to give hints. She’s done giving hints.

Also O’Brien and Kira ALMOST make out but decide that’d be stupid and don’t. The end.

Goofy episode. Very fun. Amazing name.

Nor the Battle to the Strong - DS9 10/10

Jake has been working on some writing for a project, and went with Bashir to a doctor conference. It was boring as shit. Bashir is very likeable when he’s info dumping about things he likes. God he’s so much better now, it’s stunning. You take lizard dick ONCE and you improve everything about you. Anyways Jake is bored out of his fucking mind and convinces Bashir to go to a planet under attack, and help the injured. He’s excited, he gets to cover a WAR! OH BOY :D

That changes FAST. He is… disgusted and IMMEDIATELY depressed. He’s suddenly in a M.A.S.H episode and it is not pleasant. He’s also conscripted into helping as a nurse, kind of adopted by a doctor working there, Kirby. Jake does NOT fit in here. After helping and seeing all the injuries, he vomits the first time he has to cut into his meat for food. The others are like “ah, first time.”

The ship that was coming to help is blown up, so now they’ve got no one to relieve them. The war is getting closer and more dangerous. Sisko and the others go to help, but they won’t be there for days. Jake and Bashir leave the safety of the tunnels to go try and get to the roundabout, to get a generator, or else all the wounded will die. But as they go, they’re attacked by mortar fire. When Bashir is wounded, Jake gets terrified and runs.

He finds a bunch of dead Klingons, and a wounded soldier. The wounded soldier basically chastises him for running away from Bashir, before dying violently. It’s all EXTREMELY dark and fucked up. No episode of Trek has EVER been like this before. This sets a new precident. The doors are open. There’s been WARS obviously, battles, but it’s pretty much always been one on one fist battles, some guns, or space battles. This is GRUESOME. Eventually, Jake makes it back to the compound. He learns that Bashir survived, but was injured, and yet STILL carried the generator back by himself. Bashir APOLOGIZES to Jake, which like, damn, twist that knife. Jake is NOT taking this well. He’s a coward and he fucking hates himself for it.

There’s also stuff with a guy who shot himself to get sent back to the doctors, so he’d be out of the fighting. Jake sees himself in this guy, of course. Also I want to say, this is very, VERY M.A.S.H. I think. I’ve never seen it, just clips. But it feels a lot like it. Jake is MISERABLE, and others are noticing it too. Bashir offers to listen, but Jake just… can’t. So he leaves it open, and lets Jake cry to himself.

The Klingons attack the hospital. Jake is seperated from the others, and wildly fires a phaser in fear, causing a cave-in. He survives, but the cave-in allowed the others to escape. He’s a hero. And Jake writes a chilling story about it.

“More than anything, I wanted to believe what he was saying. But the truth is, I was just as scared in the hospital as I’d been when we went for the generator. So scared that all I could think about was doing whatever it took to stay alive. Once that meant running away and once it meant picking up a phaser. The Battle of Ajilon Prime will probably be remembered as a pointless skirmish but I’ll always remember it as something more, as a place I learned that the line between courage and cowardice is a lot thinner than most people believe.”

This episode is REALLY good. War sure is fucked, huh?

The Assignment - DS9 9/10

TIME FOR AN O’BRIEN EPISODE! And what’s the only kind of episode O’Brien ever gets??? That’s right! O’BRIEN MUST SUFFER :D

Molly is coming back from a trip to the Bajoran Fire Caves! O’Brien killed her plants, but she’s weirdly okay with it. She explains why, very non-chalantly. She’s not Keiko. She’s taken possession of her body, and unless O’Brien does everything she tells him to do, she’ll kill Keiko. O’Brien is like “wtf? This is some REALLY kinky roleplay” until she demonstrates that she can kill Keiko whenever she wants.

Keiko’s actress is EXTREMELY good at being evil btw.

Meanwhile, Rom is happy with his job as night shift engineer! He just wishes O’Brien senpai would notice his hard work! I’m sure this will end well~ He’s very optimistic and a sweetie pie. Poor guy.

O’Brien has to pretend like nothing bad is happening. He’s very, very bad at it. They’re throwing a party for him for his birthday, and he has to be a jolly happy birthday boy the entire time. Oh well. He’s trying to find SOME WAY to knock her out, and is unable to. So he just has to do what she wants. And what DOES she want? Oh, just some edits to the communication array, no big deal~

They should let Keiko’s actress flex more often.

There’s some talk about… “Pah-Wraiths”, who are apparently in the fire-caves. What are those? Well, O’Brien can’t really look into it yet, but he has some thoughts. Before he can really look into it, or talk to anyone, she throws herself off a balcony by “accident”. No more tests. If he fucks up one more time, she’s dead. The array edits were a test. Now she needs him to do something…. else.

He needs help. Thankfully, Rom is REALLY good at his job, and fast. You’re implicating POOR ROM in this???? He tells Rom that it’s TOP SECRET, NO ONE can know. (Amazing lines: “No one will get anything from me! Not even my name!” “Rom. Everyone on the station knows your name.”) But then Dax discovers there’s some kind of sabotage. Some systems are weirdly off spec. So now they need to find the saboteur!! All of us in chat were yelling at O’Brien over and over, “DON’T. DON’T DO IT. DON’T YOU DO IT. DO NOT IMPLICATE ROM.” All the while he’s getting told he has to hurry or Molly is dead. So of course, he betrays Rom. My heart is breaking. But this also has O’Brien talk to him, and we find out what’s going on. Rom’s like “Hey why are we turning the station into a beam projector to kill the aliens in the Wormhole anyway?” ROM IS A FUCKING GENIUS. NOT EVEN O’BRIEN FIGURED THAT OUT FROM JUST LOOKING AT THE SPECS. He also knows all about the pah-wraiths. His girlfriend IS Bajoran.

So here’s the skinny: The Pah-Wraiths were false prophets who used to live in the celestial temple. They can never return, or the true prophets will kill them. Demons, basically. O’brien doesn’t actually care about any of this. He just wants his wife to survive. So he goes through with it, tells her he knows what the deal is, and doesn’t give a damn. So he leads her on a runabout to the wormhole. But then, instead, BOOM, THE BEAM HITS THE RUNABOUT INSTEAD.

The Pah-Wraith is fried! O’Brien has a LOT of explaining to do, but all’s well. AND Rom gets promoted! And his coworkers are actually TALKING to him on the day shift! Good for him~

This episode could have been very bad. It was set up well but it could have been a HUGE failure, or handle it well. It was handled well. Also, Rom. I keep putting Rom in B tier in all my after season tier lists. I’ve GOT to fix that.

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Trials and Tribbulations - DS9 10/10

Our episode starts with the Temporal Investigations unit coming to visit. They are ornery grumpy guys, and this is their first time here! They’re very funny in how sarcastic they are. “This isn’t a predestination paradox thing is it, right? We hate those.” “That’s not a joke, is it? We also hate those.” Anyways, they’re here to grill Sisko for something that went down. So we have our framing story, which is interesting, Trek doesn’t usually do those. It works here.

The story begins when they pick up an orb from Cardassia, what they’d LEARN is the Time Orb. They also pick up some weedy racist dickhead who needs to be transported back to the Federation, an annoying merchant who got stuck during the invasion. As they’re traveling long, suddenly they drop out of warp, far from their position, as they get major chroniton readings. And then, BAM…. there’s the Enterprise. “Which one in particular?” “The first.” “HIS. That man was a menace for temporal investigations.”

Turns out this weedy asshole is actually a Klingon spy. Well, he WAS. He’s the Klingon spy from The Trouble with Tribbles episode, who has lived his life pretendign to be a Human after being exiled by the Klingons. Now he’s here to try and fix his life. We’ve gotta stop him! NO ONE’S ALLOWED TO FIX THEIR LIFE, HERE!

