LizstarTrek - TNG Season 5

Every Sunday my Twitch subs and I watch Star Trek in my Discord. Here are my reviews and thoughts on each of the episodes as I see it. If you’re curious about a nerd’s views on Star Trek episodes, please read on, I go quite in d mopepth with some of this episodes! I’ve watched some Star Trek before but not all of it!

Starting season 5! Getting into some of the REAL good shit~ ….Once again, I’m worried my scale is all fucked up. There’s gonna be lots of 10s, aren’t there???

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Redemption Part 2 - TNG 10/10

We slam back into a civil war. Kurn and Worf nearly die in a battle but Kurn does the Kurn Maneuver (going warp on the surface of the sun so the others chase a bit further and blow up), and they make it out. I do think it’d be funny if they just straight up killed Worf in the first scene of season 5 though. Dorn’s like “I got one more in me.”

At the same time, Picard is trying to convince some more fucking admirals that they need to stop Romulans from supplying the Duras family. At first the admirals are belligerent, but eventually Picard convinces them. Apparently, Geordi has invented a Tachyon Net to catch Romulan cloaking. That’s our Geordi. And also, Data passive aggressively is like “Hey Cap why haven’t I gotten a ship? You say there’s not enough senior officers to outfit the blockade. I can do that”. So, Data is made captain.

Klingon politics is fun. The guy who tried to kill Dorn and Worf yesterday is drinking with em and insulting em. Worf is really realizing how different the Klingon Empire is from the Federation, but he finally decides “eh, fuck it”, cause he wants to be with his brother.

Data shows up on his new ship, and his first officer is racist. “No one would expect a Klingon to be a good ship’s counselor, and I don’t believe an android would be good at being a captain”.

“I understand your concern. Request denied.”

Fucking love Data.

Okay NOW Worf is probably feeling the differences between the Federation and Klingons again as someone yells at Gowron and they have a fight and Murder Occurs.

My man, I’mma need you to stop being racist.

The blockade happens, a tachyon net. And instead of like, moving up or something (space is a flat plane of course), the Tasha Yar Look-alike working with the Romulans is like “WE NEED TO FIND A WAY THROUGH” and sends a message to Picard, claiming she’s the CHILD of Tasha Yar, and that he needs to fuck off. Everyone is like “what the fuck is this”, and Guinan has to explain that one episode where an alternate universe Tasha goes back to the past on Enterprise C. And if that’s not enough for you, this new character, Sela, explains exactly what happened. An interesting story, and end to Tasha. Though kinda dark. And of course, Sela is played by Tasha Yar’s actress, so it hits even harder.

Wow this Klingon is really horny for Worf. I guess I get it, but she needs to slow her roll. He gets captured by the Duras, and they offer him to join them. Quite obviously Worf told them to fuck off.

Also, O’Brien is on the Bridge! He’s doing Worf’s job. Which I guess makes sense. Better that then make a new character.

Data saves the day, all while Racist McFuckstick questions him EVERY step of the way, insulting him and treating him like garbage, but Data discovers hidden Romulans sneaking past, and solves the issue because he’s Data. Then this asshat turns out around and becomes a kissass. Absolutely fuck this guy.

With the Romulans exposed, they flee, and Dural’s forces IMMDIATELY crumble as they have no Romulan backup. The Duras sisters dip immediately, leaving their nephew. Fuck him I guess. Toral, the son of Duras, is brought before Worf. Gowron gives Worf the opportunity to kill this literal child. It’s a thing ANY Klingon would do. Worf isn’t just any Klingon, though.

What a good god damn line. None of the Klingons are happy but Worf doesn’t really give a shit, now does he? Especially since he immediately turns to Picard and requests a return to the Federation, which is granted.

Smooth episode. Doesn’t feel rushed, but it’s FULL, it’s almost feels like a MOVIE. Solid god damn episode.

Darmok - TNG 9/10

The Enterprise goes to meet with some Aliens who have showed up called the Tamarians. The Tamarians were interacted with once before, and they’re considered… instructable and confusing, but perfectly benign and peaceful. Picard wants to have a true first contact and get to know them better, but their way of communication is… odd. They just state Proper Names, and then locations. My linguistics brain is tiiiiingling!!

They watch the Tamarian captain talk with someone else, and again, they seem pleasant. And they’re saying things about Darmok and Jalad at… somewhere, when the walls fell. And then Picard and the other captain are teleported to the planet, the Tamarian brandishing knives. Oh no!

But again, he seems… jovial. Maybe frustrated by being unable communicate? Eventually, night falls, and Picard begins to freeze, but the Tamarian captain gives him some fire, “his arms wide”… This is SUPER INTERESTING.

Riker has been trying to rescue Picard with no success. They try and send a shuttle down to pass through the No Teleporter Forcefield, but the Tamarians shoot out their engines… JUST enough so they would be able to continue, but not come back. Good shooting.

Also of note, this is the first episode with Picard’s new uniform! Makes sense it wasn’t in the part 2, right? Anyways it’s nice.

I wish this episode was JUST Picard and the Tamarian on the surface. I find them trying to communicate EXTREMELY fascinating, and I love the small moments as much as they do. Picard LEAPS for joy as he learns what a phrase means! I LOVE THAT! And then BOOM BACK TO THE OTHERS, who try and beam Picard up. They fail, AND interrupt Picard trying to save the Tamarian’s life. Like obviously they need to try and get their captain back. But I find it WAY less interesting than the other half of the episode. The only other part I guess I like is that Data and Troi are trying to figuring it out and spell out the way their language works, but that’s about it.

Basically, their entire language is based on the stories of what people once did. Tembo, his arms wide, is someone who once gave and gave. Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra is the story of two people who didn’t know each other, but met on an island, and fought a mighty beast, and became closer, friends. Thats what the captain is trying to do.

Unfortunately, despite Picard making these breakthroughs, the Tamaran Captain dies from his wounds. And Picard worries that no one may know exactly what he wanted, if he goes too. But then back to the dumbies in space, Riker basically declares war on these people to try and get Picard beamed back on board. He does, and the Enterprise nearly falls as Picard charges on the bridge like “I GOTTA STOP THIS SHIT”. And then he has a conversation.

And that conversation is total gibberish. But, to us, after having watched the episode? It makes COMPLETE sense. In the end, Picard offers the knife of the captain, tembo, his eyes open. But no, temo, at rest. He keeps it, and the episode ends on Picard making the same gesture the captain had made.

If this episode didn’t have Riker’s weird aggressive bullshit on the bridge, it would be an 11/10, if it was just Picard. It just needs a few changes. But I really love linguistics stuff, so this hits me harder than it might for some. Also I guess it maybe needed them on the ship to explain stuff for us dumb idiot consumers?

Ensign Ro - TNG 9/10

The Enterprise get word that a Federation colony on the edge of Cardassian space has been asploded. They’re on their way to determine how the Cardassians did it, when they get a message from some people calling themselves “The Bajora”, which is funny, who claim responsibility, as if THEY can’t have a home in this sector, no one can. Aight my guy.

The Bajorans (I’m calling them that cause it sounds better), and their terrorist leader Orta, directly attacked the Federation basically to get them to pay attention to their plight. I’ve seen this kinda terrorism plot in stuff before. An admiral is like “Picard, I need you to tell him we hear him, and our thoughts and prayers are with them.” which I’m sure will go well, and then he also forces Picard to take some lady who he apparently GOT OUT OF PRISON for this. Ro Laren.

No one here is happy about this. Ro Laren is kinda belligerent, Riker is PISSED at how belligerent she is, and Picard is exhasperated. It’s also very weird watching this after having watched a full season of DS9. This was way before DS9 was ANYTHING, or even a possibility. So all the continuity errors are weird.

Ro Laren convince them to talk to a leader of a refugee camp. They were GONNA talk to some prim and proper Bajoran, “one of the good ones”. Picard gives them blankets, they give harsh words about “oh if the terrorist attack is making you help us we should have been killing you long ago”.

Good scene with Ro and Guinan. Apparently, Ro Laren ignored direct orders, and seven people died because of it, so she’s been in jail, and EVERYONE hates her. And she kind of hates herself, too. Also it turns out she’s being used by the admiral for… some kind of purpose! What a surprise!

She sneaks down and talks to the terrorists, and when Picard goes after her. They’re IMMEDIATELY captured, but the terrorists are… friendly. Enough. They claim they had NOTHING to do with the terrorist attacks. And through Guinan, we find out that Ro Laren was sent here to give him another offer… one that the Federation couldn’t make above board. She doesn’t know who to trust anymore, but Guinan trusts Picard…. and Picard becomes her new mentor figure. Something she desperately needs.

Ro Laren is fucked up. She has extreme trauma, and is the chess piece in a terrible conspiracy. But she can trust Picard. And we trust Picard too, will find the right way out of this mess.