It’s time to pretend to be a part of the time period! Lots of fun jokes about the TOS era here. And of course, all the sets are TOS-ified. We’ve come a long way from the era of “We can’t even mention that Spock exists.”

This episode is such a fucking AMAZING concept for an episode. It’s the old episode, with our characters greenscreened into the background, basically. All while we make really funny jokes about TOS. Really, REALLY funny. We are giggling CONSTANTLY during this episode. I don’t wanna spoil some of these, this is one worth watching. Also, Sisko is the ONLY one here who’s good at this. Bashir thinks he needs to fuck his great grandmother. Dax wants to flirt with Spock, AND Koloth.

We also learn why the Klingons looked the way they looked in TOS. Kind of. You’d think they’d just, have it be a retcon and not even bother with it. But no, there IS a reason. But we do not discuss it with outsiders.

Parts of this episode, like this, are weirdly impressive to me.

Anyways, they find the weedy bastard, and find out his plan. He put a bomb in a tribble. How he did that while the tribble hated his guts is beyond me. They try to find the bomb but the tribbles are fucking so fast, it’s pretty difficult. Also, turns out that Bones fingered Dax when she was in a previous host. Good for her!

They gotta sneak around to find this Bomb Tribble. I’m STUNNED they pull this off. I’m stunned no one stops them and goes “what the fuck are you doing here???”

And in the end, turns out Sisko isn’t as immune to this as he seems to be. He did, in fact, meet Kirk, and tell him what an honor it is to work with him. No one blames Sisko for this. They’d have done the same. And the episode ends with the realization they they did maaaaybe bring a thing or two back from the past: some Tribbles, which are now fucking up Quark’s bar.

Absolutely fantastic alltimer. I was smiling the entire time. It’s just Fun.

Let He Who is Without Sin… - DS9 1/10

Dax and Worf are going to Risa on vacation! It’ll be lovely! Their new relationship is straining. Worf is…. Worf, and Dax is Dax. I’m stunned this relationship has EVER worked. Worf is angy that she’s talking to everyone about their personal life. Also, unrelated, but Odo is really opening up to others now that he’s squishy, it’s great!

It gets worse when Bashir and his beard Leeta invite themselves. And then Quark invites HIMSELF along too.

At least we get this hilarious out of context thing.

Dax is the sexiest thing in the world and I am literally feral. I’m not showing all of it, but trust me. My eyes are popping out of my skull and I am going awooga.

….Anyways Worf gets introduced to a leader of a political movement, the New Essentialist Movement. He’s here because he wants to bring the Federation back to its Ethical Roots. This pleasure planet where people have fun and fuck and don’t hurt ANYONE with all their fucking is DISGUSTING, and needs to be purged. Plus all these IMMIGRANTS?? Worf thinks they have good points. He’s grumpy that people get to have fun and do what they want. He’s grumpy that Leeta and Bashir appear to be sleeping around, even though he keeps staring at Leeta, because of how hot she is.

This… has a possibility to be something okay. Like obviously, it’s too heavy handed. And the description of the episode is “These five go on a trip to Risa to relax! Meanwhile, Worf gets sucked into a far right terrorist organization!” which is fucking RIDICULOUS and VERY goofy. Like, even if it ends perfectly, and I agree with it going “far right terrorists bad, there’s nothing wrong with promiscuous fucking”, I’d be like “Yeah I agree but this is a little…. cringy”.

But I don’t expect it to end that way. I expect it to end like “Both sides have a point! Sure, being a fascist far right terrorist isn’t good, but polyamory is bad too!”

I kind of hate DS9 Worf so far. The best way to describe him in DS9 is “the cast’s rightwing republican, when they need it”. He was always a traditionalist in TNG, sure, but they never tackled these subjects quite as much, and even when they did, they didn’t lump Worf in and make him agree with literal terrorism. But here? He’s anti union. He’s anti polyamory. He’s anti women being allowed to do what they want. LITERALLY. He LITERALLY wants to control Dax because she’s his woman, his MATE, and she’s like “That’s not fucking happening dude”

Also, Leeta and Bashir break up. They’re doing a Rite of Seperation, a Bajoran thing where when partners break up, they celebrate for three days. Bashir is really positive and good about ALL of it! Until Leeta says she’s been thinking about another guy. He’s been find sleeping around until now but THIS is where he gets jealous? You were SO CLOSE to being perfect, Bashir.

Anyways, Worf sees Dax with a woman that she once had sex with, so he decides to become a terrorist. That is literally what happens. I’m not making ANY OF THAT UP. HE BECOMES AN ECO TERRORIST BECAUSE OF THIS. WHAT THE SHIT ARE THEY DOING TO WORF?! “If citizens cannot handle a little bad weather, how can they handle a dominion invasion?” You fucking shithead.

This is maybe the most fitting image ever.

Worf gives a sob story. Singing killed his grandma. Wait, no. When he was a kid he killed another boy during soccer practice. He learned humans, and non-klingons, are fragile. So now he’s afraid of hurting others, so he’s cautious around them, reserved. He finds it difficult to even communicate his issues, in case he’ll break others. Which is WHY HE RESORTED TO MOTHER FUCKING TERRORISM.

Worf only decides Terrorism is Bad when they go too far. Sure, eco terrorism is one thing, but causing EARTHQUAKES that might destroy property???? (ON A FUCKING FEDERATION MEMBER’S PLANET, MIND) Sure he agrees that we need to go back to “traditional federation values”, but “one of those values is trust”. A literal quote. This is insulting. And enraging. Also WHAT ARE TRADITIONAL FEDERATION VALUES? COLD WAR WITH ROMULANS? NO ONE’S ALLOWED TO EVER HAVE FUN? But ha ha, it’s all good! Worf is actually a good guy after all, they’re on the beach and it’s all okay!! Worf NEVER gets a comeuppance for any of this, and it’s all water under the bridge!

WHY IS DAX STILL DATING THIS GUY? WHY IS DAX STILL DATING THIS GUY? WHY IS DAX STILL DATING THIS GUY? WHY IS DAX STILL DATING THIS GUY?

This episode alone dooms their relationship in my eyes. I will never take it seriously. These two should NOT be together.

Things past - DS9 9/10

Our episode starts with Garak, Sisko, Odo, and Dax coming back from Bajor after a historical conference about the occupation. Garak is mad cause they don’t accept there were good people on both sides. Shut up Garak. But everyone LOVED Odo! He was a hero who did his best to keep law and order in a place like that. Anyways they make it back, but are passed out, but some weird energy is in their minds. Turns out they see themselves back in the past, on Terok Nor, during the occupation. And the people there seem to see them as Bajoran. Meanwhile, Odo is NOT handling this well. He’s also seeing people where they don’t appear to be…

Garak gets punched in the past, and in the present, on medical beds, he gets a nose bleed. Their bodies are connected. Garak stole a thing from the guard when punched him though, and he uses it to identity themselves…. But Odo already knows. But before he can explain, they’re pulled to work at Quark’s bar.

Meanwhile, Dax is captured and dragged to Gul Dukat, who explains he’s a very lonely boy and wants a… “friend”. Dax is understandably creeped out about becoming Gul Dukat’s Pleasure Puppy.

There’s blood on Odo’s hands.

Odo explains who they are. They were three innocent men accused of attempting to assassinate Gul Dukat. Dukat had them executed, to set an example, even knowing they did nothing. And sure enough, they play into fate’s hand, and are captured after an attempted bombing on Dukat. The constable on the station, Odo’s predecessor, Thrax, is here, instead of Odo, who’s SUPPOSED to be here at this time. Odo argues with Thrax, who is curt and refuses to even try to do an investigation. Odo is VERY shaken up about all of this. I see what it’s doing here.

As Dax breaks them out of jail, they’re attacked by Thrax and his guards. Thrax morphs away. He’s a changeling!! But they’re caught and thrown back in jail. Odo goes to argue with Thrax…

He gives a GOOD speech to Thrax, and even admits he’s from the future. Thrax is like “Oh I know. But I’ll keep doing what I need to do. What are YOU going to do, Odo?”

It was him all along. It was ALWAYS him. He charged those men with a crime they didn’t commit. And Odo has been DESTROYING himself about it. He was too busy with “maintaining order and the rule of law”. But he won’t let it happen again. This breaks them out of it.

The reasoning is some changeling Great Link mumbo jumbo that doesn’t matter. The episode ends with Odo and Kira having a heart to heart. Kira can BARELY forgive him, but she demands to know if that was the only time innocent men died on his watch. He doesn’t know. He hopes so.

Episode ends. Holy SHIT that was so fucking heavy. Amazing.

The Ascent - DS9 8/10

NOG IS COMING HOME! :D He and Jake are moving in together. They were roommates! Rom is wonderful and sweet and excited to see his son. Odo comes over to arrrest Quark, for… SOMETHING. Quark seems genuinely puzzles because this time he ACTUALLY didn’t do anything. Odo and him are going on a long journey to a Federation Grand Jury…

On the way to the station, Quark offers to teach Odo Fizzbin. Fizzbin is REAL?!?! Also it turns out Odo likes reading romantic smut. I bet it’s yuri.

Nog gets back. He’s changed. He’s got that Cadet Mindset now. It rubs up against Jake. Aww, that’s sad. But yeah. Some people are not meant to be roommates. It’s especially wild though that Jake can mess up the room THAT BADLY in 9 hours though. Did he plant a bomb in his room???

Anyways, so a bomb has been planted on the ship Quark and Odo are on. They try to teleport it out, and it fucking explodes anyway, damaging the runabout. They can BARELY make it to an L-Class planet, which is BARELY habitable. And now they need to get to the top of a mountain so that the SOS transmitter can get through the atmosphere. So it’s a hiking episode on a frozen planet while these two hate each other and whine and insult. It’s great. It gets worse and worse as this goes on for DAYS, with no food, and nonstop hiking.

Keep in mind that I ship these two unironically. I am a broken woman.

I MUCH prefer Odo and Quark to the Jake and Nog part of the episode. But to give it a point, it has a really nice scene where the two dads bond. It’s nice to see Sisko and Nog interact. Sisko doesn’t interract with the more minor characters. Captains don’t very often. But Sisko is different. It’s very good.

Not as good as this though.

Odo injures himself in a fight with Quark, and Quark hikes up, carrying the transmitter, AND Odo, at the same fucking time. On no food. On little sleep. In the cold. It’s EXCRUCIATING. It’s painful to watch these two suffer like this. The changes in both of their makeup is EXTREMELY interesting.

Eventually, Quark goes up alone, without Odo. He ALMOST gives up…. but he pushes through, and they’re saved.

They made it. And they still fucking hate each other.

Rapture - DS9 4/10

They get an ancient painting of a lost city from Bajor’s history. It’s hinted it might have a hint to the lost city’s whereabouts. Sisko is super interested, and figures out the secret. It’s kinda stupid that no one figured this out before, for some god damn reason.

While figuring it out in a holosuite, it explodes and injures him. He’s fine, but he’ll take a few days off. More time to study his puzzle! He’s also getting… visions. Seeing shapes where they shouldn’t be. While working on it, he gets some good news! Bajor is joining the Federation!!!

I can’t wait to see how this is going to be ruined.

Hey look, it’s the way this is going to be ruined! SPACE’S WORST POPE IS BACK, and wow, she doesn’t like the idea of them joining the federation, what a SHOCK!

Sisko’s girlfriend, Yates, comes back from jail, and is IMMEDIATELY dragged to Bajor to search for the ancient city. They teleport down into some caves underneath Bajor, and boom, he finds it!

There’s a scene with Winn talking to Kira, like “Hey, him finding this clearly means he’s the Emissary, do you think he’ll forgive me? For like, not believing in him? And the bombings and assassination attempts?” and Kira is like “I’m proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to admit when you’re wrong.” and Winn is like “How fucking dare you, you slut. You resistance fighters are all the fucking same” and Kira’s like “what the fuck????”

I’m only slightly exaggerating.

An admiral is here, and he’s not happy that the Bajorans treat him like he’s the Emissary. Especially since he’s seeing these visions. He can’t trust him. But Sisko is really weirdly defensive about these visions. He’s going to possibly die, and fixing it would stop the visions, so he’s like “Nope, can’t get rid of these visions”. This is WEIRDLY out of character for Sisko. He’s always been very anti-Emissary, but goes along with it out of cultural respect. But as soon as he gets some kind of fucking minor super power, and he’s like “YEP IT’S ME I’M THE EMISSARY”, and does a fucking Jesus walk down the god damn path, giving prophecies to those who pass. Not a fan, and it’s a little creepy.

And all the Bajorans are like “Y’all are being insensitive. They’re leading him on this path for a reason. They’ll keep him safe.”

Anyways he storms in, stark raving mad, declaring that Bajor will be destroyed if it joins the Federation. It HAS to stand alone. And then he has a seizure. And now, he will die without the operation. He demanded not to have the operation, but it’s his closest relative’s call. And Jake makes the decision for the surgery to go ahead.

Sisko is upset they took away the visions, crying out. Again, weirdly out of character. He fully accepts himself as the Emissary. It’s a weird turn I’m not 100% into. Like yeah him coming to terms with it is an important part of his character and character development, but he jumps REALLY gung ho into it.

---

The Darkness and the Light - DS9 10/10

Our episode starts with some monks praying for “attonement”. As they pray, the fire they’re around begins glowing and fucking shoots one of them with a laser. We find out he was a member of Kira’s resistance cell. He was a dude who had a lot of enemies, so it’s not very surprising, just kinda sad, cause he had found Space Jesus and all. But then Kira returns to her room, and gets a message… “THAT’S ONE.” Ruh roh.

Also there’s a side plot scene for Kira’s pregnancy where Bashir is making her take herbs to increase her progesterone. Just give the woman pills, Bashir. She doesn’t want to take the herbs, it keeps her up and sedatives don’t work, they counteract the sedatives.

Kira is annoyed because she wants to find out who’s hunting her friend, but she’s better safe on the station cause they may want HER as well. Also she’s, y’know, pregnant as fuck.

They go to try and rescue a friend of Kira’s who’s fearing for her life. Worf and Dax are sassing each other as they teleport her up, aaand then a teleporter accident happens. It’s been a while.

Pretty horrifying. This entire thing is actually REALLY tense, in a good way. This is clearly from someone who knows security front and back, and can get around it. And all the scary messages they’re getting… it’s GOOD.

They get a message for another death, and then two more people show up… two members of the cell who beamed into Kira’s room to check on her. They’re clearly skilled, and want her safe. At the same time, they’re studying the messages. It’s not some AI voice, it’s a recording they’re editing… it’s Kira’s voice. That’s HORRIFYING. And then there’s an explosion in O’Brien’s quarters, and this pregnant woman beats up THREE GUARDS to get to her quarters. O’Brien is alive, of course, but her two friends are gone.

Odo is doing a study and has some names that are POSSIBLY the culprit. But he’s not gonna tell Kira, because he doesn’t want her charging off to find people. She agrees, that’d be stupid, but she WOULD do it. Anyways she then sneaks into his HQ, steals the list, and proceeds to hunt down some people. She crosses a few off the list, satisfied they couldn’t do anything, and goes after this guy, Silarin Prim, who lives near the DMZ.

She’s caught by this guy, who’s rambling nonsense. He was a servant who cleaned uniforms for a Gul. And he’s fucking NUTS. He’s like “YOU KILLED PEOPLE YOU’RE A MURDERER I’M BRINGING JUSTICE”. The R word is used by Kira. It’s effective here. He doesn’t want to kill the baby though, so he’s going to fucking C-SECTION HER, WHILE SHE’S AWAKE. She’s like “Good lord, man, at least give me a sedative!” BUT THEN BOOM. CHEKHOV’S PROGESTERONE.