Wow, what a surprise! The Cardassians are here! And they’re going to destroy the Bajorans! And the Admiral is like “Oh gee well you should leave the Bajorans to their fate~”. LOL I’m sure. Picard IMMEDIATELY calls him on his bullshit, explaining all of it. And the Admiral is like “what no way”. Anyways Picard is ALWAYS one step ahead of him. I think he’s tired of all this conspriacy bullshit. I know we are too. Picard is amazing here. And he takes Ro Laren under his wing, and hopes she’ll remain in starfleet. It’s nice to see.

Again, good episode. Riker being overly angry again… why is that happening a lot??? It’s also a VERY important episode, being THE episode that solidifes DS9. And it shows Ro Laren for the first time, who’ll show up in future episodes!

Silicon Avatar - TNG 9/10

Wil is making the moves on some colonist, in what might be the horniest scene I’ve seen in Trek. “You can come to my tent later, Will. I can make chicken curry, we can have that wine I know you brought, and then we can have an… unforgettable desert” ;D

And then they’re interrupted by a rotating crystal christmas tree.

It’s the Chrystalline Entity!! Y’all remember that?! It hasn’t shown up since SEASON ONE, but it’s some kind of entity that just straight up eats people, and it ate Data’s homeworld, basically. Data, Will, and Crusher try to evacuate the colony to safe caves nearby. Riker’s new crush stops to help someone who fell over.

Well shit. I guess Riker isn’t having no desert tonight.

All of them hide in the caves, Riker taking control of the situation. No one knows if the cave will even be enough to shelter to them. Even if it does, they may just run out of air. It’s a tense situation. Luckily, Worf and the others come in the nick of time.

Riker admits his love for Worf, finally.

What a pretty mat painting. Oh wait no that’s horrible. They go get an expert on the Crystalline Entity, who is…. a flippant shithead. She’s flippant AND mean towards Data. “MAYBE IT LEFT THE SURVIVORS ALONE BECAUSE YOU LEAD IT HERE AND IT DIDN’T WANT TO KILL ITS ALLY” Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s.

Yes, her son was killed by the Chrystalline entity. This is going too far. Data had nothing to do with it. Fuck off lol. Data is assigned to her anyway, cause Picard’s not putting up with that shit. Data gives her information and tries to find a way to scan for it, and she’s almost willing to throw it away so she can ignore Data some more. But she accepts it, and they have a good moment.

GREAT scene with Picard and the scientist. She wants to blow it the fuck up, understandably. And Picard thinks it’s just eating, just living, and deserves to live, even if it hurts others, by accident. Also understandably. No one is in the right, or the wrong.

I love you, Data.

She gets attached to Data, because he has her son’s memories in his head, and his data entry logs. She even has him use his voice and read a journal entry. Data, of course, does, but we watching are like “this is MASSIVELY UNHEALTHY”

She and Data also find a way to communicate with it, to try and reach a friendly relation with it. They find a way, using resonance sequences. It works, and the entity seems… willing for friendly relations, they just need some time to- oh shit, Dr. Marr hacked the signal. The signal amplitude increases, to a point, and causes it to shatter and literally kills it. She’s IMMEDIATELY escorted to her quarters for, y’know, killing a living thing we wanted to be friends with.

She says she did it for “you”, you being her son, though she’s talking to Data, because she sees data as her son. And Data explains no, from what he knows, her son would be very, very sad. And it just BREAKS her.

What a fucking episode. Heavy, but good.

Disaster - TNG 10/10

Our episode starts with O’Brien, Keiko, Riker, and Data at Guinan’s. Keiko is gregnant! :D pregante! They’re arguing over what the kid should be named and Riker is like “oh, William, easy, done”. Good shit.

At the same time, Picard is showing some kids a tour of the ship. He is VERY bad with children. And then, suddenly… DISASTER! title drop.

They hit some “space filiment”, whatever the shit that is, and it causes a whole bunch of shit to fail.

The kids are crying and Picard is very, VERY VERY BAD AT THIS. “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP CRYING WE WON’T DIE”. Yeah that’ll help.

Meanwhile, it’s O’Brien, Troi, a random Ensign, and Ensign Ro on the bridge. Ro is back! :D And because a random Lieutenant who WAS in command here is now dead cause of Explodium, Troi is now in charge. She is NOT ready for this. At all.

This episode is basically just “what do these groups of people do in disaster scenarios”. We’ve got Crusher and Geordi stuck in room with a radiation fire and barrels of fuel. We’ve got Troi, Ro, O’Brien, and a random dude on the bridge, with Troi in charge and freaking out. We’ve got Data, Riker, Keiko, and Worf in Ten Forward, and Keiko is…. very, VERY pregnant. And then Picard surrounded by crying children in an elevator.

Picard is the first to get his situation under control. He “appoints” everyone fake titles, and gets their help to try and get out of the elevator.

On the bridge, Ro does some Illegal Fucky Shit to get power back online for some systems. O’Brien is OFFENDED, which is VERY funny because of what he’s like in DS9. This isn’t DS9 tho.

There’s an Electrical Storm, which Data nullifies by Walking Into it. Oh, Data.

IT’S HERE! This is what this episode is known for. Keiko in labor. Who is here to help? How about the fucking Klingon who just grabbed some old guy’s bones and cracked them back into place and said “Good, you bore the pain well”. Yeah. That’s the best choice. Well your other choices are Data’s head, cause Riker took it apart, and riker, who is busy elsewhere.

I gotta say, the turbolift? Very poorly designed. Why is the exit hatch like, up above, in the middle of a curved dome??? How is ANYONE supposed to get to that? It needs like, a release for some kinda ladder. Picard broke his ankle but is STILL able to get out of it and climb up. Aight.

To put out their fire AND get rid of the explosive compounds, Geordi and Crusher depressurize the room. It’s fun and exciting, though they got like, the least scren time of all these groups.

Ro wants Engineering vented cause it’s about to explode. Troi refuses, just in case people are alive down there. Luckily, Data and Riker silve the situation with Data’s head being connected to Engineering.

All of the disasters are being solved. This is a sweet and cute moment.

This one is going about as well as you would expect. Anyways, she’s a girl, yay! Turns out this entire episode was a Gender Party gone very, very wrong. No obviously not. The episode ends with an adorable last moment with Picard and the kids, the Enterprise fixed and moving off.

Great episode! Honestly just a bunch of great moments and character moments, one after another. And I like little vignette episodes like this with showing different groups handling issues.

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The Game - TNG 7/10

This episode starts with Riker having sex with some alien. Lovely. The alien is like “Hey try this game out, it’s really popular around here~”. It’s a thing that beams a game directly into your eye and brain and you gotta get the disc into the hole. But also when you win it pumps sex chemicals into you. Exciting?

This looks like a game I’d play on Windows 95. But like, instead of being a shitty game on a 5000 game disc, it’s one game and they gotta make it count so they cheat with sex chemicals.

Wesley Crusher is back! He’s here on vacation and is gonna help them out for a bit, cause things are hectic! They throw him a little party first, everyone excited to see him! Worf even bakes him a “Tarvogian Pound Cake”. WORF’S A BAKER?! WHAT THE FUCK THAT’S GREAT. Also apparently, Wesley found a personality at the acadamy? I’ve never hated him, but I did find him slightly boring. He’s a bit more of a Person here.

Unfortunately, this is also The Horniest Episode Ever, so he’s got this weird flirtation with some girl who recently got assigned to like 2nd in command down in engineering and it sure is awkward without trying to be awkward!

And then suddenly, Dr. Crusher calls Data into sickbay, and he’s ambushed and shut down by what I can only describe as The Children of the Corn. Apparently, The Game is spreading.

This episode is weird. Parts of really cute, I like Wesley having tea with Picard and talking about his time at the acadamy. That’s cute! Then we see Riker Indoctrinate Geordi into The Game which is uncomfy as hell.

AND THEN WE HAVE TO WATCH DR. CRUSHER HAVE AN ORGASM IN FRONT OF HER SON, WHO BASICALLY WALKS IN ON HER MASTURBATING. She’s then very VERY pushy about him becoming One With The Game. JOIN US, WESLEY. “Oh I’m busy, I have a date” “INVITE HER HERE, WE’LL ALL SIT IN A CIRCLE AND MASTURBATE TOGETHER”. Like I geddit, but it doesn’t make it pleasant to watch.

Wesley and his crush, Leffler, are like “I wonder why everyone is being so fucking weird”, and decide instead of jumping into it, to do scans on it, where they find out it is, in fact, an addictive Sex Toy.

And then Wesley goes to narc on everyone to Picard. This feels like Star Trek’s Very Special Episode. All about the Dangers of Addictive Substances. Unfortunately, Picard is also addicted to the game and just ignores his warnings. Welp. So now it’s also kinda half Very Special Episode, half Zombie Apocalypse. Wesley and Leffler have to dodge people constantly trying to push this substance on em, which is creepy af, and yes, Leffler DIRECTLY calls it creepy af. They need to PRETEND to be infected to fly under the radar.

Turns out that sex bunny from the intro is behind this! What a surprise! She’s trying to take control of the Enterprise, and she absolutely did. Sex wins, again. And then OH NO, LEFFLER IS CONTROLLED! Now it’s just Wesley, and he’s doing a wild fucking escape through the Enterprise as EVERYONE ELSE is trying to get him. We had this once, that one episode where Solid Snake is breaking through the Enterprise as everyone tries to stop him. It’s way more fun here with Wesley, someone we actually know and care about. Well, care about is loose. But I like Wesley in this episode?

Wesley is captured, and in the CREEPIEST SCENE OF ALL OF STAR TREK, has the Sex Game forced upon him in a Clockwork Orange as fuck scene. He tries to keep his eyes closed, they’re forced open. He refuses to actually play, but the game CHEATS and forces him to play. But as Wesley is being indocrinated, DATA COMES IN TO SAVE THE DAY! Wesley had fixed Data offscreen, in the only gambit in all of Star Trek that works every time: “Data is able to save the day”. Data comes in and does a horrible flashing lights scene that deprograms everyone, and then they capture the alien, Wesley heads back off to the Acadamy after smooching Leffler a bit, and they live happily ever after? Well we never see Leffler again so oh well.

This was a weird one. Parts of it were uncomfy, but they were supposed to be. They just weren’t fun to watch. Leffler and Wesley working together and Wesley Die Harding the Enterprise were REAL fun tho. also apparently this was inspired by how addictive Tetris was. Yeah. Tetris is JUST like sex.

Unification I - TNG 9/10

Turns out there was a recent major ambassodor in the Federation who has defected to the Romulan empire… and it’s SPOCK! DUN DUN DUN! Yes, FINALLY, Spock returns to TNG. Seasons ago, basically nothing TOS was even allowed to be mentioned. Now, we get Spock directly appearing, yay!

Picard is tasked with finding out what happened with Spock. Was he abducted? Has he betrayed the Federation??? To figure it out, he goes to Sarek, who is on his death bed. Last time we saw Sarek, he was very VERY old, and falling apart. Picard mind melded with him to help save the day, so they’re very connected. Sarek is CONTROLLED by his emotions now and can barely communicate. But once Picard mentions Spock, he wakes right back up. It’s tragic to watch him, his acting is so good. It’s like watching an old respected family member fall apart, the alzheimers becoming too much for them. It brings home everything Sarek’s episode was supposed to represent a few seasons ago.

They need a Klingon ship to cloak and sneak into Romulan borders. Picard plays the Klingon Politics game in a GREAT way. Gowron is already standoffish, pretending to not owe the Federation ANYTHING. Picard is like “Yeah? Well we can go be friends with OTHERS in the Klingon empire~” and boom, they get a ship.

Meanwhile, Riker is in control of trying to find out a weird mystery that’s been hinted at all episode: Some Vulcan deflector tech was found, and they think it connects to Spock’s disappearance. They go to a junkyard where the deflectors were SUPPOSED to be, and find out that someone has been sneaking things out of the junkyard. The junkyard’s manager is NOT happy about this. It’s an INSULT! Time to get to the bottom of this.

I love the scene where Picard is trying to sleep and Data just keeps staring at him. So good.

Meanwhile, Riker catches the smugglers, and they open fire. He’s like “okay, a LIGHT shot, only on their weapons-“ and boom, they fucking explode. Oops. Good goin’, Riker.

Meanwhile, Picard and Data don their Romulan Disguises and travel down. It’s neat to see Romulan culture shown, we don’t see it much other than military stuff. Everyone is VERY untrusting. They try to find Pardek, but Pardek finds them first, telling them that security knows they’re there, and taking them to meet… Him.

TIME FOR PART TWO.

Unification II - TNG 8/10

And in we go. Spock is IMMEDIATELY like “it is nice to meet you, go the fuck away”, but Picard is like “yo your dads dead” and that changes his opinion. He explains that he’s here to reunify the Vulcans and Romulans. Seeing Picard and Spock interact is really interesting, cause Picard is THE most Vulcan of Humans. He lets emotion carry him rarely, instead relying on logic a lot. And Spock is the most Human Vulcan. So they bounce on each other in a really interesting way.

Meanwhile, Data returns to the Klingon ship. He intends to hack into the Romulan database. The Klingon captain doubts Data. Silly Klingon.

Turns out there’s a big underground movement, especially within the younger generations. They are fascinated in where they came from, and what Vulcans are. It’s cool, and pretty accurate. I can see tyhat happeniong.

This scene is amazing. Riker slides into a Hive of Scum and Villainy, and meets with the piano woman and talks to her about her ex husband, who he just fucking blew up. She thanks him for that and tells him about her ex’s old business deals. Very fun~

Spock meets with the proconsul, a high ranking member of parliament, and he’s VERY supportive of reunification, and thinks they can go through with it easily! As Spock leaves, however, we see he’s ACTUALLY in cahoots with…

SHE’S BACK ALREADY!

KLINGON OPERA!

Riker is a very different captain to Picard. Riker GRABS THE FERENGI and is like “let me tell you what will happen if you don’t tell me what I want. You will be legally restricted from traveling in this sector. Also, I will be VERY upset.” It works.

Anyways, Spock, Data, and Picard are captured by Sela, and it turns out Pardek, the original Romulan helping them, was setting this all up to begin with as well. NO ONE was really on their side ): (except maybe the kids). Sela captures them, explains her full plan, then LEAVES THEM ALONE IN HER OFFICE, ALONGSIDE HER COMPUTERS AND SHIT. SO THEY HACK IN. WHAT THE FUCK? I didn’t know Sela was a fucking Bond Villain. Unshockingly, they use this to take out Sela. But it’s too late, some stolen Vulcan ships are on the way for a sneak attack against Vulcan.

Oh wait no, Data sent out a distress message first telling everyone of the ships. God damn, Data is OP. Roddenberry should nerf.

The Romulans blow up their own invasion force, killing 2000 Romulans. And it’s all done. The young Romulans were not a part of this, and say they will continue to work towards education on the Vulcan methods. Spock decides to stay with them, helping teach them. Spock compares Picard to Sarek, which he’s done all episodes, lamenting Picard knows Sarek better than he does. Picard offers him a chance to learn what he has learned of Sarek.

I loved the first half of this but lemme tell you, Sela REALLY held the idiot ball here. Usually the Romulans are outsmarted, here they weren’t even trying. That soured it a lot for me.

A Matter of Time - TNG 6/10

The Enterprise encounters a traveler who claims to be from 300 years in the future! He’s a cooky historian, who’s a big fucking goober, and is geeking out about everyone. He claims to have come back to study everyone, and he even has questionairres. Big goofball. Everyone is understandably hesitant, but his story SEEMS to check out, and they are super curious about the future. Understandable, though he’s like “please stop asking me when you die you DO realize how bad that is to know right”

Everyone keeps asking “why are you here what’s going on” and “you’re here for THIS MISSION right?!” and he’s getting a little sassy about it. But he’s VERY untrustworthy. No one trusts him, but he’s very overly friendly. Like, ESPECIALLY on Crusher, he’s making the moves on her and it’s like…. Nope. Please stop.

The planet they’re doing some drilling on seems to have failed. It might have made things worse, and made it unstable. And all the while, thoughts of why this historian came NOW…. was it to watch them fail??? However, we keep seeing this historian steal things from around the Enterprise. Me-thinks he’s not what he says he is.

Data is listening to four compositions at once. All classical Earth music of course. I wish they had invented some Bolian classical music or something, why does everyone only care about like, 1700s music? Why doesn’t Data listen to Babymetal? LET DATA LISTEN TO SNOOP DOGG.

Picard calls the professor in and they get into a BIG argument. Picard needs his help to try and save lives down on the planet. Patrick Stewart is trying so hard. He’s doing the Picard Speech so well. But holy shit I disagree with him so much. “Picard, I can’t let you change the future” “NO YOU SHOULD, WE MIGHT SAVE PEOPLE” Uh, no. That’s not how time travel works.

Things worked out, but the professor’s gig is up. Everyone realizes items are missing, and Data and the professor go inside his futuristic fancy ship. He holds Data hostage and explains who he is. An inventor from the 22nd century. A very bad one. Someone from the 26th century came to his century, and he killed him and took his time machine to THIS point, to steal stuff and take it back to “invent it”. But anyways Data and everyone else out smarts him, and he’s stuck in the 24th century forever. Poor guy.

Safely skippable but okay.

New Ground - TNG 4/10

The Enterprise is hanging around to see a new form of propulsion be invented, when suddenly Worf gets a call from his mom that she and Alexander are here to visit! Weird… timing mom, but okay. Worf welcomes them on and then WHOOPS IT WAS A TRAP, TAKE ALEXANDER FROM US PLEASE

Worf refuses to be a dad to this kid. Worf’s mom keeps telling him that Alexander NEEDS a father, but Worf is… VERY hesitant. This was thrust upon him.

Worf is not a good father. He’s very awkward. And watching him be terrible with his kid is not pleasant to watch in the slightest, especially when he’s asked about basic information by the teacher, like Alexander’s fucking birthday. He’s NEVER been a father of this kid, how the hell can he start now? ESPECIALLY when he also has his job to do. He doesn’t WANT to do this, so he’s very difficult. Like I said, it’s very painful.