REALLY good episode. Amazing badass pregnant woman, clever, saved herself, holy fuck,.

The Begotten - DS9 8/10

Odo is complaining about his back cause he doesn’t know how to be a solid. God, mood. Anyways Quark comes around and offers a thing that he bought from a trader he thinks Odo might like. A dead Changeling in a bottle~ It’s not dead though, it’s just sick, and it’s a baby! They suggest bringing in the scientist who studied Odo, but Odo refuses to do that cause like, y’know, he was a REALLY shitty dad. Odo tries to be a good dad, talking to it, treating it well. The actor is doing a great job, considering how this is the “rene auberjonois talks to his beer glass a lot” episode.

Meanwhile, our B plot is Kira is in labor. Wow, an A and B plot that fit together thematically? No way.

Odo’s dad shows up anyway, ready to help. Odo wants him to fuck off. Odo’s dad is disappointed Odo hasn’t gotten over the way his dad dehumanized him and performed awful tests on him. Literal words, “disappointed”.

Odo tries to teach a jar of honey what a pyramid is.

Unfortunately, Starfleet is breathing down their necks, and if they don’t get results, they’ll take the baby away. Odo’s Dad is like “NOW YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH WITH THE CARDASSIANS >:(“. He’s not very likeable lmao. He eventually begrudgingly admits that Odo is kind of right, when they start doing both their methods together, and it gets fast results. “Okay fine, I guess treating others like sentient beings and not electrocuting them over every little thing is an OKAY method”. Anyways they bond over it, wghich is annoying, cause he’s annoying lol

O’Brien and Kira’s boyfriend have a dick waving contest. Shakkar is really weird and annoying, cause heteronormative jealousy. He’s fine with KEIKO looking up Kira’s vagina, but Miles? Noooo. Anyways Miles him off and they’re both kicked out. Shakkar is like “Next time you’re having a kid, leave my girlfriend out of it >:(“. DUDE THIS WAS TO SAVE THE BABY. GREAT JOB MAKING IT ABOUT YOURSELF.

The baby is born. Somewhere, Worf shudders in fear.

Unfortunately, the Status Quo must reign supreme. The baby gets sick again, and Odo cradles the ball of black goo in his hands. His poor, dying baby…

BUT NOT TOO SUPREME, BITCH. The changeling integrates itself into Odo, turning him back into a Changeling, as a gift for treating it so well. Odo then says goodbye to his dad in a heartfelt moment, and then he and Kira bond over being parents but not being able to truly be parents.

Anyways, it was cute. Lots of good moments too. Odo talking to his beverage. Him being SO INTO teaching this goop geometry.

The Begotten - DS9 3.5/10

EDDINGTON IS BACK! Our boy! Our MAN! Eddington is a huge meme in our watch group, because he’s such a nothing character who suddenly and ruthlessly became EXTREMELY annoying and unlikable. And he is here. Sisko sneaks into the Maquis to find an informant (you’d think they’d send someone else, everyone knows who the fuck Sisko is), and is caught by Eddington. When Sisko asks if his friend is dead, Eddington is like “Oh come on, you should know by now. We’re not KILLERS. We just marooned him on an extremely dangerous planet where he’ll suffer in agony and die a slow painful death.”

THIS IS NOT EVEN A JOKE. It’s trying to do a both sides thing, still, with the Maquis. Oh they’re just innocents forced into this! Sisko ain’t having it. And neither are we. I hate this. I hate Eddington. He’s the worst. His actor is also playing him like “I’M A BADASS REBEL FIGHTER”, smirk smirk, snark snark. And then he, in his shitty rebel ship with his underfunded scavenged tech and weapons, single handily hacks the Defiant, which has all of the Federation’s best and brightest on it to keep this from happening. But they’re no match for MICHAEL EDDINGTON, THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE GALAXY.

I hate this guy, he feels like someone’s self insert. Meanwhile, Sisko is EXTREMELY angry and determined to do this. This is his white whale. He HAS to take Eddington in. It’s annoying to watch. He’s then taken off the case cause apparently he’s been focused on this for NINE MONTHS and done nothing, while Eddington flies circles around him laughing because Eddington is God.

Also they installed Holocommunicators so that it feels more futuristic. Okay, sure. It does mean we get to see Eddington act all smug on the Defiant’s bridge, instead of seeing a screen of him.

JESUS FUCK.

“WE’RE NOT MURDERERS,” EDDINGTON SAYS, AS HE LAUNCHES A CHEMICAL BOMB AGAINST A PLANET THAT WILL KILL ALL THE CARDASSIANS ON IT. FUCKING CHRIST ON THE CROSS. Anyways, Eddington is going to do literal god damn war crimes, and they’re the only ship in range. Take a fucking drink. The Defiant isn’t up to 100%, but its GOTTA go better this time, right? They have a new weapon this time, though…. NOG IS HERE! Nog is here basically to help relay Sisko’s commands, cause he’s so good at hearing things. It’s cute.

Eddington does more snarking. “Here, I got you a book <3 It’s called Les Misérables.” “…Thank you, I’ve already read it.” “Really? You should read it again”. God he’s insufferable. “There’s a character in it called Javert who chases a man for 20 years because all he did was steal a loaf of bread…” MOTHER FUCKER THINKS HE’S JEAN VALJEAN. MY MAN, YOU’RE ABOUT TO DO A WARCRIME AND KILL MILLIONS OF CARDASSIANS.

I’m starting to think even the writers don’t like Eddington.

Anyways, that commentary I had earlier about how Eddington is played as if he’s a swash buckling hero? Uh, yeah. That’s intentional. And Sisko is like “He thinks he’s the hero, and I’m the villain. Time to play the villain.” So he starts bombing civilians, and making their planets incapable of handling Human life for years. Yep. That’s pretty dark and uh, fucked up, Sisko.

Technically the two planets that were chemically charged to kill Cardassians and Humans were swapped of their civilians, and everything worked out fine and great, cause they easily just swapped to a different colony. Which just proves the Marquis STILL DO NOT ACTUALLY HAVE ANY REASON OR STAKE FOR DOING THE THINGS THEY’RE DOING. But this time it’s different! Their hand was forced by an outside hand- ohhhh.

Anyways I didn’t like it. It felt like pro-hiroshima energy. Episode was well acted and had some good energy but I HATED all of the actual text and subtext of it.

In Purgatory’s Shadow - DS9 9/10

DS9 finds some hints of Cardassians being in the Gamma Quadrant, some weird code. They try and get Garrak to decode it, but it’s nothing important. Anyways for NO REASON AT ALL, Garrak tries to sneak out of DS9, taking a runabout. Bashir is way ahead of him though, and sees through his ploy. He knows his boyfriend better than anyone~

The code was ACTUALLY a call for help from Tain, Garrak’s old boss and mentor! Garrak is gonna go alone, and needs Bashir to be quiet. Or even go with him! Bashir is like “Oh sure I’ll just break starfleet regulations and lie to me superior officers.”

Sisko breaks Starfleet regulations to do warcrimes: I sleep.

Bashir breaks Starfleet regulations to go on a date with his boyfriend: REAL SHIT

Anyways, Bashir isn’t actually gonna go. Instead, they’re sending Worf. I like Dax’s reaction. “I don’t know what’s worse. That you’re going on a secret mission to the Gamma Quadrant, or that I LEARNED OF IT FROM SISKO?!” Oh Worf. I’d say never change, but please change.

Also they’re doing a lot of work to try and get Garrak shipped with Gul Dukat’s daughter. Dukat almost fucking murders Garrak over this.

Garrak is all “I wanna join Starfleet!” and asks Worf to sponsor him. He’s just doing it to fuck with Worf. And to practice lying. It is VERY funny.

Anyways they are caught and captured, and sent to an internment camp, but not before finding out that the Dominion might be sending an invasion fleet. Uh oh. Things are gearing up. They find out that MAYBE they can close the wormhole without harming the prophets. They’re their only hope. That, or Bajor falls like, immediately.

Back on the internment camp, we meet who’s there. MARTOK! GENERAL MARTOK IS HERE, the REAL one! Tain is also here, as grumpy and assholish as ever. And then a surprise. A big surprise…

I literally yelled. How long? HOW LONG?! THEY NEVER SAY. DID A FUCKING CHANGELING DELIVER KIRA’S BABY? DID A FUCKING CHANGELING WATCH A BABY CHANGELING DIE AND NOT SAVE IT?!?!?! What a GOOD twist. He’s even in the old uniform… IT’S BEEN A LONG, LONG TIME.

And as Tain lies dying of heart failure (turns out living in an internment camp is bad for your health), we learn he was Garrak’s father all along. This episode is VERY twisty!

Attempts to close the wormhole fail…. someone sabotaged the array. Time for an ol’ How Gettem! And then, the invasion comes….

TO BE CONTINUED….

By Inferno’s Light - DS9 10/10

…right now!

Our episode starts with the fleet showing up and IMMEDIATELY fucking off, RIGHT to Cardassia. And Gul Dukat joins them. He explains, quite clearly, that he’s been working with the Dominion for some time, and cut a deal. Cardassia is joining the Dominion. Him being on their side just didn’t FEEL right, did it?

Gosh, if you can’t trust Gul Dukat, who CAN you trust?. At least all the Cardassian prisoners at the internment camp are all being sent home! Oh, except Garak. The new Cardassian leader wants him right there. IF YOU CAN’T TRUST GUL DUKAT.

The plan is such. Garrak is going to be stuck in a small crevasse, working on a communicator that Tain had built, so they can teleport onto the Runabout. Meanwhile, Worf beats the shit out of some Jem’Hadar, who are training on the Klingons. This will go well. Especially since Garrak has REALLY bad claustrophobia! (just like the actor). Oh boy!

Things are bleak. And the Klingons were WHOOPED by the sudden invading force, so they’re stopping the war against Cardassia… but there is SOME hope we can get out of this. The Khitomer Accords. The alliance between the Humans and Klingons is back. But that hope gets bleak once more. Things are TENSE. Fake Bashir is still there. And Gul Dukat announces they’re about to declare war in order to take back all the land Cardassia lost. That includes DS9…

The Romulans are here too! The war for the Alpha Quadrant has begun.

This shit is MASSIVELY tense, but everyone pulls through. Worf doesn’t yield in his fight. Garrak doesn’t give in to fear. They teleport out, just as they were about to be killed. Good timing, and send a message to DS9, from Bashir. Sisko IMMEDIATELY gets the memo, and he finds out that Bashir is on a Runabout, running to go and cause the fucking sun to go supernova, which would blow up the Alpha Quadrant’s ENTIRE fleet. But they thwarted it, and everyone is there, and safe.

Also, because of the new alliance with the Klingons and the Federation, there will be a permanent Klingon military attachment on DS9. And who better to lead that group than MARTOK? MARTOK IS A SEMI MAIN CHARACTER NOW, YAAAAY

This shit fucking WHIPPED.

Doctor Bashir, I presume - DS9 8.5/10

We start with a cute scene of Rom trying to ask Leeta out on a date. It doesn’t work. I love him. Poor Leeta is like “I’m PRETTY dang sure he’s into me >:(“ and Quark is the worst, as usual. I love him too.

And then, as Bashir is plying some darts, guess who walks in to say hello? THE DOCTOR! Or, more correctly, Dr. Zimmerman, the creator of the Doctor, or EMH, is here to say hello! He’s here to turn Dr. Bashir into the LMH, the Longterm Mehical Holoprogram. Basically, they’re trying to upgrade the EMH, and he’s going to be the new base!

Zimmerman here is the Doctor but without the fires of Voyager to harden him. He’s the Doctor with no character development. He’s awful, is what I’m trying to say. Like, intentionally so. His personality is pretty bad, he’s a weird hornball to Leeta, and when Bashir asks him to not interview his parents, he’s like “Alright, time to contact his parents IMMEDIATELY”. Rude.

There’s a love triangle thing going on here where Leeta and Rom are CLEARLY into each other but Leeta keeps waiting for Rom to make the first move and he’s a fucking AWKWARD DOOFUS. They’re like, useless lesbians. Just without the lesbian.

Anyways Bashir’s parents show up and Bashir is CLEARLY unhappy about it. Something is bothering him HEAVILY about his parents, who are VERY glowing about how proud of him they are. Like, very VERY, “we KNEW he was destined for greatness”. Bashir is LIVID and immediately goes to Zimmerman, like “you had no right to do this, I ASKED you to leave them out of this.” So, yet more “wow this guy is kinda awful” stuff. And then when Zimmerman basically tries to BRIBE Leeta off the station, asking her to come to his station on Jupiter, and he’d get her a cafe there to own, instead of being a dabo girl here in DS9.

Anyways, big twist here, Bashir was genetically enhanced when he was younger, to be a super genius, basically. He didn’t ask for it, he didn’t want it, but his parents did it, because his dad is a dreamer who always wanted better things for himself, but wasn’t cut out for it, so he forced his dreams upon his son. This, if you don’t know, is EXTREMELY illegal in the Federation. And they let this all out to Bashir, like “We’ll NEVER tell Zimmerman you’re genetically enhanced!” and WHOOPS it’s the EMH, and O’Brien and Zimmerman are in the back. Zimmerman IMMEDIATELY files a report to Starfleet, and Bashir explains to O’Brien what happened to him as a kid.

There’s a HUGE argument between Bashir and his parents. And it’s very interesting. Bashir is DISGUSTING by having been experimented on, and when he learned that it had happened, he was 15, and wanted to escape from that. “Jules died in that hospital, and now I’m Julian”. Very interesting lines. Bashir’s dad is an achitect now, and Bashir is like “You’re not my father, and I’m not your son. You’re my architect.” All of their arguments, “You don’t know what it’s LIKE to have a child who might be special ed!” “I JUST WANTED YOU TO SUCCEED” are VERY stupid. And makes them VERY punchable. Anyways Bashir is just going to resign, and they can’t stop him.

Except they do. They go ahead of Bashir and work out a deal with Starfleet. Bashir’s dad goes to jail for two years for y’know, forcibly DNA changing a child, and Bashir goes on as a victim in all this. He’s uncomfortable with the situation, but… maybe he’ll be able to move on from it.

Also this happens. Yay Rom. He won DS9 by getting a VERY hot wife.

This episode is very interesting. And I always think about, with this, how annoyed Bashir’s actor was at it, because this was written into his character for this episode and he was like “This is a MAJOR character plot point. I should have known about this YEARS ago so I could act that into my character???” There’s a lot of thoughts and thinkpieces to be said about Genetically Enhanced Bashir. But they’re already all talked about, so I don’t need to go super into em.

A Simple Investigation - DS9 6.5/10

Our episode starts with a dude who gets murdered in his room on DS9. Why the hell does this station not have phaser alarms?? Let’s just blame Cardassian tech, I guess. Anyways, Odo meets a girl waiting for someone at the bar, who thinks he’s coming onto her. Odo is an awkward doofus so obviously he’s not. He’s pretty interested in her, though, especially after she’s arrested for trying to break into his database to find out where this guy, who got murdered, is. They go to check where he is and oh no he got murdered whoda thought???

Anyways she’s here to try and find this guy, because she’s trying to find her lost child. Of course Odo quickly knows this is a lie. She is EXTREMELY sus. She’s lying in every other sentence, and she’s laying on the flirting REAL thick to try and manipulate Odo. And unfortunately, it’s kinda working. She also has a “Dataport”, which is not illegal but Odo thinks it should be, which she uses to try and break into this dead guy’s property. Odo catches her, AGAIN, and is like “okay that’s it, I’m helping you”.