Alexander steals some shit at school and then lies about it. Worf finds out and explains to Alexander THE VALUE OF HONOR, AND HOW HE DISHONORED HIS FATHER BY DOING THIS. Well, that resolves that!

Troi tries to help Worf, but Worf refuses any parenting help. He is GOOD at this parenting thing. No. No he is not.

Oh hey back to what I THOUGHT was the A plot! They’re watching the Wave, a new kind of propulsion, carry a ship along. It’s going super well! And then it’s not. The shop fucking explodes, and damages the Enterprise as well. Welp, looks like the Wave isn’t going to work any time soon but for a MOMENT it did! Anyways back to the Worf Plot, god dammit.

Alexander is continuing to lie, what a surprise. He also stole Worf’s Batleth to do some training in, in the same training scenario where he was conceived a few seasons ago which is a little weird but hey whatever. Worf CONTINUES to be a shitty dad, and blow off everyone trying to help him. Troi keeps trying, bless her. She eventually breaks it through to Worf: “He’s acting out CAUSE you’re a shit dad, Worf”. Well she doesn’t say it like that, but it’s basically that. He’s acting out cause he was abandoned by Worf seasons ago.

As the Enterprise tries to stop the wave, as it gains power and threatens a planet, the wave hits the Enterprise just as Alexander sneaks into a biolab to look at the pretty animals. The Biolab lights on fire, and Alexander is injured in the burning Biolab. Riker and Worf burst into the lab to save him, and Worf does Obscene Feats of Strength to save his son, and then the animal his son likes. They barely make it in time, as the biolab is flooded with radiation that’s needed to take out the wave.

Worf offers Alexander a space on the Enterprise, accepting to be a father. Literally, it’s a “DO YOU ACCEPT MY CHALLENGE TO BE MY SON” thing which is very Worfy. And thus, Alexander will become a semi-main stay character. He’ll be in six or so more episodes. This episode was….. rough. I think they did stuff okay but it was VERY uncomfortable to watch Worf be a shitty dad. It’s not like, something that SHOULDN’T be shown. I just don’t like it, at all. It’s important! It’s character lore and character development! But god, I just don’t wanna watch it.

I swear, this stupid fucking cover image is relevant to these episodes.

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Hero Worship - TNG 8/10

Our episode starts with a research vessel being lost in a Black Cluster, whatever that is, and the Enterprise following behind. They find the vessel ripped apart and dead, but there are pockets of air still on there so they beam on board which seems like a great freaking idea. Apparently they can’t scan through the bulkheads but I guess they can teleport through them sure why not.

While inside, they find a little kid trapped under some rubble. They’re like “we need to teleport him out” and the transporter chief is like “There’s too much shielding, I can’t get a lock on him” YEAH BUT THE OTHERS HAVE LOCKS ON THEM?? If you can’t trust Star Trek to be consistant what CAN you trust. Anyways the others teleport off and Data lifts the beams off the boy, and as the ship collapses, they teleport out.

Moments like this are so stilted compared to modern stuff where you can just use CGI. Some random shit falling from the ceiling. Some steam popping up out of a pipe. It’s such a unique vibe for this era, where the special effects were GOOD but still 100% physical.

The episode then flows into two plots. First, involving the kid, Timothy. Timothy latches onto Data, basically, as Data was his hero. It follows themes of trauma and like, kids being scares and needing a sense of stability and some kind of hero in his life. Hence the name. The other half is Picard and the others trying to figure out what possibly blew up the ship. Timothy said that it was some kind of alien attack, and they guess MAYBE it was the Breen. But also maybe the kid was lying cause he’s in shock. To help the kid, they assign Data to be a Dad For A Day. Data is very bad at this. Timothy builds a thing out of legos and is like “HOW IS IT” and Data does his Data thing and tells him it’s shit garbage. Oh Data.

Data is bad at being a Dad but this kid seems to love him anyway, and begins to mimic Data. Does weird stilted motions, says strange things, pretends to have no emotions. Troi is like “Hmmm” even though THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED DATA CONNECT WITH THIS KID. How can you blame him for wanting to be like Data? I wanna be like Data, and I’m 30. Honestly it’s an extremely realistic thing. Troi even has a name for it, good therapy stuff. They decide this is possibly for the best, actually, to help Timothy through his trauma. That’s pretty cool.

This kid actor is cute, and Data genuinely worries about him. Timothy talks about nightmares… but no. He does not require sleep.

If your child paints this, send them to a therapist IMMEDIATELY. Eventually, the two plots coincide again. Timothy’s therapy has been going better, and they also determined that weapons cannot actually work in the Black Cloud. So they ask Timothy again, if there was actually an attack… and Timothy is like “No. I killed them. I accidentally fell on a computer during a shake and everything exploded”. Aww poor kid has been living with this for days. But no it was a coincidence.

And then the same stuff that happened to the ship happens on the Enterprise, and with Timothy’s memory of what happened, and Data’s brainmeats, they figure out that their shields is actually killing them. They fix it and everything is fine. Timothy can go back to being a boy, wracked with nightmares, and they live happily ever after :D This episode was pretty alright. Cute, handles heavy topics shockingly well, and the kid acting was good.

Violations - TNG 1.5/10

This was an episode I’ve been DREADING. CWs for sexual assault.

Anyways we’ve got some aliens here who are psychic. They are historians, who help people delve through memories to learn things they may have forgotten. Keiko remembers a cup from when she was a little girl but forgets why it’s important, and together through a kind of new age moment with her eyes closed, they determine it’s an ink cup for painting with her grandma. The old alien is like “Who else wants to try? Doctor, you’re thinking about your first kiss right now~” and his son is like “uh dad you know we’re not supposed to probe people’s minds against their will” and then as they all leave big zoom in on his very trustworthy face.

I am in utter fear.

There are three of this aliens. Mom, dad, and son. The dad is big and boisterous, and basically insults his son and his psychic abilities which is rude as hell but hey he’s gonna be the villain, obviously, so I don’t give a shit. Like, it’s laying it on thick. He’s friendly and nice to people, but then it zooms in on his evil face as people like walk away from him.

Then comes a very explicit sex scene where he invades her memories of having sex with Riker, and basically forces mind sex onto her. I do not want to show that scene so here’s a cute gif of some snails eating some cucumber.

The event puts Troi into a coma. Riker retraces her footsteps and determines that the last person she was interacting with was the son. The son is OFFENDED that he’s implicated, even though Riker is like “Hey do you know anything” which makes him VERY obviously evil, way more obvious than he was and he was obviously evil. Anyways then, the guy seems to psychically attack Riker, and we get the weirdest scene I think I’ve ever seen in Trek, where it’s one of Riker’s traumatic memories through a weird filter that makes it look VERY stupid in screenshots posted on Cohost.

Hey look, a very stupid looking screenshot.

Riker is put in a coma. The last person Troi talked to was the son. Now also Riker. So clearly it’s the son right- no, they accuse the dad. What the shit. Why are Crusher and Picard deep throating the idiot ball in this episode??? I am so checked out. Anyways woah, Crusher is psychically assaulted next.

People start waking up, and the son is like “I’ll help them by exploring their memories of the event”, which is like a sexual assaulter agreeing to be the assaulted’s OBGYN. What results is basically showing the same sexual assault scene, again. They REALLY showed the actual literal sexual assault TWICE. Look. Sexual assault as drama is usually a very bad idea, I don’t think I trust ANYONE to do it well. You could probably do it well. But they do NOT. It would actually be better if they didn’t literally show us it’s the son, like glaringly. If it was a MYSTERY, it’d still be tasteless, but I’d prolly be like “OH SHIT” at the twist.

Cause, surprised, the son frames his dad, who is going to be sent to Space Jail for his literal sexual assault. Apparently there’s nothing on the Federation books for this, but there is for the others. But as the son is ready to leave, he can’t help but awkwardly and creepily touch Troi, and compliment her, and is angry that she’s “so nice and sexy”. And then sexually assaults her. Again. Even after getting away with the assault. THEY SHOW THE SEXUAL ASSAULT SCENE. FOR THE THIRD TIME. And then they fight, and Worf comes in and decks him a single god damn time. Good job Worf.

The sexual assaulter is only caught because he CANNOT HELP HIMSELF, AND ASSAULTS THE VICTIM THREE FUCKING TIMES, EVEN AFTER GETTING AWAY WITH IT SO HARD AS TO USE UP A SCAPE GOAT FOR IT. You know how it is. The only way to catch a sexual assaulter is to just wait for them to do it in the open cause they’re that fucking stupid.

Fuck this god damn episode.

Violations - TNG 2.5/10

The Enterprise finds out that some kind of “stellar fragment” is passing by a previously unknown colony. They warn the colony, a biosphere on a dangerous planet, and they were very hesitant to accept any help. But hearing that they have energy matter teleportation, are like “Hmm.. well you can come and we can talk about it, if it means we get to see your cool teleportation”

And thus they’re teleported into a colony who’s entire existence is built to keep terrible 90s fashion surviving far into the future.