She NOW claims she’s a part of the Orion Syndicate and this guy was going to help her break away from it, which isn’t really a thing people do. Odo kind of admires that. They both did horrible things in the past… and now she’s trying to break away from it. He never had the courage to break away from the Cardassians until they broke away FOR him.

Speaking of too no courage, Odo is afraid because yeah he’s developing feelings for this girl, no shit. He goes to Bashir, who’s doing a roleplay james-bond-ass TTRPG in the holodeck with Dax and O’Brien, and it’s VERY funny.

Anyways Odo gets his dick wet, and yay I’m sure this will all work out AMAZINGLY.

Anyways yeah she’s using Odo to get back that data crystal thing the murdered guy was going to give her. She offers it to her owner in the Syndicate, Draim, as long as she could escape. Yeahhh that doesn’t work, Draim has her killed anyway. But Odo saves her in the nick of time, as another guy shows up and explains the story. She was an undercover agent, and all of her memories and personality was on that chip. Now she’s going back to her original life, a married one in fact. The woman Odo loved is pretty much dead. She never really existed to begin with. But the person who she became is like “no, she was real. And the love between you was real”. It’s bitter sweet, and quite sad.

This episode was alright.

Business as Usual - DS9 7/10

Quark has fallen on hard times. He’s still banned from working with other Ferengi, and he’s broke as fuck. But his cousin Gaela is here to help! Didn’t he try to KILL Quark before?? Water under the bridge, surely. Gaela knows Quark has the best holosuites in the sector, and he has an idea. Gaela is a weapon salesman, you see. But selling weapons is hard. People look down on it, it’s kind of illegal to bring weapons around some spaces… but you what holographic weapons are? Not REAL weapons :D

Also the b-plot is O’Brien’s baby, Kirayoshi, doesn’t want to be away from his dad, so O’Brien has to work while carrying his baby around. Dunno if these plots fit too well together.

Gaela’s business partner, Hagath, is a very, VERY chilling guy who’s actor is hamming it up like mad and is VERY good at his job. It’s fun watching him, holy SHIT this is exactly what I imagine weapons dealers are like. He is fucking SLIME.

Quark is immediately busted for this, of course, but Odo can’t touch him. Why? BEcause Hagath sold weapons to the Bajorans, and so they owe him…. but that doesn’t mean anyone likes Quark now. Not a SINGLE Federation citizen goes to his bar now. Because he’s a murderer, y’know. That’s what weapons dealers are.

But Quark is innocent! After all, he only sells weapons DEFENSIVELY! It’s all SELF DEFENSE! No one buys that. Not even Quark.

Anyways, the honeymoon situation ends rather quickly when Quark is brought on to do a deal with someone who wants to wipe out an entire fucking planet, for crossing him. A VERY petty reason, but people with lots of power and money are petty.

Quark is very, VERY bad at being a Ferengi

Having a conscience makes you very, VERY bad at being a ferengi.

Everyone still hates him. But he has to do the right thing anyway. In his own words, “what’s one life compared to the lifes of 28 million?”

Quark solves this. How? By planning a weapons deal with this guy’s sworn enemy at the SAME TIME AND PLACE, and stepping away as they enter the room and shoot each other. JFC, Quark.

His business partners flee, followed “purification squads”, and while Quark is back in debt, to the federation to pay for the damages, everyone seems to like him away. …why? Why did Quark get away from this basically scott free? Cause status quo is king?? He needed some lasting scars and got none. I liked the setup but I felt it REALLY failed the landing.

Ties of Blood and Water - DS9 8.5/10

Tekeny Ghemor is back! He’s the adopted father of Kira, from that one episode where she was surgically altered to look like his lost daughter. He’s a sad old man who misses his daughter, but loves Kira, as if she’s his own. She seems to love him back, as a bit of an adopted father, but can’t quite call him father. Unfortunately, those death flags are flying! He Definetely Has Breast Cancer, I mean uh, Gonna Die Disease. And because he’s terminal with Gonna Die Disease, he’s pretty lax about all of it.

Cardassians have a thing where they tell their family members all their secrets as they die. And Kira is basically all he has. Gul Dukat is trying to get him extradited so he DOESN’T tell secrets, but they’re trying to stop that, as he begins telling her about it. But she can’t focus… she can only keep jumping back to her past, PTSD style, as she remembers when she was a medic, years ago, during the occupation. It’s consuming her.

She also has to stay up, so she’s EXHAUSTED. They have to get all this info to her before he dies, and he WILL soon.

Gul Dukat is here to get Ghemor, and his weapons are locked and ready. Ghemor, of course, is not happy to go with him, because of the company he’s keeping… WEYOUN! YES, WEYOUN IS BACK!!! We saw him fucking die, but the Vorta are big at cloning~ Anyways, even trying to offer him his REAL daughter back means nothing.

Sleepy Kira is funny. But even on no sleep for several days she’s still fiesty enough to throw a fucking bottle at Dukat’s head. He deserves it, he’s a fucking menace. But he still gives her information. Ghemor did an atrocity and killed 17 monks in a monestary during the occupation. She’s disgusted, and of course, and now Ghemor has lost BOTH his daughters. Poor guy.

Weyoun drinks poison. It’s very funny.

Everyone is pretty bothered by how Kira is acting about this. She’s letting Ghemor die alone… just like she left her father to die alone. The parallels, you see. It’s like poetry, it rhymes. This time, in the end, she doesn’t take the easy way out to escape seeing the death of her father. In the end, she buries Ghemor. It’s rather hard and heavy.

Ferengi Love Songs - DS9 8/10

Quark is depressed. His life is on hold cause some voles are fucking in the bar, and while it WILL go back to normal, he hates his life. Nothing around him is working, and not even Rom and Leeta getting married (WOW that was fast, it’s been like 4 episodes) cheers him up. Not that I’d ever expect it WOULD. But maybe there’s someone who’ll be there for Quark, when he needs them the most…

MOOGIE! He’s going to stay with his mom for a while. She’s happy to help, but uhhhh

Turns out the Grand Nagus is in his closet.

The Grand Nagus is dating Quark’s mother!!

Also at the same time, Rom and Leeta are having a B-plot argument. Rom is getting a little self consciouse that he’s not a good Ferengi, soooo he’s trying to be more like one! That mean y’know, owning Leeta. Leeta’s like “are you nuts???” and their marriage appears to ALREADY be on the rocks.

People just keep showin’ up in Quark’s closet, huh? BRUNT, FCA is here! And he wants to stop this little love affair before it gets NASTY, and WOMEN are allowed to EXIST! Gross. Quark’s like “Why would I ever help YOU?” “I’ll give you back your business license” “Okay, I will help you”. They’ve gotta do it discretely, though.

Quark basically whispers in the Nagus’ ear telling him that Moogie is whispering in his. He’s a slimy skeezeball. It works! Everything is good! And not only that, but the Nagus wants to hire Quark as his personal assistant! Perfect! Just uh, one small problem. The Grand Nagus is uh, having some memory issues…

O’Brien manages to convince Rom to get his head out of his fucking ass. Profit isn’t THAT important. He and Leeta are back on, after Rom gives his entire fortune to an orphan fund. Now who NEEDS that stupid contract??

Anyways after a massive stock market slide, it’s prretty clear that Zek is having issues. An emergency is called to see if they should depose Zek. And it’s ALL going according to Brunt’s plan. Now he’ll get to become Nagus~

Quark needs to fix this. Yes, Brunt is doing this for personal power and profit… which is very Ferengi. But NOT a Nagus. The Nagus’ greed has to reflect the public’s. Ahhh, a truly Ferengi way to following his conscience. And with Quark’s help (and by that, I mean Moogie’s guidance being told to him THROUGH Quark), Nagus Zek gets out of this sticky wicket, and Brunt is shoved back in the closet. And in the end, it all turns out ACTUALLY happy.