They are eugenics fascists. Yes, you heard me right. The show basically outright says it. They’re all “perfectly genetically engineered”. One of them smugly is like “You’d never find a BLIND person in OUR society, harumph harumph” and Geordi blithly goes “I can see you just fine.” Good on you, Geordi. I almost wish they had made all the colonists pasty fucking white people to really sell how horrifying this is.

Troi finds the leader hot and sexy and so defends their weird genetic fascism. They all seem very reticent of it actually, weird, considering eugenics CAUSED THE APOCALYPSE ON EARTH. Troi is like “It’s their way of life! We can’t trample on that!” and Picard is like “IT’S LITERALLY EUGENICS FASCIST WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING THIS?” thank you Picard, holy SHIT. Troi’s romance with the genetic fascist is giving me big Falling In Love with Apollo vibes from that one episode of TOS.

Geordi is also VERY against the idea, and is “corrupting” one of the members of this society with it. She’s like “You’re BLIND?” “Yep. If I was born in your society they would have terminated me before I was born, huh? Who are they to decide if I live or die, if I have worth?” fuckin’ A. But yeah like, Geordi is the most capable man in space. And he finds out the solution to the issue, using tech in his visor. And he even calls out how great it is that tech made for a blind man that wouldn’t exist in their society will save them. This episode isn’t holding shit back.

And eventually Troi realizes how fucking stupid she’s being and is like “Yeah no this can’t fucking work, I am literally a crossbreed”. Geordi and this Genetically Perfect Girl solve the issue no problem, and they’re ready to go back but now that the Non Fascists have come to RUIN AND CORRUPT THEM WITH THEIR SOCIALIST WAYS, she’s like “uh I don’t wanna go back” and stages a problem so she won’t have to go back. Geordi IMMEDIATELY sees through it, and she’s like “Okay fine if that won’t work it’s time for me to apply for asylum”.

Apparently that will destabilize their entire society. One person leaving will leave “genetic gaps”, whatever the shit that means. I dunno if that… is a Thing. I think you don’t know how genetics works. I will be extremely honest, I checked out kinda hard. While Picard gave a speech I was reading a review of some weird anime. It becomes so annoying as they’re trying to suddenly Both Sides this fucking issue, as if you can both sides genetic fascism. And then Picard is like “truly we were just as dangerous to that society as the core fragment”. why, cause you disrupted their eugenics, taught them that wasn’t okay, but then some people REFUSED to get with the times?

Fuck that shit. And fuck this episode. Not as much as the last one but still, fuck this episode.

Conundrum - TNG 8/10

This episode starts with a bunch of random scenes that don’t seem to connect. Troi beats Data in chess, and apparently they had a bet where if she could, he can make her a special hard to make drink. I feel he woulda just made if if you had asked, Troi. Some girl is hurt in the medbay. Riker yells at Ensign Ro. And then the ship comes face to face with some alien ship that scans their ship with some weird beam that wipes everyone’s memory. They dunno who they are, or anyone else is.

Yeah me too, Picard.

They’re confused, but they’re still themselves, so they try and figure themselves out. And at the same time, there’s a Dudebro on the bridge who wasn’t there before. But they don’t know that, and he also claims to have memory loss. Very interesting, good mystery!

It’s interesting how differently the characters interact and act when they’re still themselves, but with no memories. Ro and Riker work together, though still a little bristly, they are more willing to listen to each other. Worf basically declares himself captain. He’s sitting in the captain’s chair, he goes into the captain’s office and makes it his own. I guess he DOES have the fanciest sash.

CHEMISTRY ALERT, CHEMISTRY ALERT

Even Data is effected by this btw. Cause he was making a drink at the time he’s now set up as the bartender. Geordi fixes part of the computer, and they find the crew manifest, which confirms Picard as the captain (Worf promptly apologizes, which is real cool), and that the first in command is Kieran MacDuff. Oh yes, obviously. Of course. They read the computer systems more, and find out they’re from the Federation, and they’re at war with the Lysians. Oh, of course. That makes total sense. Only Troi is bothered by the war idea, and tries to get them to see reason to not IMMEDIATELY go kill the Lysians.

This is a pretty good set up and also a good creation of the set up. Everyone is acting the part really well. Maybe I’m just ready for a good episode after the last few.

LOL okay so, everyone is who they are at their basest selves, right? Well Base Riker is… Horny. Troi macks on him, he’s totally for it. Ro Laren macks on him, he’s totally for it. Riker, my man. I mean if Ro Laren made moves on me… I DO get it. Feels like weird padding tho.

You know who could have fixed this episode immediately? Guinan. She’d have known what’s what and fixed it. Neli made a joke that she locked herself in the broom closet.

This is a fun episode. Every tiny thing that could solve this issue that they land on, and this Dudebro, Kieran, fixes it at every opportunity. They almost talk to one of the enemy, who’d fix this issue immediately, and he eggs them into fighting them (the fact they blow it up SO EASILY will be a thing that bothers Picard for the entire episode). They make a thing that could fix memories, he offers for it to test on him, and it doesn’t work, going back to square one. While everyone is being all moral and shit, he tries to befriend and egg on the most violent person, Worf. But he can’t outsmart everyone. He’s being VERY sussy…. and Worf saw him vent.

The greatly weaker Lysians compared to the Federation makes Picard doubt what’s going on. Keiran can’t help but be very VERY sussy, and tries to start a mutiny. Everyone then shoots him, which is amazing, and it turns out he’s an alien who infiltrated them to try and get the Federation to win his war for them. I guess Picard apologizes for killing a bunch of innocent Lysians, and then all is better, as Ro and Troi mock Riker, and go off for some hot lesbian makeouts while Riker sighs, getting nothing.

What a breath of fucking fresh air after the last few episodes. Fun mystery, even though we basically know the mystery. More of a “how do they figure it out”. I wish they had figured it out more organically instead of Leiran just y’know, venting himself.

Power Play - TNG 6/10

The Enterprise finds a distress call from a moon, a distress call that seems to fit an ANCIENT class of ship, the Daedalus-class. Troi senses something alive down there though, though the planet doesn’t seem to be good to live on. As Riker, Troi, and Data go down, the storm makes their pod crash.

O’Brien does some fancy magic to beam down and help. Mother fucker, if you coulda done that sooner, why the hell didn’t you??? Riker broke his god damn arm. Anyways they try and set up a way to beam them all back up, and are attacked by the storm, which shocks them. Then some fairy orbs invade three of them, but ignores Riker, who gets back up and beams everyone back up.

And then it turns into Backwards Diehard, as Data, O’Brien, and Troi try and take over the ship, taking them into a polar orbit. There are three new personalities in these three. Troi is seemingly the leader, O’Brien is more quiet and subservient, and Data is very… angry. And racist towards Klingons. Which is SO weird. They take hostages in Ten Forward, and are apparently immune to phaser fire, taking out the entire security force.

Jesus Christ, Evil Data points a god damn gun at Molly O’Brien cause she’s crying too loud. Anyways, Troi claims she was captain of the Daedelus, who became a kind of Psychic Ghost and they just want to get their people to escape the planet they were stranded on, as psychic ghosts.

All attempts to save the hostages and stop the invaders fails. They try to use a “Plasma Shock” to get the ghosts out, but they miss Data. Which is the worst of those to miss. It’s SO weird to see Data be evil, and Troi to be tense and intimidating…. and O’Brien is WEIRDLY CREEPY towards Keiko, like, sexually harassing her??????????? So nasty. They have some memories and skils of who they’re taking over, but not all apparently.

Turns out they’re lying. They’re ghosts who were put on this planet as a penal colony so they could never die, or escape. Through some clever ploys, they manage to FINALLY stop them, and send them back. It’s nothing super interesting tbh, not a great fun feeling triumph. I mostly thought this episode was…. okay.

…..This section of TNG episodes was mostly boring or bad lol. What a slump in an otherwise amazing season.

QUICK, BUBBLE CLOWN!

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Ethics - TNG 4.5/10

The episode starts with Worf complaining about losing a poker game, and Geordi admits he was cheating cause he could see through the cards. So this episode is about the ethics of cheating at Poker.

Oh no, actually Worf gets crushed in a shipping container accident and his spine is destroyed, giving him permanent paralysis. Everyone tries to figure out how to fix his paralysis, while Worf is not taking it well. Crusher is like “He’s not handling it well, he’s very… morose. Depressed”. Yeah unlike all the others who become suddenly paralyzed, they’re JOVIAL about it!

And then we find out actually why it’s called Ethics. Worf begs Riker to kill him, and “let him die with dignity”, as he will “waste away as a strain on friends and family”. Whoof.

They got this neurological specialist, this Hillary Clinton-looking mother fucker. She’s weirdly racist against Klingons so I don’t really trust her ability to save Worf lol. She wants to do some experimental possibly dangerous stuff that’s only been in the hypothetical phase.

Anyways parts of this episode are interesting. It’s an episode that is specifically about assisted suicide, euthanasia, that kinda thing. Is it right? Is it ethically correct? The framing device isn’t quite as important as what it’s trying to say. However, it is absolutely possible to look at the framing device, the plot of this episode, and go “the thesis of this episode is that the disabled do not deserve to live and have no life ahead of them and should just be killed.” At least, that’s CLEARLY how the Klingons view it. Crusher called the Klingons and they told her straight up “just let him die, he’s worthless now”.

Also it’s literally about suicide. And as someone who has suffered from suicidal ideation, like, it’s a little heavy and hard to watch.

The other half of the episode is Crusher and Hillary Clinton over there arguing about experimental medicine. Hillary Clinton wishes she was Bashir doing frontier medicine, and wants to test her theories. They get some survivors from a wreckage and she tests a new medicine on a guy, literally killing him, and is massively flippant about it.

Riker is very very unhappy about all of this. Also how this episode does Picard is weird. Picard is fully for the suicide. He tells Riker to do it. It’s weird. He’s ALSO for the experimental medicine. Picard wtf you doin’ today my man? Riker ends up refusing to help with the suicide btw. Very Riker of him.

They do the experimental medical precedure. They do this by literally ripping out his spine, scanning it, and making a new one. We kept doing Spock’s Brain jokes, and we decided that this episode shoulda been called “Worf’s Spine”. That would have owned so hard.

Anyways Worf fucking dies. He’s declared dead. They walk away and tell Alexander his father fucking died, and Alexander goes to see his corpse and cries. Then his tears bring Worf back to life. Like we’re watching fucking Pokemon. They claim it’s cause of Klingon biological redundancy. Yeah, okay.

Honestly didn’t like this one very much. A little too melodramatic in bad ways, a little too uncaring in other ways. Lots of weird both sidesing stuff to that just kinda doesn’t work. There’s SOME good here though. Worf character development. A lot of good Crusher moments actually. Crusher’s always had this issue where her personality is “doctor”, but here where she’s just fucking ENRAGED at Clinton is very good.

The Outcast - TNG 9/10

THIS ONE.

The Enterprise is asked to help an androgynous race of aliens called the J’naii, asked to find a shuttlecraft that disappeared. The J’naii are an entirely agender species. “Androgynous”, the show calls it. Riker apparently can’t really comprehend it while befriending one, and apologizes for misgendering them, and is like “WHAT, SHOULD I CALL YOU IT?” They/them is right there, Riker. It’s existed for over a thousand years by your time.

Okay so this episode is basically the trans episode of Star Trek. It is the closest we could get in 1992, especially with Rick Berman in charge. So a lot of it must be looked at throguh the lense of its time. It’s about gender, they kind of conflate gender with sex a lot, but it’s LITERALLY about gender because there’s someone with no true sex (as their species only has one) who wants to transition to being a female. It’s about an agender species, but liberals at the time avoided they/them because it was “not grammatically correct” and that’s important I guess. So their language has a pronoun that could be nongendered, but it’s not translated apparently.

This enby, Soren, is also coming hard onto Riker. “Tell me about your sexual organs”, and I fully respect Riker’s reaction of just “UMMMMMM….” which like yeah, is what the reaction should be.

Soren asks Crusher what being a woman is like and she’s like “Uhhh I dunno. Huh. But in the past, women were considered weak and to be controlled. Thank god we’re past that now.” And then in the next scene Worf is being sexist and everyone is like “WE LITERALLY JUST MOVED PAST THIS.” Anyways, Soren admits that they find Riker gender, and also there are some among their culture who are born with the idea of gender, but it is considered aborrant and they are “fixed” if found through shock therapy. These individuals know they are different all their life, but because gender is so foreign, they don’t understand it and can’t put a name to it, because they don’t really have a name for it. It is as blatant of a trans allegory as you could get in 1992.

Soren tells a story about a kid in her school who wanted to be a guy. And he was carted away, given “treatments”, then proclaimed how “happy” he was he was cursed. This shit is heavy, and as a queer woman, it is like… VERY VERY blatant, and I think it’s well done.

“This kiss is prefaced by “I’ve always been interested in exobotany” which is fucking hilarious. Unfortunately, they are caught making out by one of her superiors. Soren is taken into custody for the charges of sexing up someone with gender, yuck. Riker tries to get them to get her out of custody by saying it was his fault, but Soren isn’t having any iof it.

Soren gives a speech bout Gender. About who she is, who she’s always been. She doesn’t need to be “cured”. She just needs understanding. And if that’s not the trans experience I dunno what the hell is. It’s a strong speech, the actress sells it well, there’s even some crying. They take her away for conversion therapy, as Riker tries to grant her asylum before her treatment’s due date.

This shit is…. heavy. Like, this episode is ESPECIALLY heavy for someone like me but even if I was cishet as can be, this is heavy. And this isn’t going to end well. Worf and Riker go down to save her, sneaking through the planet (Worf volunteers to help his friend do a SUPER illegal act) Before they can save her, the therapy is done ahead of schedule. They are now “fixed”. The “treatment” was a rousing success, and they realize how sick they were. And they do not love Riker anymore. It’s a downer ending.

One of the readings of this episode could be “conversion therapy works”…. if you have no media literacy. This is not a happy ending. It is extremely shown as a negative thing, and the episode has very strong commentary on this. This is just how some stories happen. This is how a LOT of stories happen, and we can show that.

Also this episode COULD have been even better. Soren was GONNA be played by a male actor, and Riker’s actor was TOTALLY about that. But of course Berman shot that down because homophobia.

Cause and Effect - TNG 8.5/10

In the cold open, the Enterprise fucking explodes, killing everyone. Okay then!!!

Oh just kidding, everything is fine. Everyone is playing Poker, and Riker over bluffs, doo hoo hoo! How fun! Dr. Crusher is called in to help Geordi and gets the STRANGEST sense of deja vu. Hmm. Prolly nothing. And her hearing voices in her bed was prolly nothing either.

Suddenly, there’s a weird effect. They can no longer move away. Some kind of ship comes out of a warp field and collides. Then the cold open repeats, and the ship explodes. The end.

Oh hey we’re back at the poker table! Wow this episode is very interesting.

Each time things are slightly different, more people getting deja vu, different camera angles. Frakes was REALLY flexing with his directing this episode. Despite the massive deja-vu, the events happen the exact same way, with the Enterprise exploding for a third time.

Episode reset.

This episode is so interesting cause it’s LITERALLY about everyone dying. A lot. A LOT of death, complete party wipe. But there’s a lot less tenseness, a lot less fear, because they’re stuck in a time loop. You know they’ll be okay, if they wouldn’t they’d have died already. It’s just…. how WILL they get out of this one?

They figure it out this time. They realize there’s some problems in the Dekyon field, whatever that is. There’s a lot of fun anxiety of “How LONG have we been stuck in this loop????”. For all they know it’s been YEARS. They try something new, using the Dekyon Field to send a message to Data in later loops. They don’t know how Data will interpret it, but they gotta try. But even with this knowledge, they don’t succeed in stopping the explosion…. but Data sends a message into the next loop.

Hey look, more Poker! This time, they still get deja vu. Last time they could call out the exact cards, but this time… the cards are DIFFERENT. All 3s. Then everyone gets triples. Data keeps seeing three, while everyone else figures out the temporal loop again. They need to do a scan on the number 3, but tehy’re too late. They get stuck in the same distortion field. But Data realizes that 3 equals the 3 buttons on Riker’s uniform. So Riker’s suggestion is the correct idea. It works. The other ship turns out to be a ship from 100 years ago, they even have the movie outfits! Tragic that they’re now stuck in the future, but kinda neat.

Good episode. Just fun!

The First Duty - TNG 8/10

The Enterprise is on its way to the Acadamy, and everyone is excited to see Wesley again! A Wesley episode AGAIN! The second Wesley ep this season, oh wow! Anyways Picard gets a call from an admiral who is like “You’re a close friend of the Crusher family. There has been an accident”. Not what you wanna hear in a message.

Wesley was in an accident, but he’s okay. There was a collision during a test flight, and four made it out before the ships exploded. One did not. They go to visit Wes, and he’s a little morose. Understandably. His squad leader, Lacarno, shows up and they need to talk… in private. Uh oh. Something is sus here. Lacarno btw is played by Tom Paris’ actor, and he was basically the template for Tom Paris, but due to Berman Fuckery he’s a different character.

There’s a hearing, all four surviving students grilled about what happened. Everyone is obviously nervous and shaken up, but beforehand, Lacarno is like “as long as we stick together, as a family, we’ll make it out of this”. It seems to have been kinda gross incompetence that got this kid killed, but they are basically throwing the dead kid under the bus to save their skin.

Lacarno is “the leader”, and is throwing his weight around. “Of COURSE, you remember it happening THIS way, right?” “Oh, trust me”. Peer pressure and incompetent leadership. So the main synopsis of this episode is “which is more important: loyalty, or the truth?” Lacarno gives massive Cop vibes. Loyalty to him and his squad is whats important, even if he fucked up. He fucked up. I am so glad that they didn’t use this character as Paris cause I’d immediately be predisposed to fucking hating him.