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Soldiers of Fortune - DS9 7.5/10

Our episode starts with Bashir scolding Martok for dripping blood on his carpet. Remember, Martok is a semi-regular now! The Klingons have a group stationed on DS9, and Martok is the leader. He’s a Klingon alright, but he’s pretty alright for one. A bit harsh, but willing to indulge Humans and their niceties more than most. Turns out Worf was the one who hurt Martok, after a training exercise.

Anyways Martok is being sent out to find a lost Klingon ship in Dominion space, and he wants Worf to join him as his first officer. Which is wild, because I’m pretty sure Worf is still persona non grata in the Empire.

I’ve said this before but I still don’t like how they do Worf in DS9. He’s constantly like “oh Humans just do not understand how Klingons are, they are weak and helpless”. Mother fucker, Picard fistfought Klingons to be your Cha’dich. Why has he slid back so far?

Anyways, Worf isn’t into lengthy goodbyes, so he just kinda walks away from Dax as she follows him. Wha? Oh, yeah, she’s also stationed on his ship now, as science officer. Didn’t tell him. Wanted it to be a surprise. I love Dax. She deserves better. He gets on board and immediately starts chumming it with a Klingon who’s mother fucked Curzon. Hell yea.

Dax is a better Klingon than Worf is.

The morale of the crew is horrendous. They’ve lost so many fights that they expect to never win one again. And a ship that loses a fight and SURVIVES is hardly a Klingon ship. And when Martok keeps avoiding combat, it gets worse and worse. Dax is actually kinda close to the crew, so she warns them that they’re gonna fall into a huge problem.

Can we have a yuri story with these two rather than whatever we have with Worf and Dax?

Martok is raving. The man is clearly changed by his two years in a prison being tortured by the Jem’Hadar. He is EXTREMELY suffering from PTSD, but Klingon Therapists were outlawed on birds of prey after the Incident, so we’re fucked. This has been a huge situation of Worf being torn between being Martok’s friend, a Klingon warrior who’s superior is falling apart, and a klingon who’s not at all like other Klingons. He’s goign to have to challenge Martok though, after Martok is too afraid to even try and continue the rescue.

Worf challenges Martok, and it’s a hard fight…. except in the end, Worf throws the fight and is stabbed. Why? To give Martok confidence. It works. A Jem’Hadar ship is on the horizon, and he immediately gives the order to attack. Good strategy, Worf.

Martok knows what he did and why, and he thanks Worf, and offers him a place in his own house. NEW DAD! NEW DAD!

This episode starts a bit slow but picks up by the end.

Children of Time - DS9 10/10

The crew of the Defiant has been on a long mission and is ready to go home, and are chatting. Turns out Kira is single again! Damn, Shakaar got dumped offscreen. Apparently they went to a temple to pray and the Prophets told them they weren’t meant for each other. You don’t need the excuse, girl.

Anyways Dax makes them go scan a thing and then they get hit by a weird energy barrier that knocks out the ship. They immediately get hailed by people on the nearby planet who are like “Hi Ben, come on down, we’ll chat and explain some things :D”. They explain that in two days, they’ll try to leave, and the barrier will send them 200 years into the past, where they will form this settlement. All of the people here are their descendants.

O’Brien meets all his descendants, a lot of Mollies. He is VERY uncomfortable. Everyone is. The Dax symbiont is here too. The only thing is Kira dies in the crash, so there’s no Bajorans here.

Now that they know about this, they want to try and avoid it. But if they do, everyone here will cease to exist. All 8000 people. That’s a LOT of weight on their shoulders. But New Dax has a plan! They can use the thing with Kira to create a duplicate Defiant, so one can leave AND can crash.

So the barrier knocks Odo into goo, so they put him in a literal breadmaker. But did you know Odo is immortal? OLD ODO IS HERE. and by that I mean just Renee without makeup. Very funny. Anyways he’s like “oh my god KIRA, I’VE BEEN WANTING TO SEE YOU FOR SO LONG. By the way I love you.” Kira handles it as well as she can.

….Anyways new Dax is betraying them. How? Turns out he faked the data, so that they’d recreate the accident, so that the 8000 people don’t just cease to exist. It’s kinda a fucked up moral dilemma with no answer. In the end, Sisko can’t just ask Kira to sacrifice herself for 8000. And O’Brien REALLY does not want to be crashed here either.

It’s a fucked, depressing situation. Worf’s descendants ask him to kill them, so they don’t just disappear. That’s no fate worthy of sto-vo-kor. He gives them something to live for by telling them to help the other survivors farm. It’s a good moment.

Kira refuses to NOT die, turns out. She’s kinda disgusted with the idea of living so 8000 people will die. TBF I’d do the same thing too. But Sisko overturns her decision. Most of the crew want to just go home, ESPECIALLY O’Brien…. except in the end, even O’brien, as he farms with the others, realizes what they’re doing. He cant’ do it. He can’t make these people CEASE TO EXIST because of this. So they’re going through with it.

This episode is very powerful and emotional.

…In the end, something changes the flight plan, and they escape without incident. No one ever existed… “They existed… as long as we remember them”. I LOVE that moral. Very Link’s Awakening. But who changes the flight plan? Someone who knew the ship very well. New Dax? No… Odo comes to visit Kira, agrees they should have some space, and also explains New Odo linked with him, so he knows what happened. Odo did it. Odo ended the existence of *8000 people. All to save Kira.

Kira is OFFENDED. Is that right? Odo doesn’t know. But Old Odo sure thought so.

Amazing episode. We are eating. So emotional and powerful.

Blaze of Glory - DS9 3/10

Martok brings Sisko a message they found. The Maquis. With the help of the Dominion, they were all wiped out… or so we all thought. According to this message, as revenge for their dead, they launched The Missiles. The Klingons had given them 30 cloaking devices, thinking they’d use it on their ships, but they could EASILY have put them on their biogenic weapons instead. If those missiles hit Cardassia, it will mean war. But they can’t find the missiles, no matter what. So they need help.

THE. BOY. IS. BACK. This fucking chucklefuck is back. He’s very teasy in that fucking enraging way. But when Sisko shows him the report of the missiles, he gets VERY silent. He’s angy because the Maquis are dead and it’s ALL SISKO’S FAULT >:( You know, not the fact that they declared war on Cardassia, and then died in the war. But how would they know people died in the war?!?!

I still fucking hate the Maquis, please let this be the final episode.

EDDINGTON IS FUCKING INSUFFERABLE. “YOU COULD HAVE LEFT US ALONE, YOU’RE THE REASON THEY’RE ALL DEAD. YOU COULD HAVE JUST IGNORED US USING BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS AND LET US ERADICATE ALL THE CARDASSIANS WITH WAR CRIMES!!!!”

THE PROJECTION. THE AUDACITY OF THIS BITCH.

Anyways this episode becomes Eddington, being a little bitch, telling Sisko he’s going to kill them when they get out of this for revenge, being a petty and snide fucker, as they explore the Badlands searching for these missiles, while being chased and attacked by the Jem’Hadar. Sisko is trying to be as calm as he can be about this but its kinda enraging dealing with Eddington. He has the patience of a GOD. To be fair, not even the writers knew what they were doing with Eddington at this point. The entire Maquis plot has kinda lost all its threads.

Also there’s a B Plot about Nog being annoyed at Klingons being Klingons, and trying to tell them to stop, since he’s security right now, and they keep ignoring him cause he’s a Ferengi. It doesn’t really fit.

Anyways turns out there were no missiles. It was a code, saying that the survivors reached a site and needed to be rescued. Anyways now Sisko has to get all these people out, cause he won’t just let them DIE, and they don’t really want him alive but they need him for now. It’s an uncomfortable situation.