And then the dead kid’s dad DIGS that dagger in. “I’m sorry he let you down. It wasn’t your fault.” God. And then during the next hearing, the admirals are REALLY grilling Crusher, asking him if he’s SURE there’s nothing else he wants to add, as if they know something is up. Anyways they know something is up. They have previously withheld footage that proves that the kids weren’t flying properly, and were doing something else, so seemingly lying. Anyways they ARE lying.

Picard figures it out. There’s a big crazy maneuver that Locarno wanted to pull off, but it’s banned cause it’s dangerous and kills people. Picard assumes Locarno is behind it, but Crusher refuses to throw his “friends” under the bus, and we get a really good Picard speech. “Truth is the guiding principle on where the Federation is based.”

This is the most manipulative dude in the fucking world. What a garbage truck of a human. But Wesley does the right thing and tells the truth at the inquiry. Locarno is expelled, but takes full responsibility. Wild. Didn’t expect him to go through with that. “He took one for the team, but I let them all down”. No, Wesley. Sad but good episode. I think they should have focused more on WHY they’d tell the truth rather than just “truth telling good” moral. Like, “we fucked up, we killed someone, we should pay for it, we SHOULDN’T get through this scott free, it’s not right”. That and focusing on survivor guilt would have made this really stand out more to me.

The First Duty - TNG 3/10

AWWWW FUCK YEAH! TIME FOR THE TRASHIEST WOMAN IN SPAAAAACE!

The episode starts with them blowing some stuff up. Then Troi helps Worf and Alexander settle some differences (Worf is still a Bad Dad). And then Troi is GRACED with her mother’s presence! Lwaxana is getting MARRIED!!! To someone she’s never met, only through online dating!

Lwaxana and Alexander meet each other and get close! Great aunt Lwaxana is here to listen and try and help. Alexander is not doing well with his dad, he hates him. Lwaxana tries to cheer him up by taking him to some weird festival thing in the holodeck. It’s fucking weird. It feels like a kids direct to TV movie from the 70s. Some kind of weird alice in wonderland shit. Like, look at this horrifying clown mime bubble that greets them as they enter the Wonderland.

Worf ends up murdering (popping) the Bubble Clown.

What the shit is this. I cannot follow this to save my fucking life. I think the idea is Lwaxana is trying to escape thinking about her wedding cause she’s scared? There’s also a B plot where Data and Geordi are trying to find some weird sparkles that are happening around the Enterprise. It’s some kind of weird parasite thats eating power or some shit. I’m kinda checked out.

There’s some shit about like, her new husband. He and his people are VERY strict about rules and the law, and that’s what the episode is about y’know. Cause Alexander is bristling against his dad’s rules, and trying to escape them to the holodeck. And Lwaxana is as well, but it’s simply not ACCEPTABLE. She does it anyway cause thats who she is.

And then the B plot slams back into us. The parasite or whatever is making them lose power and pass out from lack of oxygen as life support fails. Wow! This episode has a MASSIVE tone problem! Data solves the day because he doesn’t need to breath I guess. And even though everyone was passed out for apparently TWO HOURS from oxygen deprivation, they’re…. fine????????? THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS. THEY SHOULD BE VERY DEAD.

Anyways Lwaxana bombs her own wedding by forcing it to be a “traditional betazoid wedding”. She shows up naked. What the fuck is this episode? Not very good, it turns out. I do at least like seeing Lwaxana’s bare ass.

And this image too.

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The Perfect Mate - TNG 7.5/10

This episode is kind of an evolution of that TOS episode where there’s a girl who’s tears can make someone love her. That won’t be for a bit though. We have an ambassador on board and he has some “cargo” stored down below, but wants no one near it. Well some Ferengi get on board from a “rescue” they staged, and fucked around with this weird crystallis and it turns out it’s a Sexy Babe.

Her name is Kamala, and she’s got THE TRILL SPOTS! The Trill at this point still look weird, but this is literally the inspiration for Trill spots, so it works out. Anyways she’s a “Metamorph”, she’s psychic, and is able to be the perfect wife for whoever she imprints on. She’s meant to be a sex slave gift for a prince of another people so there can be peace. And that’s not jsut me saying that, the show outright says it, and Dr. Crusher is VERY vocal about how gross it is, though she’s into it so, what can they do?

This just feels like the Pheromone Kink episode. She’s got sexy pheromones. She imprints on whatever dude she’s near to be the perfect mate for THEM. To Riker she’s aggressive and sexy. To Worf, she growls. To Picard, she talks about history and archaeology. So to keep her under control, they assign Data as her chaperone, which is VERY funny, because out of all the character I just mentioned, the first one to have a sex scene was Data, I think. As if he wouldn’t fuck this alien if she was into it. She’s not though, cause the psychic link isn’t there. Ah well, what could have been.

He chaperones her to the bar, which is filled with a bunch of random aliens who are striaght out of a fucking NYC bar from a shitty 80s movie who heckle and catcall her like what the fuck are these people doing here? There are NO women at the bar, where the fuck is Guinan? Is it Boy’s Night????

She starts REALLY focusing hard on horning on Picard, cause at Crusher’s bequest, he dislikes what she has to do and wants to support her and make her as comfy as possible. Parts of this are actually pretty interesting? You could do some really interesting feminism reads of this, of how women are objectified and used as objects, as is literally the case here, and only wanted so that they will fit what a man wants them to fit, to be used as objects. But I’m not in the mindset right now for that. I’m sure there’s a million think pieces out there.

In the end, she “imprints” on Picard, but goes through with the marriage anyway to this guy who’s a dick, because as she imprinted on him she gained his sense of duty, and isn’t about to ruin a political peace treaty for love. It’s sad, and also prolly adds some interesting bits to that Feminism Reading.

It’s a fine episode. Could have been WAY worse. The concept was kinda repellent, but it handled it as well as it could.

Imaginary Friend - TNG 7/10

Clara, a young girl who’s family just moved to the Enterprise, has an imaginary friend. Y’know, normal stuff. She’s never been able to sit at one place for long, so she has an imaginary friend to compensate. And when the Enterprise enters a new Nebula, a weird little Orb floats around like it’s Navi from OOT’s opening, and then it settles by Clara and becomes Isabella, her Imaginary Friend! Interesting concept so far.

As they’re flying around, something bad is happening, and the ship is losing altitude. And as they’re wandering around, Clara goes to Engineering cause Isabella wants to see it! This Isabella, the Imaginary Friend, keeps appearing and disappearing, and she goes “I have to do something”, disappears, and the altitude drop is fixed. Interesting.

This is getting across “creepy child” VERY well. Even Clara is a bit… nervous, cause Isabella isn’t able to smile like she “usually does”. It’s not quite clear if Clara realizes Isabella is actually real now. But this Isabella seems to be a bad influence, as they keep breaking rules to run around the ship.

GUINAN IS ACTUALLY BACK, FINALLY. THEY LET HER OUT OF THE CLOSET. She has a VERY cute scene with Clara, about grownups, and being a child. The “real” Isabella isn’t there, physically at least. Clara isn’t SUPPOSED to be in Ten Forward, it’s “for grownups”, and when Troi finds out she’s like “you shouldn’t let Isabella make you do things you don’t want to do”, and apparently, Isabella responds by saying “you’d better leave us alone”. Spooky. But to them, it’s just… y’know, a kid being a kid and blaming things on her invisible friend.

And then when Troi suggests that Clara hang out with other kids in a pottery class, Isabella becomes… Demonic. Good. First it’s Poltergeist shit, the invisible Isabella knocks over Troi’s hot chocolate.

This is being said to a six year old.

This was originally gonna be a cutesy puff the magic dragon-esque thing but then they decided to make it fucked up.

NOOOOO, THEY’RE STUCK IN A VIRTUAL BOY! I CAN’T GO BACK! I WAS FREE!!!!

And then Isabella fucking shoots Troi. What an interesting episode. Now that everything is like, out in the open, energy being start attacking the Enterprise. Picard makes a last ditch attempt to talk to Isabella. It works. Turns out Isabella is an Energy Being, and their ship’s shields and other energy sources is very, VERY tasty. But they’re also going to be killed because they’re mistreating children. So now Picard has to explain what parenting is. Picard has really come a long way. Four seasons ago he would have hissed at a kid and gone “WHY IS THIS CHILD IN MY EYESIGHT, HISSSSSS”. Now he’s very good with kids, and cares deeply for kids in a kinda grumpy dad who cares way that’s great. He talks Isabella down and they get out, with Clara promising to come back and visit Isabella. And neither were seen again, like Anime Filler. This episode was fine lol

I, Borg - TNG 10/10

The Enterprise finds a signal that might be an SOS, and beam to a crashed ship on a planet. Turns out there’s a survivor, and the ship was of Borg construction. Ruh roh! Picard is VERY unhappy, and has an immediate reaction of “let’s get the hell out of here”, understandably considering the Locutus situation, but at Crusher’s insistence, they beam the Borg on board to try and save it.

Now that he’s onboard, Picard hatches a plan. Geordi can input a computer virus into him that’ll act as a fucking bomb, and when they return the Borg to its people, it will end up killing and every single one of them. Literal genocide. Crusher is APPALLED by this. Others are like “well we ARE at war” as if war justifies genocide. And Crusher obviously shuts this down. But the fact that they’re willing to do this, and ignore their humanity, cause it’s a Borg.

At Crusher’s bequest, they install a food dispenser in his cell, it gives energy he needs to live. And this gives us a conversation with him. His designation is Third of Five. And he keeps reminding them they’re going to be assimilated and that resistance is futile. Yep, heard that one before. But the conversations Geordi, and Crusher eventually, have with him are VERY interesting. He’s very… reticent, friendly even. Of course, he reminds them they’re going to be assimilated. But he accepts a name, “Hugh”.

After working with Hugh, Geordi begins to have distaste for the idea of genocide. Gee Goerdi, only now? Geordi confides in Guinan, who is DISGUSTED that Geordi wouldn’t wanna do genocide anymore. I’ve never expected her to be so… gung-ho on this. When she meets Hugh, she starts to… doubt, I think. Like, I geddit. I GET that all of her people were fucking killed by the Borg. But jesus Christ, she’s usually very understanding and caring, it just feels so weird.

Picard is obviously not having second doubts yet. But Guinan worms the idea into his head, that maybe Genocide is Bad, and he finally meets Hugh, who recognizes him as Locutus. And Picard pretends to want his help in assimilating everyone. Hugh outright refuses, when he realizes it will hurt Geordi.

Picard gives up. He’s a person. He realizes genocide is bad. At first Picard is a little thrilled cause, maybe once he’s re-assimilated into the collective, maybe the individuality will change them for the better. But Hugh is afraid of going back. But he still decides he WILL go back, because if he doesn’t the Borg will hurt his friends to get to him. Poor Hugh accepts his fate, and seemingly is immediately reintegrated with no problems. But as he’s teleporting away, Hugh casts one last glance.

One of the best. Obviously amazing. And if this is a Geordi episode, which is kinda is, it’s the best Geordi episode. Which considering all the Geordi episodes we’ve seen, is a low bar. But they launched themselves over that fucking bar.

The Next Phase - TNG 9.5/10

The Enterprise goes to help a Romulan ship that’s fucking exploding. Ro and Geordi need to come back to the Enterprise to get a replacement part, and on the way back, a Teleporter Accident happens, and they’re gone.

You would NEVER get me in one of those fucking things. This never woulda happened if O’Brien was doing the teleportation.

It’s nice seeing Romulans and Humans work together to save this breaking ship though.

Anyways Ro wakes up and no one is responding to her. She sees Crusher and Picard talk about how she’s dead, which understandably freaks her out as she screams for help, going through objects and people.

This is Hell.

Ro finds Geordi, and tells him that they’re fucking dead. Geordi doesn’t believe they’re just y’know, ghosts. And they need to make peace with their fate, cause that’s what causes ghosts to move on. Geordi refuses.

This is fun lore.

Anyways, Geordi has a hunch on how they can save themselves. If he’s wrong, they’re dead anyway, if Ro is wrong, well, they might be able to be alive

This episode is weird cause it’s like, about the crew being solemn about their friends dying. And then the other half is fucking hilarious with Ro and Geordi being goofy af ghosts. Listening to people talk about how much they loved them, then also sticking their heads in computer. Anyways they learn they’re “phased”, and also that the Romulans are betraying the Federation and are gonna blow up the Enterprise, what a fucking surprise. And then another Romulan is hearing them, and follows them, showing he’s also phased.

Geordi tries to communicate with Data, as he learns that he can produce chroniton fields by touching things, as Ro is accosted by the Romulan, who attempts a murder. Geordi saves her by shoving the Romulan into space. Holy shit, what a hell. Eventually, he stopped thinking, I guess.

They need to be somewhere where they can be seen, by a lot of people, as what cleans the fields they make can also make them possibly visible. So they make a mess at their wake, which Data is throwing. Data has put together a happy party for their funeral, which is fucking hilarious, and I was like “thats prolly what Geordi wants”, and it in fact is. Anyways, it works out, as Data figures it out and they bring them back, and then they can warn the Enterprise of the Romulan’s betrayal.

This was a great episode. Very fun, and great to see Ro and Geordi interracting. Good Ro and Geordi character moments too, and also great Data moments. Just a VERY good episode.

The Inner Light - TNG 11/10

The Enterprise finds a probe that beams something directly at Picard, knocking him out. When he awakens, he finds himself in a strange house with a woman calling him Kaymin, telling him its his house. He goes outside and tries to get help from someone who seems like a leader, who explains he’s Batai, his friend. He’s on Kataan, and he’s been ill for a week.

He wanders for a bit, and returns home. His wife is… a little weirded out, and maybe a bit hurt that even in his seeming amnesiatic state, he doesn’t ask about her. Back on the Enterprise, they’re not sure what’s going on, but the probe seems to have made a tether to Picard.

Five years have passed. He’s still not able to give up his old life, which makes his wife anxious. He’s also been a little reclusive from the community. But he starts to interact with them, and works with the local government, trying to help these people during a drought. Seeing how Picard handles this is very VERY interesting. We see him get closer to these people. Truly become a part of them. Start a family.

Years pass. Batai, his friend who helped him get used to all this, has passed, and they’re naming their new son after him. He’s fully integrated himself into his new life. Oh whoops he’s dying because they tried to sever the link back on the Enterprise. Whoops, time to fucking stop that!

Now is the most important time.

I don’t really want to like, catalogue my thoughts on this episode. I want to just watch it. I’m gonna do that. I do like how they’re just lathering that fucking makeup all over him though, just like Deforrest Kelley woulda wanted. I also just love…. watching this life. Also his son is played by his actual son which is nice. He’s still a scientist at heart though, and his findings make it clear: the world is dying.

And then the wife dies, and like… y’all. I think this episode is really good.

This is how I feel as someone who understands what climate change is, looking at her nieces and nephews.

They reach the end. The probe is a message to the future, so that their culture, their civilization, is not truly gone. Now they live in him. And so, Picard wakes up. It’s been 25 minutes. To him, it’s been 40 years. He now has to return to his life… but first, they find something in the probe. A flute. His flute, from his life as Kaymin.

Obviously this is one of the best things ever made. I don’t need to harp on about it.

Time’s Arrow - TNG 9/10

This is an AMAZING cold open. A scientist shows them a cavern below San Fransisco that hasn’t seen anyone enter it in 500 years. Inside, they found some artifacts like a gold watch, revolver, and oh yeah, DATA’S SEVERED HEAD.

Everyone is fucking weirded out. Data is not. “DATA HOW CAN YOU STARE AT THIS THING AND JUST TALK ABOUT DETERORATION LIKE THATS OKAY TO DO” “I have no emotion, sir” Yeah we know, Data. It’s pretty obvious.

This is a good mystery, and at the same time, Data is actually HAPPY about this. He always imagined he’d just outlive everyone. But now he knows he’s mortal. He’s closer to mortal than he ever had been. And to add to the mystery… Guinan seems to know something.

“I must ask a personal question. I have noticed a change in how people interract with me. Often times, they seem to be having conversations, and then that conversation ends just as soon as I enter the room.” Oh Data. He’s also confused cause they won’t send him to a place where time travel shenanigans are happening. Data pls.

They need Data anyway, as Troi senses humans in the cave system, and it turns out they’re people out of phase. Data sends himself out of phase using some kind of device, and he sees beings of some kind feasting on energy, and an “Ophidian” locked in a cage, whatever that is. And then Data is sent back to Earth.

Love it.

Data ends up fucking pawning his comm badge for 3 dollars, then sharks it all in Poker and gets fucking rich. Data then uses his money to get a hotel room and gets the bellboy on his side to help him, saying he’s “an inventor”. Data is REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT THIS? Like, everyone thinks he’s weird as shit, but he just explains he’s French, and speaks perfect French, and they’re like “oh okay thats fair” and let him be weird.

I LOVE HIS SWANKY DUDS. Anyways he’s doing… SOMETHING, while also discovering from a newspaper someone…. FAMILIAR. Guinan! Also around the same time, in the future, Guinan demands that Picard go WITH them, so that they can… truly meet.

Oh also, some aliens that Data chased to Earth killed a 49er in a horrible way.

GUINAN IS BASED! TAKE A DRINK!

Guinan is hanging out with Mark Twain in the past, who is an eccentric weirdo. She’s herself. Twain is like “Gee Earth is alone in the universe, otherwise we are nothing!” and the literal alien he’s talking to is like “lol. lmao.” Data barges in and is like “Yeah we’re friends, we’re on a starship together! :D” and Guinan is like “OKAY HEY WOAH LET’S GO TALK OVER HERE”. Too bad, as Data explains everything, Mark Twain eavesdrops… HELL YEAH MARK TWAIN GETS TO BE A MAIN CHARACTER IN THIS STORY.

The others are prepared to follow Data. They are iin a temporal space, and they find out that these aliens are going back in time to harvest humans to feed the rest of the aliens. Well that’s fucked! Sure, they’re harvesting poor people now, but… They have to stop them! They go towards the light, and beam back to the past themselves.

TO BE CONTINUED!

….What a good season.