Eddington sacrifices himself so that the others can escape. Oh no, not Eddington!! He dies speaking the name of his wife he just learned about 3 minutes ago, and who was written up just for this episode.

Then they try to make us feel about it. “HE FOUGHT FOR WHAT HE BELIEVED IN. I CALLED HIM A TRAITOR ONCE. BUT HE WAS ONE OF THE BRAVEST MEN-“ Fucking GAG. You do NOT try to make me feel for FUCKING EDDINGTON.

Anyways, thank god this is basically the end of the Maquis plotline in DS9. Please, never again. Let them be gone.

Empok Nor - DS9 8/10

DS9 is falling the fuck apart, and they need new parts. But they can’t get new parts, or make them. The station runs on Betamax. So they need to go to the source, but Cardassian Federation relationships are pretty…. tense right now. So what to do? Well, there’s another station, very similar, kinda nearby. It’s been abandoned, much like Terok Nor was. But Cardassians booby trap their abandoned things, so they need to bring THE BOY along. We’ve got a team of O’Brien leading, Garrak as guide, Nog as security detail, and a bunch of newbies we’ve never seen before.

As Garrak re-awakens the station, it cuts to some frozen tubes… inside as some Cardassians, waking up. They’re not alone :o And as they go and explore, the runabout disconnects from the station and explodes. The two soldiers that got out are NOT happy or friendly.

The episode basically becomes a survival horror where they’re being hunted by these Cardassian super soldiers. O’brien splits everyone up. The ensigns are all together… All the people with plot armor are with him. Well, we know who lives and who dies.

Two of them are killed, and tensions are high. Garrak plans to go hunt them all down, alone, and he’s sassing and harassing O’Brien the entire time. Remember, O’Brien was in the Cardassian war, considered a war hero.

Garrak gets one of them, and studies his corpse. Turns out he’s pumped full of drugs that makes him racist. Not an exaggeration. Anyways, it’s the same blue stuff Garrak had found earlier in the episode. Ruh roh. Garrak is lookin’…. Off. Scratching himself. Another redshirt dies, and Garrak saves the last one… only to stab him, killing him too. Now they have one more Cardassian to worry about, and he’s the scariest one of them all.

It’s just Nog and O’Brien now. And they need to kill Garak. O’Brien gets back into soldier mode, as reluctant as he is about it.

Garak HANGS UP THE CORPSES OF THE DEAD to toy with O’Brien. Jesus christ.

Garak and O’Brien fight, mostly its Garak beating the shit out of O’Brien and mocking him for not being a soldier anymore. O’Brien is like “You’re right… I’m an engineer.” and blows up the trap he set for Garak. Genius shit. That’s our O’Brien. Garak is wounded, but not killed. They finish calling for help, and get out. Garak is… upset as fuck about what happened. Understandably. There’s no real ill will between him and O’Brien, but it’s a tense situation.

Tense, fun episode.

In The Cards - DS9 2/10

Everyone is having dinner at Sisko’s and the mood is MISERABLE. Things are really rough on the station, everyone is anxious and fearing an incoming war. And the WORST part, is Kai Winn is coming soon.

Jake wants to cheer up his dad, so he goes to an auction Quark is running, to bid on a 1950s baseball card. This will go swimmingly, I’m sure. Only problem is, he has no money. Hu-mans have no money, y’know. So he needs to guilt Nog into spending HIS money to make Sisko happen instead. Unfortunately, they lose the auction. Some guy buys it for ten bars, TWO TIMES what they have. Nog is like “it’s okay, we’ll find another way to cheer up your dad!” but Jake is REALLY deadset on this card. Like, I know you wanna cheer up your dad, but he’d prolly be just as happy if you cooked him dinner or something.

Kai Winn is afraid that Bajor will be destroyed in a coming war. Sisko agrees with her. Weyoun comes to pay them a diplomatic visit. Sisko doesn’t like him very much, which pains him. Weyoun has a LOT of love to give.

The guy who bought the baseball card is willing to trade it to them, in exchange for a bunch of difficult to obtain materials. Y’all, don’t help this man build a bomb. This guy is nutso and trying to invent immortality. Anyways they need to go on literal fetch quests to get these things.

I’d like to note that this is the A plot, and the territorial dispute negotiations between Bajor and the Dominion are the B plot. And the A plot is LITERALLY JUST THE STEMBOLTS PLOT AGAIN. WE ARE RETREADING THE FETCH QUEST PLOT.

This all catches the eye of Weyoun of all people.

Also, I gotta say, Jake is REALLY holding the idiot ball this episode. “WE CAN’T TELL ANY OF MY DAD’S FRIENDS WHAT IS GOING ON, THEY’LL TELL HIM!” uh, tell them its a surprise? They’d be good with that??? Jake is WEIRDLY OBSESSED with this, and it’s literally making Sisko more angry and stressed than he would be otherwise, as they get in trouble for harassing KAI WINN of all people about this fucking card.

Anyways Weyoun kidnaps them, along with the wackadoo. Meeting with senior staff, Kai Winn, and doing experiments with this guy right below Weyoun’s quarters, CLEARLY they’re doing something sussy. They convince him in a kind of stupid way, by telling him the truth first then doing an exaggerated story instead. Weyoun keeps the wackadoo scientist though, finding his stuff interesting. Then the episode ends with Sisko talking about how everyone is stressed.

This episode happened.

Call to Arms - DS9 8.5/10

Things are anxious on the station, with the feeling of war on the horizon, but there’s also reasons to be happy! Rom and Leeta’s wedding is soon, and Sisko will officiate them! Rom asked him by saying “Will you marry me” which made us all laugh a lot. But as soon as that’s done, they turn to see more ships coming out of the wormhole.

Countless ships, heading for Cardassia. Ready to strike, at any moment.

Things are still awkward with Odo and Kira, but he irons it out a bit by telling her he has no intentions of courting her, it’s too busy a time for that.

DS9 is setting up a minefield to stop the Dominion from sending more ships to the Alpha Quadrant. When Weyoun finds out, he threatens to start a war. See, he HAS to get ships through to help Cardassia!! They can work out a plan. Just medical personel through the wormhole, if they just remove the mines. Sure, sounds like a deal! …It’s all bluster. An invasion is VERY imminent now. The mines will stay.

Nog and Leeta marry, and Nog IMMEDIATELY ships her off. ALL of the Bajorans are leaving, in fact. Bajor now has a non aggression pact, and are all leaving DS9…. Except Kira, who refuses to leave. Just as they do, Gul Dukat calls and demands a surrender. It’s war time.

We get a sick-ass battle. Things are tense, DS9 is holding, but barely, The Defiant is on a dangerous task to set the minefield, and they’re almost destroyed, but are SAVED BY THE KLINGONS!! Hell yea Martok~

The Minefield is here. It’s making the Dominion regroup, but it’s not going to be enough. Sisko calls for an evacuation. Dax basically proposes to Worf, who’s going with the Klingons into glorious combat, so now he CAN’T die, he has a hot wife to go back to. It’s not farewell to DS9. It’s see you laters. Sisko basically says goodbye to the station, as he’s beamed aboard the defiant.

Kira welcomes the Dominion onto DS9… but not before blowing up ops. Badass. Looks like we’ll have some new status quo. The Cardassians, and the Jem’Hadar, now own DS9. Everyone is gone, except Rom, who is a spy, working for Quark again, Jake, who’s acting as a conflict reporter, Kira, who isn’t Starfleet and thus stays (though things are VERY tense), and Odo who is also officially part of Bajor. All of them stay on DS9… oh, sorry. I mean Terok Nor. Dukat settles into his old/new home, and find Sisko’s baseball. A message to him. He’ll be back.

Good start to a major thing. Time for a war, friends.

Season 5 was really good, over all. I still love this show.